spEak You’re bRanes

Quick quiz for you. What kind of HYS thread has no instances of “Gordon CLOWN” or “Nu Labour,” and no-one complaining about the awful tax burden they’re under?

Why, one about the economy, of course.

It’s not in gov’s interests to employ an uncontrollable currency not based on “trust”. So WE have to do it, freedom loving people.

I say use ENERGY as the currency standard. It would fluctuate far worse than gold, but so what? You can’t corner it and liquidate the whole standard. NO RISK.
Transfer of it is already on a huge grid, so maybe it helps eliminate artificial currency.

I ask you. Wouldnt converting to that standard instantly eliminate oil-speculation and gouging of consumers?

[ozhika], Salem, United States

This is a perfect idea! All we have to do to stablise the economy and oil prices is make oil and money directly equivalent. Also, let me tell you about my brilliant idea for eradicating AIDS with the patented no-condom fuckathon.

I’ve stopped buying a newspaper because the same publisher also prints a free newspaper and it’s distributed at railway and underground stations. I’ve also cut down on using the car to take the dogs to a large park for a walk. I now walk them there. It’s benefits myself by helping keep me fit, saves wear and tear on my car thus lower maintenance costs, I spend less on petrol, I’m emitting less C02 or whatever it is called into the environment.

[PoshFenTiger], East Anglia, United Kingdom

Your sacrifices have not gone un-noticed, PoshFenTiger. I just hope it’s enough, otherwise you might have to cut down on your energy bill by heating your house with your enormous sense of self-satisfaction instead.

People need to shop for leisure, but everyone has different tastes in expenditure, but yeah i’d agree richer people can be really slack with their money. They don’t and do work as hard as anyone and in a lot of cases they simply don’t work anywhere near as hard as people with a lot less. Poor people can waste smaller amounts of money the same. Controlled expenditure is wise and good and maybe makes us think more about life matters.

Nick, S/Shields

I like vanilla ice cream but also chocolate is quite nice, that doesn’t necessarily mean that chocolate is better or anything but yeah I do like it better sometimes. Although sometimes I prefer vanilla so I suppose it is better except when it’s not. This is why Ben & Jerry’s is a good company please give me an A* Mr. Business Studies Examiner.

Should murder laws be changed so that the wife you’ve chained to the cooker can knifecrime you in the face while you’re delivering her nightly post-pub slap?

I agree that there is a difference between cold blooded murder, and someone killing a partner out of fear and desperation. However, if these changes are not implemented with caution, we will see a leap in cases where one has been killed by their partner, and the partner will make the case that they were being abused, whether or not it’s true.

What next? “My client was driven to kill her husband because he kept leaving the cap off the toothpaste!”

Jethro Tull, Kent, United Kingdom

A very good point. Obviously the people drafting the law haven’t considered your cunning loophole. I’ll write to them - in case the nurse won’t let you have the crayon today - with a letter saying, make sure you check people’s stories when they say they were being abused - don’t just let them off with it! I’ll suggest they get about 10 or 14 people to agree whether they think the right decision’s been made too.

Another sexist law to benefit women. So now someone who, of their own free will, stays with a partner who beats them up is allowed to kill them and not be charged with murder.

There is a great amount of help for women (but not men) who are victims of domestic violence so there is no excuse for staying with them.

I don’t condone domestic - or indeed any - violence toward women, but murder is murder.

[Mark_in_Wilts]

These wily women, Mark. Back when I was seven I wrote a swear on Marie-Claire Armstrong’s pencil case. Next thing I know I’m 26, she’s contacting me through friends reunited and we’re married after a whirlwind romance. Within six months she had me mounted in a strange marionette device which forced me to beat her up every night and formed my vocal chords into shapes which made me say the most horrible things about her. Finally I got weirded out and left her, but with the benefit of your perspective it occurs to me she was forcing me into it so she could fit me up and get away with killing me. Lucky escape, I see now.

Okay, so now that political correctness and the nanny state has proven that it is a complete failure when can common sense and liberty be reinstalled into this country?

I am sick of watching criminals get away with it while the victim is treated with no justice and no protection.
Bring back hard discipline for hard crimes, stop molly coddling to human rights that criminals exploit and the victims have none.

Just Another HYS Ranter, United Kingdom

I hear the nanny state’s next move after keeping murder illegal is to not decriminalise rape.

