spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Glenn who points out that this one “works really well if you read it in the style of Saruman just before he duffs Gandalf up”.

Eire – how sad! It’s hopeless – having sold its sovereignty for a few pieces of silver.

And the UK? How is it a former great nation is allowing itself to be subsumed and has lost the will to stand alone and yet take a lead and be distinctive? Of course, a kingdom divided against itself (by “Devolution”) is ruined! And its laws, Mr Megrahi, are in tatters.

In the “plurality” of Europe there is no “common sense” – no sense held in common! It will take a millennium to come to an accommodation.
[incandescere], Barnsley, United Kingdom

I proudly present “Gainsbourg”, our newest SYB author. Hopefully he’ll inject a bit of life into this place and stop me wanting to stab myself in the eye. Either that or he’ll get bored and fuck off, leaving Alex and me alone once again, trudging our bleary way through this blizzard of terrifying wank.
- Nelson

Thanks to Sheldon The Mighty for bringing to our attention this twathammer, who breathed the following, almost unbearably poignant sigh of soft, furry humanity after reading about the death of a 19-year-old man at a freshers’ event.

Is there anyone left in this country who knuckles down to hard work,graft and toil rather than this Sodom and Gomorrah attitude towards everything?

Nobody wishes to be a killjoy but surely social events and celebrations should be at the end of an academic year not at the beginning?

Who is it who runs these establishments? Don’t they have tutorials and curriculae and deadlines anymore? What has happened to competition?No wonder we are the laughing stock of the world and all and sundry are queueing up to get into the country.How can a a student possibly have the spare cash for a drunken orgy? It’s all this lending which creates a louche atmosphere. I even overheard a student recently saying he was going to swap courses because the gown and hood on the other course was better.

In my day you never discussed whether you would get a degree and nobody ever talked about a graduation ceremony. You were just grateful to be there and worried sick about staying the course.
james allen, manchester england

Aye, your day, when a university student had neither the time nor resources to indulge in anything beyond dehumanising toil and sleep. When, robed in sackcloths, he lived his life in terrified silence, never looking his fellow students in the eye, never dwelling for a moment on his privilege, lest it all slip through his desperate, clutching fingers, like a rope made of farts. Upon graduation, he would emerge, blinking, from his first few gloomy years of adulthood, a dead-eyed, unfeeling automaton.

University of Glasgow, class of 1752, yeah?

I know I should leave Biased BBC alone, but to be honest, if you’re going to use painfully obvious song-title puns to complain about the ethnics on your telly, you’re pretty much asking for it.

If it “makes no difference if you’re black or white” why has the BBC wheeled one black artiste on after another to tell us how important MJ was?

As you no doubt guessed, we at SYB are in league with the BBC, and out of curiosity we forwarded your complaint to the Head of Leftist Activism. We received this statement by return of post:

Dear Speak Your Brains [sic],

Jackson does not dictate policy and, here at the BBC, impartiality guidelines are quite clear about just such controversial assertions. ‘Stand by Me’ must be put on alongside ‘Don’t Stand so Close to Me’, and ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking for’ may not be played unless equal airtime is given to the skiffle standard ‘Blow Me Down, It Was in My Pocket All Along’. As such, the BBC gave, as required, equal consideration to the prospect that it does matter if you’re black or white.

Controller of Political Bias, Broadcasting House, Londonistan

Thanks to Phil and Rich for these.

Your Royal Highness Queen Elizibeth. As a loyal servent, I see your Parlimentarians have disgraced themselves and i would recomend they are all removed forthwith and new directions made to their succesors, clensing the filth that has gone unchecked for many years. I regret to inform you all,that its now time the monarchy impose their will on its subjects, in the best interests of the country/subjects towards the men who impose on you and made accountable for their self protected thieving actions
Spitfire Pilot, Low Over, United Kingdom

TO HRM Queen Elizabeth II

Please I beg you as a loyal subject of this once great nation please intervene on the behalf of your loyal citizens and end this era of greed and corruption. We need to be able to draw a line under this whole episode and move forward with confidence. The only way to achieve this is for you to dissolve parliament and order a full audit of the countries finances.
Its time for you to prove your un-doubted worth to the nation, be bold be strong be true to your people help us in our hour of need. If you act we will support you.

Love and Loyalty

WEP
WhiteEnglishProud

Thanks to Tegid for this one from the Rugby Observer. It’s a work of tweedy genius.

TOO LONG BETWEEN COLLECTIONS

While I welcomed the council finally collecting my recycling bin this week, the question remains why it took the council nearly a month between the end of red box collections and the start of the blue bin collections.

The result was a massibe overflow of recyclables at my house – mainly bottles. I am an alcoholic, for my sins, so get through dozens of bottles every week. I do my best to be ‘green’ and religously recycle all I can. When my red box was full I regularly drove to Tesco to recycle the bottles. Unfortunately, on returning from one recyclng trip I was pulled over by the police and breathalysed.

Due to my illness I tested positive and subsequently lost my licence. So now I have no option but to rely on the council to collect my bottles.

By the time my blue bin was emptied I had enough empty bottles to refill it straight away.

Goodness knows how many more bottles I shall accumulate by the time the bin gets emptied again in a fortnight’s time.

So come on the council, help us save the planet.

Kenneth Bubb
Address Supplied

It works best if you imagine it in the voice of Toad of Toad Hall.

Thanks to Michael for this.

RADIO 4 – PM
“The interview with the BNP member was biased. The interviewer asked if the BNP has any Asians in its party. This was a question designed to put the party in a bad light as the interviewer would have known that there are no Asian members.”

