Thanks to Dan.

Actually it would be fairly easy to deal with the massive debt problem in this country. Introduce conscription for the armed forces (5 year term), only allowing single people in. Dissolve the fire service and hand those duties and euipment to the armed forces. Privatise the health service, education and waste disposal services. Dissolve social security, the state pension and force public sector workers to fund there own pensions. Repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality, or hamper businesses and individuals with beaurocracy. Also ban divorce for good measure.

People will be forced to adapt and have a choice with education, health and having the family and church as a support network, not the state.

How much have I just saved the country? £430 Bn a year which after three years we’ll have have paid off the debt and could reduce taxes to about a fifth of what they are now. So pay 6% flat tax and no NI contributions anyone?
gordon beresford

I’m jumping to conclusions here, but I’m willing to bet that Gordon Beresford is married and rich, with a healthy portfolio of low-risk investments, and lives in a flame-retardant house. I bet he also runs a small business producing generic Viagra, his wife is threatening to leave him, and he’s an ugly, selfish green smear of gleet on the sofa of humanity.

When he’s not hanging around in playgrounds, he punches hamsters to death for sexual thrills, but he’s so jaded that nothing, nothing will ever again elicit even the faintest twitch in his withered, bitter dribble of a penis.

Yesterday he went to the town hall to deliver a petition demanding the closure of his local Sure Start centre, stopping on the way to steal a scratchcard off an old lady. But it didn’t win, so he kicked her. Then he took some change out of a busker’s hat, and force-fed it to a pigeon.

Except it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a baby.

Trident was a weapon and deterant of a totally different time and enermy. It does not fit in with todays enermy as they know we wouldn’t use it.
It should be kept until a more suitable deterant or weapon is developed that would scare the bejesus out of terrist like the Taliban and Al-Quieda or even some of the more unstable Middle East nation like Syria Iran etc.
Be prepared to use it as a show of intention not just keep it lockd away in the tubes of subs gathering dust and costing a small fortune to maintain.

Either way, non of the current political leadership would dis-arm unilaterally as there is too much political outfall.
leambloke

See, that’s where we’re going wrong! Everyone’s complaining because they want to spend £100bn on something that’s out of date and not going to get used, but with all these people pointing out that there’s no-one to fire them at, only leambloke has managed to come up with the perfect, obvious, middle-of-the-road solution to everyone’s problems – just use the bastards anyway! Defy expectations! I’m glad leambloke is around to remind us that the option to fire nuclear missiles is always there, at least until Dr. Strangelove comes up with the Doomsday Machine.

Thanks to Dan for pointing out this next one:

A friend of mine has a painted biscuit tin hanging on a nail outside his house. He’s never been burgled. All the deterrent value of a real burglar alarm, without the expense.
So instead of wasting £80 billion on real nuclear missiles, why not just make some hollow metal shells and release lots of photos of them? They’ll never actually be put to the test anyway, so it’s a complete waste of money to make weapons that will never be fired. But if people think we have them, they’ll still work as a deterrent.
Graphis

Spot on. That rusty old tin of Peek Freans that your mate painted white and scribbled “BUGLER ALLARM” across in red marker is exactly the model of deception we’re looking for. I look forward to a nuclear defence policy that consists of sixty cardboard missiles with Geoff Hoon hiding behind them going “woosh, woosh, eeeeooooooowwwww”.

I’m not kidding, that’d be fucking awesome.

Our independent nuclear deterrent is worth much more than the 80bn pounds (upper estimate)it would cost to replace. Without nuclear weapons, we would lose our permanent seat on the UN security council (I don’t know if you’ve noticed but all the other countries are nuclear powers), lose our remaining influence in the world and become relegated to becoming a backwater European power on the same level as the Netherlands. From here, we’d lose preferential trade agreements and much of our strong negotiating position, the cost to the economy as we became more and more irrelevant would be huge. This is all quite apart from losing the industry which depends on the maintenance of nuclear weapons in this country.
Nuclear weapons are about a lot more than just causing untold destruction and it is important that people remember this before just thinking about the upfront cost of a replacement.
Anthony

Also, I heard they’re kicking us out of the Tufty Club because Gordon Brown only looked one way when he crossed the street. That’s much worse, because getting kicked out of the Security Council would only lose us our right to go first in the queue at the UN cafeteria, but getting kicked out of the Tufty Club would mean the nice policeman wouldn’t come and do his puppet show at Parliament.

357. At 5:33pm on 07 Apr 2010, Raymond Hopkins wrote:
Swear word with a Z? As it happens, I know five of them, although one should really only be counted as a gross insult. Ah, the benefits of a broad education!

Cuntzip?

No one should be surprised that some of our generals want to get rid of our nuclear deterrent.None of them have had experience of working with nuclear weapons or looking at other state’s nuclear, chemical or biological capabilities and their Army Staff College training will have taught them nothing about nuclear strategy – a subject which still isn’t taught in any depth in the current modern Joint Staff Courses.

