spEak You’re bRanes

Give thanks again for more from the complaints log.

RADIO 4 - GENERAL
“There are far too many programmes about women and gay people. Why don’t you broadcast an hour of entertainment for men?”

They could broadcast the sound of indignant spluttering.

RADIO 4 - WOMAN’S HOUR
“I cannot hear what Jenni Murray is saying. She has an unclear, soft voice. I would appreciate if she could speak a bit louder.”

Don’t worry, everything she says is shit.

RADIO 5LIVE - GENERAL
“The newsreader said ‘Gary Glitter was due to come back to ‘England’. I found this annoying because, as far as I am aware, England has the same passport controls as the rest of the UK.”

I can only imagine your rage when you were forced to learn that he flew into Heathrow.

RADIO ESSEX - NEWS
Re. Report on Holidays: “The reporter said the caravans [at a particular camping site] are wonderful and not the type of thing that you get stuck behind on the A8. I was offended by this as I enjoy towing my Caravan to different locations.”

It’s all about the towing.

NEWS AT TEN
“During this report a representative from the organisation Human Rights Watch was interviewed. As far as I know they are a discredited organisation and therefore an inappropriate group to have speaking on the programme.”

By “discredited”, did you mean “not quite racist enough for The Telegraph”?

GENERAL TV
Re. CHILDREN IN NEED: “I was concerned by newspaper reports that 7/7 bombers received money from the programme: I think this is ridiculous, and I won’t be donating again in future.”

90% of the money raised is spent on Xbox 360s for bumpy-faced, swarthy paedophiles on benefits. Trufax.

MAN WHO CYCLED THE WORLD
“I find this programme to be very poor, it is pointless and I would prefer to see some sort of variety show.”

Because, sometimes, only Shane Ritchie singing songs from “Oklahoma” will do.

TRAWLERMEN
“I object to yet another series from the BBC glamorising the profession of those people who choose to catch and kill innocent fish as a living. I see it as a barbaric act and I don’t think they are brave at all.”

Get a fucking grip you transparent, half-dead twat.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
“The BBC is only interested in people with ancestors from abroad and exotic locations. Is this the BBC’s black propaganda to make us think that we come from somewhere else.”

Them black people may have evolved from monkeys in Africa but us TRUE BRITS evolved from badgers, hedgehogs and good, honest, plucky sparrows.

More complaints. Thanks!

RADIO 4 BULLETINS
“I feel that there is a great deal of censorship on the Radio 4 news bulletins. One particular example is the reports of the children who were stabbed in Surrey allegedly by their mother. An important detail that was left out was that the parents are Sri Lankan immigrants I believe. It is my opinion that the BBC is no longer impartial for this specific reason.”

Sri Lankan eh? All makes sense now.

BBC NEWS AT 10
“I was disgusted to see that the report on the British soldiers injured on active service in Afghanistan was carried out by a female journalist. The Army is primarily a place for men so why does the BBC not use a male correspondent to report on this, perhaps even an ex-serviceman? You are obsessed with thrusting women into the limelight.”

Sorry, I see the word “thrusting” and the word “women” in such close proximity and the weight of millions of years of evolution hits me. You could be bleating on about curtains for all I care. Right now, I’m way down in the bits of brainstem we share with gerbils and geckos.

BREAKFAST (TV)
Annoyed that Susanna Reid wears red nail varnish on the programme. “When I receive my news I do not want a woman flashing her nails at me. I find this very off-putting and it is very unprofessional.”

Another stiffy in front of the kids? Must be starting to get embarrassing.

“The report about the RSPCA’s campaign to stop children in schools being able to have pets was backed by both your presenters. Everyone knows that the RSPCA is aligned to the Labour Party, and its ideas seem to be wholly supported by the BBC without question.”

I’ve heard that it was the RSPCA who brought down Building 7. They used Very Bad Dogs.

POINTS OF VIEW
“I am appalled and disgusted with the standard of dress in the BBC. Jeremy Vine is not even wearing a tie. I would never dream of going to work without a tie on. I find this quite offensive.”

They’ll never take you seriously if you just phone up and splutter angrily. You’re going to have to shit in an envelope and post it them.

SONGS OF PRAISE
“I was furious that I had to wait three minutes before there was any hymn singing.”

