spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Mike for pointing me at this thread over at MEN. It’s a very brief article about Hugh thingamajig who was trying to get Tesco to be nice to chickens. This is a bit like asking a handbag full of icecream to give a lecture on the role of neurotrophic factors in the growth of motor neurons. Even if it was willing, it’s just not equipped to pull it off.

The comments thread seems to have turned into a competition to see who can say the stupidest thing.

And who is going to pay for the difference in price?
alvinlwh

Indeed. Ever since the Universal Declaration of Human Rights we have all been entitled to lumps of vaguely-chicken-like white stuff for under £1 and we’re not about to give that up.

The housewife has a choice either a chicken for Sunday lunch or mash and sausages. It don’t take rocket science to know which one.
S P In exile, Tameside

So how DO you decide without a rocket scientist on hand??

Well i’m NOT gonna change;with the rising cost of food cheap chicken(and not how it was fed/killed/ slaughtered/prepared etc because I DON’T CARE AS DON’T MANY PEOPLE ON BUDGETS)is the ONLY OPTION FOR ME AND I DON’T CARE EITHER.
Anthony, Accrington,Lancashire

I’m all in favour of people like Anthony. As the oil runs out and meat prices continue to soar, idiots like him are going to be fighting over nuggets of tasteless reformed chicken-scrapings, leaving the last few tasty cow arses for the rest of us to gnaw on.

It’s only a chicken for god’s sake who cares how it lived its life?
Not me for sure
We are higher up the evolutionary ladder so we can kill and eat meat, it just a fact of life
Tezza, Tyldesley

Be careful what you wish for.

Thanks to Thomas for this one from an Evening Standard article about police violence at an anti-Bush protest in London.

The Police are wonderful, fair-minded and decent.
Unsubstantiated retarded comments from anti-establishment proletariat pseudo-Marxists and Anarchists will not sway the minds of decent law-abiding people in this country.
The frustration of the ‘demonstrators’ is only greater because the Police did such an effective job at keeping the low-life at bay. Bring on Police power. Subdue the Anarchists!
Tangomike, Kensington, London

Awww. If I’d known there was an Anti-Establishment Proletariat Pseudo-Marxists and Anarchists rally I’d have gone down. As it was I ended up at a Crypto-Communist Envirofacist Morris Dancing Festival. Heavy police presence as usual. BURN DOWN BABYLON.

Thanks to BigValen for this from the Irish Independent.

Europe planted the seeds of the great Tiger and now we the cubs have grown up and this is our thank you, by voting no? i say YES
Ireland vote YES or it really is another dustin for us
anyway China and India are catching up vote NO and our cubs will be emigrating to Xinjang and Rajasthan and the likes for work.
Musliminireland

YES. Ireland needs to water its tigers and use some sort of fungicide or else the next generation of tigers will be tiny tigers covered in potato blight and then you’d get overrun by Chinese tigers who were much bigger and better qualified and wear smart jackets. Vote NO to.. hang on. What the actual fuck are you on about?

This is a shameless plug. The consistently fantastic Cassetteboy have released another album (”Carry on Breathing”) and one of them’s written a book. I’m plugging them because they’re fucking great and because I can.

If you already know any Cassetteboy, you’ll be eager to get the latest installment. If you don’t, then you better check out the stuff on YouTube then go buy “Parker Tapes” and “Dead Horse” to catch up. Imagine if someone built a sort of Twat-O-Tron but using snippets of audio recorded from daytime television and The Archers. If you ever saw “Don’t Watch That Watch This” on BBC4 and wondered why it wasn’t better, it’s because Cassetteboy didn’t make it.

Also, Mike Bollen (one half of Cassetteboy) has just published a book called “Earth Inc”. You can read some at the publisher’s site and listen to some on MySpace.

Listen to bits, read bits, buy it all:-
http://www.spymania.com/
http://www.myspace.com/bloodycassetteboy
http://www.myspace.com/earthincbook
http://www.picnic-publishing.co.uk/earthinc/ (this site plays music as soon as you browse to it, presumably because they are trying to enrage prospective readers).