Cut this out and pop it up in the post-office:

BREAKFAST TV
“It annoys me that the Susanna Reid looks to the right all the time. I believe she has a monitor there and that she is looking at herself in it.”

Nah, they keep a huge pyramid of profiteroles there. It’s the only way they can get her to perform.

WEATHER
Annoyed that metric measurements are used rather than Imperial. “The BBC lives in a private world of its own. We do not want to hear this European propaganda.”

Still not dead, eh?

More from the wonderful log. You know who you are. Thanks.

RADIO 4 – GARDENER’S QUESTION TIME
“During the weather report half way through the programme, the forecaster said that tomorrow was the first day of autumn. Autumn doesn’t start until 23/09/08, and I found it quite depressing to have someone tell me my summer is over.”

Worthless turdgobbler.

GENERAL TV
“I’d like the BBC to do a programme investigating neuroleptics and their effects on people. It should be called ‘Cure or Torture’.”

Yeah, alright.

LAST CHOIR STANDING
“I am unhappy that viewers were invited to cast votes during the repeat of the programme. Confusion was added by subtitles across the screen advising that the lines were closed. I found the whole thing insulting to viewers.”

Ask a nurse to explain it to you.

RADIO 2 – PAUL GAMBACCINI
“I did not like this programme.”

Consider it cancelled.

NEW TRICKS
“I find it frightening that a character was seen injecting alcohol into an orange. I feel that this could give ideas to terrorists about how to poison fruit.”

It’s fine. Whenever they show someone injecting stuff into fruit, they always do it slightly wrong to fool evildoers. Anyway, you can’t stop people figuring this stuff out. If a terrorist REALLY wants to learn how to inject stuff into fruit, they can go to a training camp in Afghanistan.

RADIO 2 – STEVE WRIGHT
“Yet again, Steve Wright has been giving the temperature in celsius. This is a non-English term and should not be used on the BBC.”

There’s actually something comforting about your impotent rage.

RADIO 4 – ALAN SILLITOE
“The programme was inappropriate as it gave an idea on how to start fires and I live beside a lot of trees.”

Fuck! Normally I can laugh and dismiss you people as self-absorbed gits but I actually live beside a couple of trees myself.

RADIO 4 – THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
“There are too many Muslim contributors on the programme.”

And we all know that, no matter what a Muslim might say on Radio4, he/she is really thinking “Hmmm, I can’t remember if I’ve still got half a tin of tomatoes in the fridge but I don’t want to go to Morrisons on the way home because I’d have to get off two stops early and it might rain, and I’ve got my laptop with me so I don’t want to get wet and I wonder if I should explode after lunch?”.

RADIO 4 – TODAY PROGRAMME
“I would like John Humphrys to explain what the effect would be if someone flew over the centre of a hurricane 200 miles clear of land and dropped a one megaton air-burst atom bomb down the centre. I would like this to be made into a discussion on the programme.”

If anyone knows, John Humphrys knows.

BBC NEWS AT TEN
“I am sick of hearing American news. If it’s not Barack Obama campaigning it is some storm that doesn’t even materialise. I want to hear what is going on in the United Kingdom.”

Same old. Everybody’s whining about shit.

BBC NEWS CHANNEL
“A majority of male reporters on the BBC News channel are under-dressed. They should be forced to wear a shirt and tie.”

And tied to the newsreading chair. You’d like that wouldn’t you eh? Yes you would. Dirty girl.

BREAKFAST (TV)
“During the item on eating shell fish there was no health warning given. This is extremely dangerous, especially with the amount of radioactivity in the sea.”

Not to mention the difficulty breathing while you’re down there.

MASTERCHEF: THE PROFESSIONALS
“Greg Wallace is just a glorified greengrocer and he is not qualified to present a programme like this, I will not be watching as I think he is a big drip.”

Fair enough.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
“The contestants are not clever at all, all they do is regurgitate knowledge but I think in any other situation in life they would struggle. I would like to see a programme examining how they cope in everyday life as I think they are socially inept.”

Yeah! Let’s see them be as socially skilled as you eh? You’d show them! Then they wouldn’t be so high and mighty would they? YOU’D BE THE LEAST SOCIALLY INEPT. Finally, the world would have to recognise that you’re “OK”.

NEWS GENERAL
“The news reporting on the BBC is totally bias as there has been no mention of the upturn in the housing market, its just all doom and gloom.”

Are you one of those cunts that thinks a “stock ticker” applet is useful? You could stare at it all day and smile whenever it’s going up and frown when it’s going down.

Old stuff that has languished in my box.

RADIO 2 – NEWS BULLETINS
“I feel that mentioning homosexuals and condoms throughout the day repeatedly in the news is sordid and distasteful. I do not wish to hear this kind of thing on the station. The BBC needs to remember that about 90% of the population is straight.”

RADIO 4 – SATURDAY LIVE
“I thought the item on the old women who thought she had bought a hand massager but actually bought a dildo was excellent. I was laughing so hard I had to pull the car off the road.”

NEWSROUND
“There was an item in the programme which had someone jumping about in a church and putting his foot on a cross. This was setting a very bad example to children.”

ROYAL ASCOT
“I found the fashion correspondent Julia Bradbury to be very common. She was talking about ‘boobs’.”

WIMBLEDON 2008
“I feel that the BBC should make some strong comments in relation to the competitors grunting and groaning during play, which I feel is totally unnecessary.”