spEak You’re bRanes

Thanks to Steve for looking on here.

The UK hardly produces any CO2. It’s all these blacks in Africa chopping down tree to use firewood for cooking.

Jim Bob, Leeds, United Kingdom

no wonder - sending them rice, raw meat and other stuff that needs
cooking in aid. Next time they are all starving (next week), send them
sandwiches or biscuits (stuff that does not need cooking) to save the
trees and stop CO2 pollution.

‘Do-gooders’ sending food to Africa are destroying the planet.

Jim Bob, Leeds, United Kingdom

When will those blacks in Africa realise that their selfish eating is driving up our petrol prices? The only solution is to cook stuff first, then post them to Darkieland (or Darkie-stan, whatever). That way it won’t need cooking.

Never understood the excuses people give for reading lad-mags. Surely it’s far less embarrassing to say you got it for a good hearty wank than admit to reading the articles.

Angie/Angela from B’ham/Birmingham is also not a fan:

why dont women’s mags have naked men in it, doing poses?

we dont degrade men like so called lad mags (porn) do about women.

Me and my husband will teach our son to respect women.

I can’t believe women who encourage this and let partners and husband’s buy it, your letting women down, this is disgusting porn with no respect for women, it treats them like sex objects. Some of these mags show more than they should, not just the top half, no wonder theres rapes and paodophiles. ban it all.

angie, B,ham

You think men’s magazines degrade women Angie, you should try reading women’s magazines. Yech.

I agree Denise Kettle, these men are sad, perverts, In need, lacking in something, paedophiles in the making.

Any men that don’t find these mags offensive must be one of these.

These mags are disgusting and sick, degrading, this sort of stuff encourages violence, rapes and paedophiles, these mags must be banned, it should go to Parliament.

If kids want to know about the human body and sex there should be proper books, not this disgusting stuff, the women in it have no respect for themselves.

angela, Birmingham

We’re clearly dealing with an embittered sexist so clueless about the world and the opposite sex that she assumes anyone who disagrees with her must be somehow sexually dysfunctional.

Coincidentally, this was sent in by J, an embittered sexist so clueless about the world and the opposite sex that he assumes anyone who disagrees with him must be somehow sexually dysfunctional:

top prize goes to this dried up lezzer, Angela from Birmingham

I have no idea Denise Kettle is, or what she said, but clearly she is someone whom Angela holds in high regard, and I can only conclude that she is a mong as well

No Angie, your magazines don’t humiliate men, you have every advert where men are portrayed as simple buffoons to do that for you.

As a man, I can tell you that shit unfunny adverts are worse than any humiliation any woman has ever suffered. Also, with all that hot girl-on-girl action, you wonder how any lezzer could ever dry up.

What Makes a Good Joke? Now I find it ever so slightly cruel, letting these idiots embarrass themselves by mangling good jokes and repeating shitty old ones ad nauseum.

A good unsuspected punchline is funnier than one you can see coming.

Brian Nicholson, Crumpsall

You heard it here first folks!

I haven’t heard any really good jokes lately - Political Correctness has killed them all.

Mike W, Gravesend, Kent

I’ve met political correctness and she’s appalled at all killing - even jokes. You probably just have boring, unfunny HYS-turds as friends.

Loved this one:

The British population were asked if Polish Immigrants were a problem. 23% said “yes its a serious problem” and the other 77% said “czesk bardzo mi milu gdzie dject toaldta”

Jack Taft, Birmingham, United Kingdom

More from our own boring, unfunny friend Jack Taft, courtesy of everyone. But here’s a tricky one, which is the more completely made-up batty-grease, the statistics or the Polish?

In Golders Green Abe pops round to Mosha to find him scraping wallpaper off the walls.

Abe - “decorating?”

Mosha - “no - moving”

Totally Disgruntled, Wokingham

Clever of T.D. to hide the butt of his joke from the politically correct moderators by only mentioning Golder’s Green, Abe, Moshe and immense stinginess.

How can you tell that a plane that’s just landed at Heathrow airport is full of HYS contributors? Because when the engine’s turned off the plane is still whining.

