spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Robert for finding [MrWonderfulReality] telling us how he’d like to keep children safe on the internet.

I’d just use plain & simple common sense, but unfortunately, although it is commonly available to all, many would not recognise it unless it was packaged up & sold in £1 shops or Primark or came with tomatoe ketchup on top.
[MrWonderfulReality]

Robert says: “I believe MrWonderfulReality has confused ‘common sense’ with a pair of socks and a burger”.

Something about wearing pyjamas to the shops.

I fully support Tesco’s action. It is high time that all people learned to have and show respect for others and this is just one way to do it. This attitude should prevail in schools, workplaces, actually everywhere and maybe we would then see less ASBOs and cruelty.
Dani Bertschy, Poole, United Kingdom

Yeah, that ought to do it. The crime rate would plummet if everyone took the time to put on a pair of chinos and a smart jacket. I mean, when’s the last time someone well-dressed turned out to be a lying, corrupt, selfish, racist, warmongering, mass-murdering, money-grubbing, right honourable, power-crazed fuck?

I used to live in the Dunfermline area and had cause to speak to the management of Asda.
It was a warm summers day and a man came into the store to buy items for a barbeque, he was only wearing a pair of shorts, no shoes, no top. He was a very hairy and heavy chap and was leaning over open produce counters, I found this to be completely inappropriate. I am not a prude in any sense of the word but his state of undress was suitable for the back garden or the beach NOT A FOOD HALL
Anne-Marie, Stirling

I looked up “prude” in a few online dictionaries for you and found definitions as diverse as:

• a person excessively concerned about propriety and decorum
• a person who is easily shocked by rude things, especially those of a sexual type
• someone who is overly concerned with modest or proper conduct, speech, dress, or the like

… are you absolutely, completely, 100% positive you didn’t mean “prune”?

You’re the captain of a Royal Navy tanker. You see a British couple being kidnapped by Somali pirates. You crew isn’t trained for such a situation, and wouldn’t be able to attack anyway without putting the couple in danger. What do you do? According to the comments on this MSN thread, you KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!

And, with the same cavalier disregard for relevance as you’d have for the safety of the innocent, you might also sieze the opportunity to do yet another stream-of-consciousness belch about Everything That Is Wrong With This Country, right in the internet’s face. Thanks to Pete.

Like the rest of this country under Gordon Brown the Royal Navy is hide bound by stupid health and safety regulations. Bring back Vian and the cry ‘The Navy’s here’ when they boarded the Altmark in Norwegian waters to rescue the British prisoners held aboard her.
Phil Adwick

Fucking Gordon Brown, can’t stop messing around with the Royal Navy, constantly wandering into their headquarters at three in the morning, naked but for a pair of socks and a floral hat, waving around pieces of paper with yet more stupid health and safety regulations on them, stupid health and safety regulations such as:

• Don’t fire on civilians!
• Try not to endanger the lives of civilians!
• Don’t kill civilians! Especially when trying to rescue them!

Something must be done to halt these blatant acts of piracy. As an ex military man my response would be to destroy every craft on the Somali shoreline and every craft on the South Yemen shoreline if they support these criminals. If that proves insufficient then level Somalia to glass, leave nothing. They think life is cheap….then let us make theirs so.
Lurcher

That dishonourable discharge still rankles, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately the lawyers run the asylum, where people in authority know it is better to play safe than act. Nobody will sack the captain (teacher, policeman, doctor, electrician) for doing nothing. It’s doing something which leaves you vulnerable to the blood sucking lawyers and the judges. Judges who claim their judgements seem ridiculous but ‘their hands are tied’. Kids sue teachers, yobs sue anyone who intervenes, burglars sue the home owner. Captains of Navy ships would rather see an old couple be dragged off by ruthless pirates than risk making a mistake. And I’d have done the same. Britain is in a hell of a mess, getting worse each generation.
wshrtbe

I think washitterbee must keep this comment on a text file somewhere, and just copies it into any thread he/she/it blunders into, with some token reference to the actual topic clumsily stapled to its balls.

But there’s an interesting twist. Check out the admisson that: “I’d have done the same”. I think this basically translates as: “this country is a massive shitbasket of cowardice and opportunism, and I’m as much to blame as anybody. When is someone else going to come and make it better again?”

Well, we were waiting for you to sort it, wooshtibrubber. But you let us down and now we want blood. You might’ve heard a knock at the door just now – that’s the Royal Navy come to blow your face off with a massive battleship on wheels. Apparently you’re exempt under the stupid health and safety regulations.

Thanks to Glenn who points out that this one “works really well if you read it in the style of Saruman just before he duffs Gandalf up”.

Eire – how sad! It’s hopeless – having sold its sovereignty for a few pieces of silver.

And the UK? How is it a former great nation is allowing itself to be subsumed and has lost the will to stand alone and yet take a lead and be distinctive? Of course, a kingdom divided against itself (by “Devolution”) is ruined! And its laws, Mr Megrahi, are in tatters.