The cavalry generals were arguing the same thing to get more tanks in the Cold War – even when all their tanks and 30-40 million of their countrymen could die in minutes without a credible nuclear deterrent. Now its the infantry generals arguing for more money and lives to be spent fighting far away gro-
David Davies

I had to stop David there, because it goes on for a while and he’s a massive twat. You could go and look at the article to find his comment, but I guarantee there’s nothing interesting in the rest of it, and he’s a massive twat. He also posted this at 1.42am, so he’s probably also either a jobless and gormless massive twat, or taking a break from his job playing with his winkie while watching war documentaries on the History Channel and National Geographic – which is probably where he learned everything he knows about the military and which, incidentally, would also make him a massive twat.

Speaking of massive twats…

If it is Britain’s future to be dominated/controlled by the EEC… then Britain is finished. Britain will have no future: A glance at History will tell us that Britain MUST stand on her own two feet. That will require British brains, British confidence…British guts. Sometimes I wonder if we have lost it all.

It is truly amazing how quickly the lessons of History are forgotten in Britain today. Those who forget the past…are doomed!
ANTHONY GUMBS

Lost it all? Jesus Christ, Anthony! That’s not the Dunkirk Spirit! That’s not what won the war for us! We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them on the streets! We will fight them by the swimming pools, especially if those Kraut bastards try and sneak down first thing in the morning and put their filthy European towels on the sunbeds while we’re having a good British lie-in! For fuck’s sake, Anthony! Nearly seventy cocking years gone by, seventy years of reinforcing that the British won a British war with British guts and British confidence, not to mention British brains spread liberally all over British fields in British France, and you’re wondering if we’ve lost it all?

Don’t worry, Anthony. We haven’t lost it, not if your example is anything to go by – your example of posting about twenty fucking times on the same fucking article with hard-up patriotic bollocks referring to abstract qualities every country in the world claims for their brave boys in uniform. That still says to me that if there’s something utterly pointless and shit to do, then there’ll always be a British man ready to step up and be shit at it while failing to realise it’s all utterly pointless.

This wouldn’t happen to have anything to with the Generals wanting the Army to have a higher proportion of defenence spending?

Talk of a silo based system by the Liberal Democrats also shows them to be unfit to govern. Such a system would:

- Make the UK homeland a target
- Place a strong incentive on an enemy of the UK to launch a first strike
- Be highly vulnerable

A bomber launched system have the same disadvantages but would also require the huge cost of buying or developing a fleet of strategic bombers.
Andre Deutsch

I know for a fact that:

- Our very real enemies currently have plans to fire missiles randomly into the ocean in the hope they’ll hit a Trident submarine, instead of at the places where all the people live
- The locations of the missile silos will all be on Google Maps, along with the nearest hotels with prayer rooms and roadside cafes that don’t sell bacon
- I can’t think of a third one, so I’ll just make something up that seems slightly plausible, because all the really great arguments always make their points in threes

Well the £80 billion is the total system cost of its like, about 25 years.
So £80 billion divided by 25 equals £320 million per year. Given parliament costs about £500 billion per year, and one could also ask to what use I don’t think that is a bad price to pay to dissuade some nutter who might decide to launch a nuke at us one day.
Jack Black

Personally, I think the money could be better spent on remedial maths classes for adults. But then, what do I know. Apart from basic maths.

I was under the impression that Ministers where supposed to govern the country and not rely on advisers. It is quite simple a Minister stands up and says its banned until such time the awaited report is produced when a further decision will be taken. Those that want to embroil children into the shady world of drugs and supply plant food to them can then have the option of going to court and ask for a Judical Review of the Minister’s decision. I’ve got a pound that says they wont go to court. I’ve got another pound that says there isn’t a minister in this government that’s brave enough to take the decision.
Phil Davies

Fuck it, why not just ban everything in the world until someone can present a watertight case for it not being illegal? Just to be on the safe side.

The case against shouting at squirrels:

• Noise pollution
• Squirrel distress
• Sore throat

The case for shouting at squirrels:

• Erm

Based on the evidence put before the court, shouting at squirrels shall remain an offence. Now we’ll hear the Crown versus Lightly Tickling The Inside Of One’s Own Forearm.

I’d just use plain & simple common sense, but unfortunately, although it is commonly available to all, many would not recognise it unless it was packaged up & sold in £1 shops or Primark or came with tomatoe ketchup on top.
[MrWonderfulReality]

Robert says: “I believe MrWonderfulReality has confused ‘common sense’ with a pair of socks and a burger”.

I fully support Tesco’s action. It is high time that all people learned to have and show respect for others and this is just one way to do it. This attitude should prevail in schools, workplaces, actually everywhere and maybe we would then see less ASBOs and cruelty.
Dani Bertschy, Poole, United Kingdom

Yeah, that ought to do it. The crime rate would plummet if everyone took the time to put on a pair of chinos and a smart jacket. I mean, when’s the last time someone well-dressed turned out to be a lying, corrupt, selfish, racist, warmongering, mass-murdering, money-grubbing, right honourable, power-crazed fuck?