It’s just not the same when you accidentally blow your beans before they get to the big “Amen” is it?

WEATHER - GENERAL
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “I do not understand why everyone has gone Metric. This is not a metric country.”

Don’t worry Colonel. It’s all just a silly misunderstanding where everyone else started using new units and you stopped being useful for anything.

We have been blessed with more complaints.

BBC NEWS AT SIX
“I would like the programme to investigate why airports charge £1 for luggage trolleys.”

I’ll make sure they do that, yes. It’ll be on in between the news about the country being fucked and the news about the whole planet being fucked.

GENERAL RADIO
“I feel that Radio 4 does not cater for everyone.”

Apart from that wonderful 45 minutes, once a week, where the entire nation forgets its differences and joins together in front of the radio, screaming “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! NOT THE MORAL MAZE AGAIN! “.

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
“The news being presented is rubbish. It is the same thing every day.”

If you learn to play the piano and then win the heart of Andie MacDowell, perhaps you can break the cycle.

ROYAL ASCOT
Felt that there was too much coverage of this year’s fashion. “I don’t think the fashion should be covered at all as this will mislead the general public into thinking that the credit crunch isn’t as bad as it is.”

They really should concentrate on the important stuff. Like the bit where you get to see your favourite horse.

PRESENTATION AND TRAILS
“I felt that the trail before BBC NEWS AT TEN was very irresponsible because it showed someone having their drink spiked. People may see this and want to do it.”

I certainly did but I sat at the bar, alone, for four whole hours and nobody put so much as a diazepam in there.

RADIO 2 - JULIAN WORRICKER
“I am very annoyed that the weather presenter reads out temperatures in Centigrade rather than Fahrenheit. Centigrade is not an imperial measure and therefore should not be used.”

Still with us eh?

RADIO 4 - TODAY PROGRAMME
“Today the ‘pips’ were used at an irregular time. I think that the programme should not use the news pips at any other time except the start of the hour. I left early because of this.”

You could always have an extra kip at the office? Get someone to pop a cover over your cage.

BBC1 NEWS AT 1300
“I felt the female presenter’s appearance today was inappropriate for a BBC news programme, particularly her eyebrows.”

Shaved into the shape of a dog bumming a swan, I expect.

BLUE PETER
“I objected to the feature on belly dancers. It was almost nudity.”

Got a lob on in front of the kids again eh?

RADIO 4 - WORLD AT ONE
“I found it somewhat hilarious and then worrying that Martha Kearney nearly introduced us to the ‘Lesbian Treaty’. She almost said it, and I would expect more from a highly paid BBC newscaster.”

More complaints log. Thanks.

RADIO 4 - EXCESS BAGGAGE (TRAVEL PROGRAMME)
“Sandi Toksvig seems to be taking so many trips abroad and I hope that the BBC is not using licence fee money to pay for them.”

It’s ok, they post her.

RADIO 4 - NOW SHOW
“The guests on the programme described Gordon Brown as a ‘fat grunting Scotsman’. I believe the use of the term ‘Scotsman’ was pejorative and amounted to a racist comment. There was no need to mention that he was Scottish in a derogatory sense.”

I think the phrase they were searching for is “Englishly challenged”.

RADIO 5 LIVE - STEPHEN NOLAN
“There are too many discussions on homosexual issues. I’m sick of it.”

What do you expect on a channel with predominantly male listeners, about muscular, sweaty men and balls? Try Radio1, it’s not about anything and is aimed at people who haven’t got a fucking clue what they want.

GLASTONBURY 2008
“The quality of the camera work and singing is no better than a karaoke pub night.”

That must have been very frustrating for you. I bet you nearly turned over several times.

NEIGHBOURS
Annoyed that the BBC has lost the rights to broadcast the programme. “I can’t believe that the programme has moved.”

This was in the log for June 28th 2008. I was surprised to learn that “Neighbours” isn’t actually on the BBC any more. The last one was broadcast on the BBC on February 8th 2008 (I looked it up). Actually “surprised” is a little strong. I mean I was utterly uninterested to learn that Neighbours wasn’t on the BBC any more. But then I haven’t been tuning in and wondering what’s happened to it for three and a half months.