Murder is murder and should be punishable by life in a proper jail, not the 5 star hotels they are kept in now.
Anyone committing murder is scum and has no right to enjoyable life, the person they killed doesn’t get a second chance at life so neither should these people. No rehab, no time off for good behaviour, no privileges, just sit in a conrete cell until death because that’s what is deserved.

[speaking_my_mind]

True, true. The wife and I booked two weeks in Pentonville last summer (tax fraud, decent lawyer, cost us less than Majorca would have, all told) and you literally wouldn’t believe how lovely it all was. This lovely fellow named Stabber showed us how to make a shiv from a spoon, oh the games we played!

If you think about it, climate change is terrifying and fascinating at the same time. The mighty forces of nature clashing and finding a new equilibrium with no thought for the puny humans caught up in their wrath. Of course, if you don’t think about it, you end up with opinions like these.

The ‘greenies’ make me laugh sometimes. Smug in their hybrid cars,not realising the energy used to create and build their ‘green’ electric car cost the planet far more than a normal vehicle.When those batteries need to be replaced in a few years time do they magically disappear and new ones arrive? Take a cycle? If I wanted a death wish,and if you smugly saving the world on a cycle,just think of how much more fuel motorists are using having to slow down and accelerate past you. Very selfish.

Something Else, Bracknell, United Kingdom

Presumably the greenest thing you can do is just drive straight through them. As long as the frame doesn’t get caught up in your wheelarches you lose very little speed indeed.

Absolutely not!

The credit crunch hit me pretty hard and the last thing on my mind is the environment. We should solve one problem at a time instead of introducing more!

It’s like kicking someone when they are down!

Regards

John Williams

Exactly. Everything in the world is very simple and will wait for us to get to it. The notion that there could be a link between, say, rising oil prices and dwindling natural resources is difficult and therefore irrelevant.

For god’s sake would you kindly drop all this “green” nonsense, it’s all complete rubbish and I can’t believe that any educated adult can fall for such an obvious scam.

[speaking_my_mind]

That’s us told then. Pack up the labs, boys, you’ve been rumbled.

“Going green?”

Green with envy because others have something that I don’t? Nope.

Or did you mean green as in going mouldy and rotten? Nope, not that either.

Only other ‘green’ I can think of is a normal word hijacked to mean ever more control wielded by the minority over the majority using some crazy computer models that were designed to prove exactly what they did…surprisingly.

I’m cutting back on unnecesary expenses because the taxation level in this country is getting stupid.

[korat102], Milton Keynes

Those mad scientists! Don’t they realise these models are going to drown Bangladesh if they don’t stop making them so damn accurate?

This government doesn’t have a green message.
How can it possibly claim to be green when their open door policies have admitted more people than the nation can house and they’ve rubber stamped concreteing over and building on every square inch of green in this once pleasant land?
How can they claim to be green when they have changed planning permission rules to ok the building of wind turbines that are so inefficient we have to subsidise ALL the power they produce at the taxpayers expense?

[spannerdude], Union of European Socialist Republics, United Kingdom

This is one “END OF!” away from being the most perfect HYS comment ever.

Thanks to Joe and Jonny and possibly other people for this first one. From the thread about the “Heinz Gay Kiss“.

I also did a double take when I saw this advert. Having grown up in the era where homosexuality is regularly shown on screen even I thought this was a step too far. It is not only unnecessary and confusing for young children, but also serves to emasculate the man even further. He is essentially ordered to kiss the “Deli Chef” which he does full on the lips. This emasculation of the male character within household adverts is insidious with many adverts of today, now showing men being bullied into homosexual acts in their own kitchens is taking it to a new extreme.
Andy, Stourbridge

I can’t imagine anything more extreme. Unless it involved erect cocks, arseholes, tongues, strawberries and a man wearing nothing but socks, tied to the radiator, with someone else’s ballsack in his mouth.

I found these in the same thread:

A cynical publicity stunt by Heinz. I hope their shock tactics fail miserably. Heinz have offended both homosexual militants and normal people, albeit for opposite reasons. Now everyone can boycott Heinz to protest at their inconsiderate behaviour.
Andy, London

I wonder whether Andy classes himself as a “homosexual militant” or a “normal”?