I used to live in the Dunfermline area and had cause to speak to the management of Asda.
It was a warm summers day and a man came into the store to buy items for a barbeque, he was only wearing a pair of shorts, no shoes, no top. He was a very hairy and heavy chap and was leaning over open produce counters, I found this to be completely inappropriate. I am not a prude in any sense of the word but his state of undress was suitable for the back garden or the beach NOT A FOOD HALL
Anne-Marie, Stirling

I looked up “prude” in a few online dictionaries for you and found definitions as diverse as:

• a person excessively concerned about propriety and decorum
• a person who is easily shocked by rude things, especially those of a sexual type
• someone who is overly concerned with modest or proper conduct, speech, dress, or the like

… are you absolutely, completely, 100% positive you didn’t mean “prune”?

And, with the same cavalier disregard for relevance as you’d have for the safety of the innocent, you might also sieze the opportunity to do yet another stream-of-consciousness belch about Everything That Is Wrong With This Country, right in the internet’s face. Thanks to Pete.

Like the rest of this country under Gordon Brown the Royal Navy is hide bound by stupid health and safety regulations. Bring back Vian and the cry ‘The Navy’s here’ when they boarded the Altmark in Norwegian waters to rescue the British prisoners held aboard her.
Phil Adwick

Fucking Gordon Brown, can’t stop messing around with the Royal Navy, constantly wandering into their headquarters at three in the morning, naked but for a pair of socks and a floral hat, waving around pieces of paper with yet more stupid health and safety regulations on them, stupid health and safety regulations such as:

• Don’t fire on civilians!
• Try not to endanger the lives of civilians!
• Don’t kill civilians! Especially when trying to rescue them!

Something must be done to halt these blatant acts of piracy. As an ex military man my response would be to destroy every craft on the Somali shoreline and every craft on the South Yemen shoreline if they support these criminals. If that proves insufficient then level Somalia to glass, leave nothing. They think life is cheap….then let us make theirs so.
Lurcher

That dishonourable discharge still rankles, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately the lawyers run the asylum, where people in authority know it is better to play safe than act. Nobody will sack the captain (teacher, policeman, doctor, electrician) for doing nothing. It’s doing something which leaves you vulnerable to the blood sucking lawyers and the judges. Judges who claim their judgements seem ridiculous but ‘their hands are tied’. Kids sue teachers, yobs sue anyone who intervenes, burglars sue the home owner. Captains of Navy ships would rather see an old couple be dragged off by ruthless pirates than risk making a mistake. And I’d have done the same. Britain is in a hell of a mess, getting worse each generation.
wshrtbe

I think washitterbee must keep this comment on a text file somewhere, and just copies it into any thread he/she/it blunders into, with some token reference to the actual topic clumsily stapled to its balls.

But there’s an interesting twist. Check out the admisson that: “I’d have done the same”. I think this basically translates as: “this country is a massive shitbasket of cowardice and opportunism, and I’m as much to blame as anybody. When is someone else going to come and make it better again?”

Well, we were waiting for you to sort it, wooshtibrubber. But you let us down and now we want blood. You might’ve heard a knock at the door just now – that’s the Royal Navy come to blow your face off with a massive battleship on wheels. Apparently you’re exempt under the stupid health and safety regulations.

Eire – how sad! It’s hopeless – having sold its sovereignty for a few pieces of silver.

And the UK? How is it a former great nation is allowing itself to be subsumed and has lost the will to stand alone and yet take a lead and be distinctive? Of course, a kingdom divided against itself (by “Devolution”) is ruined! And its laws, Mr Megrahi, are in tatters.

In the “plurality” of Europe there is no “common sense” – no sense held in common! It will take a millennium to come to an accommodation.
[incandescere], Barnsley, United Kingdom

Thanks to Sheldon The Mighty for bringing to our attention this twathammer, who breathed the following, almost unbearably poignant sigh of soft, furry humanity after reading about the death of a 19-year-old man at a freshers’ event.

Is there anyone left in this country who knuckles down to hard work,graft and toil rather than this Sodom and Gomorrah attitude towards everything?

Nobody wishes to be a killjoy but surely social events and celebrations should be at the end of an academic year not at the beginning?

Who is it who runs these establishments? Don’t they have tutorials and curriculae and deadlines anymore? What has happened to competition?No wonder we are the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry are queueing up to get into the country.How can a a student possibly have the spare cash for a drunken orgy? It’s all this lending which creates a louche atmosphere. I even overheard a student recently saying he was going to swap courses because the gown and hood on the other course was better.

In my day you never discussed whether you would get a degree and nobody ever talked about a graduation ceremony. You were just grateful to be there and worried sick about staying the course.
james allen, manchester england

Aye, your day, when a university student had neither the time nor resources to indulge in anything beyond dehumanising toil and sleep. When, robed in sackcloths, he lived his life in terrified silence, never looking his fellow students in the eye, never dwelling for a moment on his privilege, lest it all slip through his desperate, clutching fingers, like a rope made of farts. Upon graduation, he would emerge, blinking, from his first few gloomy years of adulthood, a dead-eyed, unfeeling automaton.

University of Glasgow, class of 1752, yeah?