WIMBLEDON 2008
“Could someone please tell Sue Barker to take her hair out of her eyes, her hairstyle makes her look common.”

Sickening.

RADIO 4 - P.M.
“A journalist described Ana Ivanovic as being ‘lovely’. I think this was inappropriate. It’s sexist and unacceptable from the BBC.”

I just googled her and I have to say that she DOES have a fine ass. She’s probably awful though so I’m upholding your complaint. Heads will roll over this one or else the Queen will refund your licence fee.

RADIO 4 - TODAY PROGRAMME
Re. Bill Gates: “I am disgusted that the BBC doesn’t seem to think one of the responsibilities Bill Gates has is to combat child pornography on the internet. He produced the software and isn’t interested in tackling the problem. This should have been pointed out.”

You can’t hold him responsible for the way people use his software. Just because he personally designed and implemented “Microsoft Kiddieporn Studio 2008 (Express Edition)”, doesn’t mean he endorses the kiddieporn people create with it.

BBC NEWS AT ONE
“It was stated that the Queen costs everyone in Britain 60 pence. I dispute this as the Queen has her own assets and she actually gives money to the country.”

She bought me a cheese and onion pastie worth at least 80p so I’m 20p up this year already.

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
Re. Planned wind mills: “The report was biased in favour of the proposed increase of the number of wind mills in the UK. The report failed to mention the amount of fossil fuels that will be needed to build these wind mills or the size of carbon footprint this would create. Overall it was very one-sided.”

Don’t worry, we can “offset” the footprint by buying a fucking tree or something.

NORTH WEST TONIGHT
“I wish Tony Livesey would shave and smarten up. I don’t see why my licence fee should be used to promote his scruffy image. It makes me switch to ITV.”

Let’s hope you don’t see something completely bollocks on ITV too. You might end up having to turn the thing off! Think how shit that would be, staring at a blank screen for hours every day.

WEATHER
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “I feel that the BBC should not use this foreign temperature scale. I have been listening to the BBC since the war and you cannot change the British temperature scale that has been used for close to 300 years.”

It’s good that, as democracy, freedom and hard-won social justices are eroded, our public infrastructre neglected, our planet raped and our taxes siphoned into the pockets of corporate shareholders, there are tweedy, piss-soaked anachronisms like you bleating on about important shit like “foreign temperature scales”. In the years to come, the oppressed people of GREAT BRITAIN will meet in secret, away from the prying eyes of the state, and remember you as “another one of those small-minded shitwanglers who let this happen”.

More complaints.

RADIO 4 - GENERAL
“I am unhappy that the National Anthem has yet to be played on the station in honour of the Duke of Edinburgh’s birthday.”

RADIO 4 - WOMEN’S HOUR
“I thought the discussion on prostitution during Euro 2008 was one-sided and did not analyse the view that forced prostitution may not be taking place. There is still a vigorous debate around whether sex slavery exists. Investigations done into this matter have shown that the vast majority of women enter prostitution willingly. In my opinion, the notion that women are trafficked against their will is a myth.”

RADIO - GENERAL
Re. Weather presenters: “The tone of their voices goes up and down, something that I find quite irritating.”

NEWS CHANNEL
“The lady who was discussing Wednesday’s Commons vote on the 42 day terror detention, is a fabulous looking woman. I bet women all over the country envy her.”

NEWS AT TEN
“The report by Nick Robinson regarding the 42 day detention vote is very biased towards the EU. I wish the BBC would stop being so biased in favour of the EU and start looking at supporting the issues that will benefit the British public.”

BLUE PETER
“I wrote a short letter with photos attached to the team in 2003 about making stuff on the programme and they subsequently contacted me to explain that they were going to use my letter in the 2003 annual, which was also called ‘Book 32′. I have recently obtained a copy of the annual and have noticed that with my letter they have used someone else’s photos.”

GENERAL TV
“The BBC should do a programme that raises money for animal charities and call it ‘Animal Relief’.”

LOOK NORTH - REGIONAL TV
“There was an item about a refugee who is coming to the country and cannot get a job. I felt it was wrong to give him time on television to help his job search.”