King Rusk, London, UK

See, I like this one. I like the idea that everyone who recommended it thought “Haha, yes, people do whine a lot on HYS” and then went straight onto another thread to gripe about immigrants using their wheelie-bin.

Thanks to Loz. “What is your favourite joke?”

I cannot tell you, since it is Politically-incorrect, so what’s the point in asking the question? Since my perception as to “What makes a Good Joke?” died, along with Bernard Manning, and ‘Other Politically Incorrect’ Comedians and their comedy material, so why bother asking the question in the first place?
David Mulvey, DERBYS, United Kingdom

Beats me. They might as well have asked you to describe Africa without using the phrase “dirty, uncivilised, jungle bunnies”. It’s political correctness gone mad.

What do you think about Radovan Karadzic? If you don’t know who he is, just give your general thoughts on Muslims, that’ll do.

This arrest is unfair. War is a nasty business and people get killed - including civilians. Was Winston Churchill a war criminal because of the bombing of Dresden? If you knew Balkan history you would see the war against the Bosnian Muslims was justified. The Serbs are an ancient and proud people. For centuries they lived under the appalling persecution of the Turks. Why should they have lived under Muslim rule in Bosnia again? Bosnia and Kosova will be the new beachheads of Islam in SE Europe.

[SaxonHero], Lancashire, England (not UK)

PC gone mad I tell you! Next the loony left will be claiming Hiroshima and Nakasaki were a bit excessive.

This man is only a criminal if you are a muslim or an appeaser.

To true Serbians, he was a hero.

I suggest people do some proper research into what actually happened, and why Radovan Karadzic did what he did.

Don’t trust the EU censored version of events.

Toby Johnson, Hastings, United Kingdom

“Dreadfully sorry Abdul, nobody likes being ethnically cleansed, but if we stopped just on your account, that would be appeasement, and you know where that got us with Hitler.”

ohh so this hits world news now, what about the muslim and croat war criminals why dont use put them up world wide??? put the words “HERO AND PATRIOT” next to his name!

Serb Patriot, Melbourne

You know Serb Patriot, I’d always expected you to have completely the opposite idea.

The Serbs acted with great restraint given 50 or more years of occupation of their homeland by outsiders who have now ” declared independence” from Serbia.

don caskey, New Zealand

Next time I hear someone talking about Israeli ‘restraint’ while blowing stuff up, I’ll point them in your direction. Unless they’re carrying ‘restraints’, in which case they’re probably heading your way anyway.

I could download music and and the ISP would not know as I wouldn’t be on a file sharing site, I am not going to say how it can be done but it can and you will never pick up a virus or trojan or anything dangerous by doing it. I bet this doesn’t get posted
Dean Stockton, york, United Kingdom

Thanks to Jez for this one from a thread about the “special” relationship.

The UK will need the US again when multicultural Europe fragments, becoming balkanized in the same way that Yugoslavia fragmented, and for similar reasons. We are facing a clash of ideologies in Europe (multiculturalism v the ideology of Islam), which many people believe will end in civil war, just as it did in British India and many other such places when people tried to mix the belief systems in a multicultural utopia. When will people learn the lessons of history?
English Citizen

It might be more pertinent for you to ask “Why don’t I know anything about history?”. And the answer is that your knowledge of the world is gained by staring, open-mouthed, at a 3-word headline (preferably alliterating) followed shortly by a calming picture of some tits.

Thanks to Ruaidhri.

I’m a Londoner first and English second. Being English I believe it is most impolite to speak to strangers and as a Londoner, even if I did most people in London don’t speak English. I am polite but curt if someone tries to talk to me, and if a foreigner ask directions I pretend I am not a Londoner. Thankfully this means that I can take my journey to work in peace and not be bothered with meaningless conversation.
Katie True, London

If you REALLY want people to fuck off and leave you alone, letting them get to you know you a bit might be more effective than ignoring them.

Anyone else here a fan of the brilliant Ben Goldacre? I bet this unfortunate brain-damaged woman wishes she was now. But not to fear, some people who started out brain damaged are here to challenge the notion of evidence as we know it.