Thanks to Matt. This is from a Times Online article about a French court “anulling a muslim marriage” because the bride was not a virgin.

Good for the judge. The general principle is that all men must honour what they solemnly agree to do. If the woman deceived her groom, on a matter involving a risk that he will find himself father of bastard children or acquire disease, then in justice he should have redress.
Roger, Ipswich

Do you think the “redress” didn’t go far enough? Should it have involved blood and tits maybe? Perhaps you could show your contempt for her harlotry by having a disapproving wank.

Thanks to Daisy for this one from Times Online.

B - BUOYANT
A - ADROIT
R - REALISTIC
A - AMIABLE
C - COURAGEOUS
K - KNOWLEDGEABLE

O - OPTIMISTIC
B - BRAINY
A - ALLURING
M - MAGNETIC
A - ABLE

So stop the soap opera of Wright and let America discuss the things that matter to the common folk! Sen Kerry’s rebuke of MSNBC was fab!
Elias, Stevenage, UK

It’s a long time since we’ve had a Piss Poor Acronym Competition For Dullards. I’m awarding Elias 2nd prize (1st prize went to a Katie in Year 3: “Baboon Arse Rapists Are Carefully Kneading Our Baboon’s Auspicious Monkey Anus”).

Thanks to Poppy for this one from the Southern Daily Echo. She liked the way their pointless argument created a set of nested boxes. So did I, so I coloured it in.

Thanks to Tom for finding this one over at Metro. It’s from an article about a dog that got onto the electoral register.

I like the way it slowly builds from a really dull anecdote into a mildly incoherent rant until the sudden mention of a talking dog triggers an explosive finale.

Last week I was watching the so-called Britain’s got Talent, a young girl about 13 went on stage with her female friend, I can’t remenber her name. Anyway, the young girl’s friend, Mrs Dogs, dance a free dance, all the audience were even emotioned, they were so amazed that all the judges voted 3 yes for the DOG, so the next round, it will be dogs competing people.
Lets guess the Dog win the competition, the queen will be entertained by the highly talented thing of 2008 in Britain: A DOG, nobody has got much talent as that DOG.

One day scientists will genetically create a DOG speaking like the one in Man in Black movie. They will be compared to mankind.

IT IS HELL ON EARTH, PEOPLE!!! WAKE UP, OPEN YOUR MIND, WOMEN ARE ALREADY EQUAL TO MEN, NEXT STOP IS ANIMALS EQUAL TO WOMEN, which means to MEN, WHAT A SHAME!!
Elie Ngandu, Newcastle upon Tyne, UK

Feeling better? Purged? Like an empty sock?

Thanks to Rick for finding this one in the Brighton and Hove Argus.

I see it was plugged how many TV viewers watched EastEnders just because Ricky and Bianca returned to the soap (The Argus, April 3).

Ten million doesn’t seem that many when it used to have 15 to 20 million watching.

If viewers were true fans they should be watching EastEnders whether Ricky or Bianca were coming back or not.
C Meeten, Gordon Road

Totally. How must Phil Mitchell feel when he discovers that people are more interested in Ricky than in him? Like a poor sad potato, that’s how. We owe it to the completely imaginary folk of Albert Square to keep absorbing their poorly written lives until our souls have withered, music no longer moves us and watching “Saturday Night Takeaway With Ant and Dec” seems like a sensible way to spend an evening.

Thanks to Karen for finding this one in a Times Online article about a baby born with two faces.

If she does end up being viable then this opens fascinating questions: will she develop as one person or two? Will she speak through both mouth at the same time or will she be able to talk to two different persons at the same time yet having only one individuality?

Indeed the four eyes blink together so the two brains are heavily connected and synchronized, but she might develop an imbalance between the two brains if for example her mother always talks to one face and not the other.

In fact she might have to be considered as an entirely new species since her cognitive abilities may well be completely beyond anything humans can do.

Jon, Nottingham

The best way to prevent her developing a brain imbalance is to glue her to a rotating platform so that everyone has to talk to both faces equally. We should also keep her in a perspex box, guarded by the X-Men, in case she turns out to be able to control metal WITH HER MIND.