TRAFFIC COPS
“I was featured on the programme, after being stopped for drink driving. At no time did I give my permission to the police or the BBC to broadcast this footage, especially as my face was not blanked out.”

I hope you had a word with the coppers who stopped you as well. It’s political correctness gone mad.

More newssniffer, this time: does marriage benefit society?

I didn’t want my boys running around with children of divorced or single parents, and they didn’t by their own choice. They have done much better financally and socially than their counterparts from unmarried households.

Therese Donnelly, Bellefontaine, United States

What about GAYS? They’re allowed children these days.

1. No sex outside of marriage.
2. Engagement, then marriage with certificate.
3. No sex outside of marriage.
4. Death/divorce certificate.
5. Repeat from 1.
Addendum: No marriage between close relatives.

The practical benefit of this system is that any child will know who both their biological parents are. From this they know who their close biological relatives are. Sexual freedom with no paper trail leads to unintentional incest, which results in genetic problems in the offspring.

[programmer101], Cardiff, United Kingdom

Marriage prevents incestuous relationships. I think Kiki has an cast-iron answer to that, if a completely useless answer to the question at the top of the page.

The Frtizel children will need genetic counseling
- their mother is their sister,
- and their father is their grandfather.

kiki fernando, london, United Kingdom

But here’s the idiot winner. I intend to find more of this cretin’s oral defecations.

If the wife or woman doesn’t do what she is told.

She’s out on her ear.

WOMEN….know your place !

They’ve had it far too easy for far too long.

Bah…Hippies have a got a lot to answer for.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Bloody hippies. You can’t even have perfectly reasonable opinions anymore without being FORCED to sound like one of those Cholmondley-Warner sketches.

More goodness. Thanks.

RADIO 2 - STEVE WRIGHT
“I was so annoyed with Steve Wright’s approach to the weather report. I do wish he would use the correct words to describe the temperature. ‘Degrees Celsius’ is not an English term.”

As you’re nearly dead already, I hope you realise that none of us are going to give a greasy fuck about your campaign after you’ve gone. It’s completely noddy.

RADIO 2 - WAKE UP TO WOGAN
“I feel that the programme is becoming very smutty. Terry Wogan is turning into a dirty old man. It’s time he was taken off air.”

RADIO - GENERAL
“I believe that the BBC is responsible for the increasing gap between the rich and the poor in this country because it pays its presenters too much.”
BBC LONDON 94.9

BBC1 - NEWS AT 10
Re. Ethiopian crisis: “I found the pictures depicting starving children deeply distressing and totally unnecessary.”

What sort of cunt, when faced with a choice beteen “worrying about it” and “ignoring it”, chooses “trying to get someone else to ignore it for them”?

BBC1 - BREAKFAST NEWS
“It was a disgrace that the presenters did not wear black armbands when discussing the deaths of the troops in Afghanistan.”

Perhaps the presenters were Welsh and the troops who died were English so they didn’t feel they deserved special treatment over all the other thousands of people who died that day? Or maybe the presenters were from Cheltenham but the troops were from Gloucester? There’ll be a very good reason, anyway.

NEWS - GENERAL
“I am sick of the BBC reporting on famine and poverty in third world countries.”

“There is far too much on the news about issues in countries that have very little relevance to people in the UK, such as Ethiopia and India. Viewers want to hear about news that affects us directly.”

Here’s some: Everyone you know secretly wants you to fuck off. Even your mum.

BBC YOUNG MUSICIAN OF THE YEAR
Felt that there was insufficient time given to the performances. “I was crying at the end of the final as I was so disappointed.”

DOCTOR WHO
“I would like a story to be created about Easter eggs being eaten and force fields being created.”

Someone deserves a medal for keeping a straight face here. I’m not sure whether it’s the caller or the person who logged it.

EASTENDERS
Felt that scenes of a violent nature were inappropriate. “There was a scene with a knife which was very disturbing. One character was stabbing a tub of butter. This was very insensitive.”

We need positive butter role-models for our kids. People who spread the stuff using sponges and teatowels maybe.

WEATHER
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “People do not understand when the BBC uses metric measurements, so why does it continue to be used? If the temperature is said to be 27, what is that?”

You’ll be pleased to know that the embolism that’ll finish you off is inching its way along an artery RIGHT NOW. Good old inches.