The real question is - “Is homosexuality legally acceptable as a lifestyle in Britain?” If the answer is no then ban away. If the answer is yes, then you are submitting the censorship laws to the often biased/bigoted views of the non-homosexual majority. The larger question might be: “Should we fully inform children that there are both heterosexual and homosexual alternatives and let them see role models and examples of each in the media?” If we are not going to inform them thus, aren’t we simply saying that heterosexuality is the default position - heterosexuality is the only OK form of sexuality to show to children? Is not this a meta-prejudice demonstrating that all other alternatives are inferior, subordinate and morally suspicious?
Nigel McBain, Kingston upon Thames, England

Cheers Nigel. It’s good to see someone standing up and saying… um.. whatever you said. You are teh intellechule uber-librul.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this next one before. Someone’s probably sent it to me already. Sorry, I forget everything.

I was appalled at the advert. Having young children calling a man “mum” was sad, confusing, and so very wrong. Seeing same sex kissing is stomach-churning to most people who are not homosexual. Please keep adverts to appeal to the majority. I feel this was possibly deliberate to get discussion going and to brain wash people into eventually seeing these things as normal. What a sad reflection on life today.
Joan Bailie, Grimsby, Lincs, UK

It’s all part of the Heinz agenda to turn our kids gay. Everyone knows gayz buyz beanz.

I don’t know if anyone here’s a fan of the ‘Biased-BBC‘ blog, but I like to think of them as a specialist version of the HYS poster, only a little more sophisticated, a little more eloquent, a little more enraged and right-wing, and of course a shitload more credulous and paranoid. Anyway, they’ve published their own letter to the editor, by ANDREW MCCANN.

FOR THE ATTENTION OF THE BBC COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT

Has the American presidential election already reached its conclusion? I have to ask since the evaporation of coverage on the BBC news since the confirmation of Barack Obama as Democrat nominee has been noted by many. The British Broadcasting Corporation was quite happy to flood news bulletins with ‘Presidential’ campaign happenings during the ‘beauty’ contest between Clinton and Obama. However, now that the BBC might just have to turn its attention to a more balanced coverage of the campaign by including Republican candidate, John McCain (remember him?), it suddenly has lost all interest.

Oh, what a beauty contest the Democrat race proved to be: both candidates filled every ‘tick-box’ on the social profiling sheet of the average Guardianista. One was a woman; the other was black. ‘Whoopee’ cried the anti-Israeli, anti-American, tree hugging news teams at the BBC. What did it matter that a potential leader of the free world should have more suitably meritocratic attributes such as intelligence, political nous, first-hand experience of America’s military engagements, an appreciation of realpolitik, and integrity? The sum total of the BBC’s analysis was preoccupied with the gender of one and the ethnicity of the other. As for the Grand Old Party, they might as well have shuffled off stage-left. The BBC, like the other Left-leaning, liberal ‘luvvies’ which dominate the European media scene, want a Democrat in the White House. Why don’t you just be honest and admit it?

I like the way “every tick box” comes to two. Whatever happened to one-legged Muslim lesbians? And look at the end: the more enraged he gets, the more he alliterates.

I am a BBC licence payer (for my sins). I want to see a Republican returned to power in the United States. I certainly do not want to see someone whose paternal ancestry shares the same religion as the evil-doers who killed 3,000 people in New York City seven years ago: a man who is prepared to ‘combat’ the rise of evil terrorist Islamism by sitting down and having cosy little chats with some of its principal protagonists. When are my preferences going to be incorporated in the so-called impartial coverage your organisation is (dubiously) renowned for?

You missed a trick Andrew: not only does Obama’s paternal ancestry share the same religion as the evil-doers who killed 3,000 people in New York City seven years ago, but his surname is only one letter away from ‘Osama’ and his middle name is only one ‘Saddam’ away from SADDAM HUSSEIN! If you don’t put the effort in, they won’t give a shit for your “preferences”.

If and, as I expect, when John McCain is voted the 44th President of the United States will we be offered the sort of ethno-centric spite-laden coverage I expect? The sort which will feebly attempt to portray the American electorate as bunch of subliminal Alabamaesque red-necks who couldn’t bring themselves to vote for poor old Barack because he was black? I am prepared to bet money on it. For in the final analysis it is those of the Left who lionise on the basis of sociological labels, and it is those of us on the Right who prefer to view people on their genuine merits.

Yours truly

ANDREW MCCANN

I’m with you there. I respect people according to their actions. As long as they’re not female, black, muslim, poor, disabled, Iranian, Chinese, Korean, Iraqi, Palestinian, Syrian, French (um.. someone check that for me, are the French ok again now that Sarkozy’s up for killing some Iranians?), Lebanese, atheist or, God forbid, left-leaning liberal ‘luvvies’.