Yes I detoxed about 5 yrs ago. The side effects were not good. Dizziness, headaches, blurred vision, feeling faint and weak. I had three 4 day sessions every 10 days. I lost a dress size and felt wonderful afterwards. But it is short lived and not worth the expense. Better off re-assessing your lifestyle!!

Kim, Lichfield, Staffordshire

So it’s terrible but great but terrible. Got it.

The detox industry is entirely unregulated. A lot of detoxes don’t work at all. But some certainly do. Like thousands of others I went (abroad) to a spa offering a detox regime of a week of fasting, daily colemas and at the end of the fasting a diet high on fruits and raw vegetables. It did all and more than I hoped - not only did it make me feel better than I had for years, it also broke my previously bad food addictions - tea, coffee, cola. I’ve gone back now 7 times in 5 years. If it hadn’t been very good for me I certainly wouldn’t have gone back again and again.
Bob, London UK

So you have to go abroad in order not to eat junk food? God, the planet really is fucked, isn’t it.

And yes, I looked up colema, and yes, it is just a fancy word for an enema. I don’t know about you but to my mind “a condition requiring your barking spider to be violated by a rubber hose for a week” is pretty much the exact opposite of “good health.” Doing it voluntarily for fun, now that’s fine.

I have recently returned from Thailand having done a 9 day detox diet. It was properly overseen. There was no suggestion of drinking VAST amounts of fluid. There were lots of fruit and vegetable dishes and protein drinks. Yes, it was a little rough for the first few days with headaches etc. But I felt indescribably fantastic and so much better. I lost just over half a stone - which I have kept off. My skin improved and has only now started worsening with the introduction of small amounts of sugar in my diet! At the end of the day, FAD diets don’t work. They are, in my view, dangerous and don’t teach the person to eat a proper, reasonable, balanced diet.

Sally Jenkins, Bedale, North Yorkshire

Yeah, they come off them and start eating sugar and their skin goes all wonky again. And again with flying halfway around the world to eat fruit. Or are you just too embarassed to admit you like a bit of rubber hose backdoor action in the UK?

I started a Lipotrim diet in 1997. It consisted of 3 sachets of ‘food’ mixed with water per day and plenty of water. The weight loss was amazing. The diet was given to me by private prescription and I was weighed and monitored each week. Within a few days I became constipated and was advised to drink more water. At the end of three weeks I was drinking apporx 3L of water per day. I then had an epilectic fit. The following month (by now I was on 5L of water per day and still constipated) I had a series of about 8 fits over 24 hours and was taken into hospital. I lost my memory, was unable to drive for 18 months, had difficulty in making decisions, panic attacks an inability to do everyday things like shopping, washing and looking after my two young children.

Pauline Major, Looe, UK

This is a very sad story, but did it not occur to you to maybe give the diet a break after it broke your fucking brain? Gosh, this “hitting my hand with a mallet” diet seems to be causing a large amount of tears to flow from my eyes. Shall I stop, or shall I start hitting my hand 66% faster? I mean, I need the hand and all, but this blood just goes so well with this outfit!

If someone told you to try “The Amazing Hydration Diet” what would you think? What about if your friend Jeffrey Adamson told you he was changing his name to “The Amazing Jeffrey Adamson”. Yeah. Me too.

Thanks to Jamie for pointing me at the comments for this article.

I have been on a detox diet and it was excellent. I’ve also drunk over 5 litres of water a day for a sustained period. But you are supposed to balance your water and salt intake as both are vital to health. Detox diets are powerful and need to be undertaken with care. But I don’t believe there is anything wrong with the idea that you should flush excess toxins from your system.
Robert, London

How could there be anything wrong with flushing toxins eh? They’re TOXINS. WAKE UP PEOPLE.

Having said this, the detox diet is very time consuming. You’re (literally) pissing away hours and days of your life that could be spent doing something useful like building a pyramid for travelling in time or a talisman for warding off Janet Street-Porter. Want to carry on flushing those toxins without all that time-consuming dieting and drinking? Sign up to my “Amazing 30,000 PSI Colonic Rocketwash” and flush out ALL your toxins (and probably a few other things) in just 1 minute! You might as well. It’s £9,995 a pop but if you don’t spend it with me, you’ll only end up giving it to some twat pretending to be a fucking wizard or something.