In the “plurality” of Europe there is no “common sense” – no sense held in common! It will take a millennium to come to an accommodation.
[incandescere], Barnsley, United Kingdom

I proudly present “Gainsbourg”, our newest SYB author. Hopefully he’ll inject a bit of life into this place and stop me wanting to stab myself in the eye. Either that or he’ll get bored and fuck off, leaving Alex and me alone once again, trudging our bleary way through this blizzard of terrifying wank.
- Nelson

Thanks to Sheldon The Mighty for bringing to our attention this twathammer, who breathed the following, almost unbearably poignant sigh of soft, furry humanity after reading about the death of a 19-year-old man at a freshers’ event.

Is there anyone left in this country who knuckles down to hard work,graft and toil rather than this Sodom and Gomorrah attitude towards everything?

Nobody wishes to be a killjoy but surely social events and celebrations should be at the end of an academic year not at the beginning?

Who is it who runs these establishments? Don’t they have tutorials and curriculae and deadlines anymore? What has happened to competition?No wonder we are the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry are queueing up to get into the country.How can a a student possibly have the spare cash for a drunken orgy? It’s all this lending which creates a louche atmosphere. I even overheard a student recently saying he was going to swap courses because the gown and hood on the other course was better.

In my day you never discussed whether you would get a degree and nobody ever talked about a graduation ceremony. You were just grateful to be there and worried sick about staying the course.
james allen, manchester england

Aye, your day, when a university student had neither the time nor resources to indulge in anything beyond dehumanising toil and sleep. When, robed in sackcloths, he lived his life in terrified silence, never looking his fellow students in the eye, never dwelling for a moment on his privilege, lest it all slip through his desperate, clutching fingers, like a rope made of farts. Upon graduation, he would emerge, blinking, from his first few gloomy years of adulthood, a dead-eyed, unfeeling automaton.

University of Glasgow, class of 1752, yeah?

I know I should leave Biased BBC alone, but to be honest, if you’re going to use painfully obvious song-title puns to complain about the ethnics on your telly, you’re pretty much asking for it.

If it “makes no difference if you’re black or white” why has the BBC wheeled one black artiste on after another to tell us how important MJ was?

As you no doubt guessed, we at SYB are in league with the BBC, and out of curiosity we forwarded your complaint to the Head of Leftist Activism. We received this statement by return of post:

Dear Speak Your Brains [sic],

Jackson does not dictate policy and, here at the BBC, impartiality guidelines are quite clear about just such controversial assertions. ‘Stand by Me’ must be put on alongside ‘Don’t Stand so Close to Me’, and ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for’ may not be played unless equal airtime is given to the skiffle standard ‘Blow Me Down, It Was in My Pocket All Along’. As such, the BBC gave, as required, equal consideration to the prospect that it does matter if you’re black or white.

Controller of Political Bias, Broadcasting House, Londonistan

Thanks to Phil and Rich for these.

Your Royal Highness Queen Elizibeth. As a loyal servent, I see your Parlimentarians have disgraced themselves and i would recomend they are all removed forthwith and new directions made to their succesors, clensing the filth that has gone unchecked for many years. I regret to inform you all,that its now time the monarchy impose their will on its subjects, in the best interests of the country/subjects towards the men who impose on you and made accountable for their self protected thieving actions
Spitfire Pilot, Low Over, United Kingdom

TO HRM Queen Elizabeth II

Please I beg you as a loyal subject of this once great nation please intervene on the behalf of your loyal citizens and end this era of greed and corruption. We need to be able to draw a line under this whole episode and move forward with confidence. The only way to achieve this is for you to dissolve parliament and order a full audit of the countries finances.
Its time for you to prove your un-doubted worth to the nation, be bold be strong be true to your people help us in our hour of need. If you act we will support you.

Love and Loyalty

WEP
WhiteEnglishProud

Thanks to Tegid for this one from the Rugby Observer. It’s a work of tweedy genius.

TOO LONG BETWEEN COLLECTIONS

While I welcomed the council finally collecting my recycling bin this week, the question remains why it took the council nearly a month between the end of red box collections and the start of the blue bin collections.

The result was a massibe overflow of recyclables at my house – mainly bottles. I am an alcoholic, for my sins, so get through dozens of bottles every week. I do my best to be ‘green’ and religously recycle all I can. When my red box was full I regularly drove to Tesco to recycle the bottles. Unfortunately, on returning from one recyclng trip I was pulled over by the police and breathalysed.

Due to my illness I tested positive and subsequently lost my licence. So now I have no option but to rely on the council to collect my bottles.

By the time my blue bin was emptied I had enough empty bottles to refill it straight away.

Goodness knows how many more bottles I shall accumulate by the time the bin gets emptied again in a fortnight’s time.

So come on the council, help us save the planet.

Kenneth Bubb
Address Supplied

It works best if you imagine it in the voice of Toad of Toad Hall.

Thanks to Michael for this.

RADIO 4 – PM
“The interview with the BNP member was biased. The interviewer asked if the BNP has any Asians in its party. This was a question designed to put the party in a bad light as the interviewer would have known that there are no Asian members.”

Cut this out and pop it up in the post-office:

BREAKFAST TV
“It annoys me that the Susanna Reid looks to the right all the time. I believe she has a monitor there and that she is looking at herself in it.”

Nah, they keep a huge pyramid of profiteroles there. It’s the only way they can get her to perform.

WEATHER
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “The BBC lives in a private world of its own. We do not want to hear this European propaganda.”

Still not dead, eh?