Nothing like a thread on Mugabe to bring the amateur Mark Thatchers out of the woodwork.

As I said months ago, Mugabe will do whatever it takes, to stay in power.
Rick McDaniel, Lewisville, TX

If only we’d listened! Quickly, you need to alert someone important of these razor sharp insights. How about posting them on a website full of confused, prattling dullards squawking their fear of everything that doesn’t come sealed in foil, with a picture of their mum printed on it?

I think enough has been seen and heard to assume that most people want a regime change. The next election will obviously tell us nothing newand we have heard from the top of the Zanu PF party that they will not give up power no matter what the voters want.

So - what are the African and European states going to do?

I for one would chip in for a mercenary force to topple this government - it would not be very hard.
Jimbo, London

I love the idea of this guy going round Oxford Street shaking a tin: “Few coppers for a good cause mate? Yeah, we’re gonna raise an army and overthrow an African government. Nah, Zimbabwe actually. Thanks mate.” He probably thinks you can buy a mercenary force from Clinton’s cards.

Thanks to Bob.

The issue here isn’t one simply of crime. It’s the whole general attitude of today’s “yoof” that is the problem.

Intimidation
Lack of respect
Lazyness
Scruffyness
Lack of morals
Filthy language
Poor diction

None of the above things go through the courts, but they all influence how we perceive today’s youngsters.

When will those in power realise that you can’t decide policy from looking at pretty graphs and statistics - you actually have to get out there amongst the filth!!

Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

You’re one of those massive men with squeaky voices aren’t you? And the eyelashes of a cow? The sort of person who writes a letter to the council because your neighbour doesn’t keep his wheelie bins lined up straight against the wall. You work in public sector IT “support” but spend most of your time making squeaky, smug excuses like “Well, I could reset your password but not without a ‘Credential Change Request Form - CCF-ISG-CCR01′”. You have your own little corner that nobody else likes to go near in case they get a querulous lecture on how the tomato is actually a fruit. You actually think that you’re funny and that wearing a bowtie makes you look sophisticated and intelligent. Cock. They’d fire you if they thought they could prise you out from where you’ve got wedged behind that desk.

Something about knifecrime. Did you hear what I said? I said KNIFECRIME! Got it? KNIFECRIME!

If the wheatfield has weeds present, how do we cleanse the field and turn the weeds into wheat?
We can treat the symptoms (knifecrime), we can also try to treat the causes (Mr Tony Blair had 10 years to tackle this).
The basic cause surely influences more than knifecrime, and influences all crime? Burglary, theft, car crime, fraud, child abuse, rape, violence, murder, …
What are the government achievements to date in reducing the causes of crime? An update please, Home Secretary….
Justice Cocklecarrot, Auchtermuchty, United Kingdom

Did anyone else read this and expect the wheatfield analogy to come back? I was hoping we were going to bang Tony Blair against a metal grate until his chaff fell off. Or maybe grind up the “symptoms wheat” into “causes flour” and then bake a tasty “crime bun” or something. Sadly, it seems that Justice Cocklecarrot has limited RAM and forgot his opening gambit by the time he got to the next sentence. The Twat-O-Tron is genuinely more coherent than these people. It’s actually frightening.

Thanks to Phil. This smug fool’s tedious warbling seems to be channeling Timothy Claypole.

I am 61 retired .Have a degree in chemical engineering ,,,so have no background in tax matters ,,,But do understand basic Numbers ,,,Tis not beyond the whit of man to work out that the last budget ,,would cause problems ,,,To me now the change has been made ,,little difference ,,,I note one year only !!! ,, Tis all in events ,,yes and somethings just happen ,,I agree but Brown is a Disaster ,,,Does not even look like a PM ,,no . leading ,control
Methinks he should go ,, Now ,,,
W A Froud, Letchworth hers UK

I reckon that use of the word “methinks” on HYS is a 100% guarantee that the poster is an unbearably smug bollock. I challenge anyone to prove me wrong. Methinks you will fail.

I’ve got a raft of entries from this hilarious pig snatch. Although he (male I think) is a racist prick there’s also plenty of tragic comedy to be had in his consistently moronic posts. It all got even funnier when he mentioned that he’s 27 and suddenly my imagination dressed him in a bow-tie and had him listening to the musicals of Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Here’s a first batch, concerning communism.

The UK should be very cautious of its ties with china until they abandon their archaic hold onto Communism (China, that is! Hard to tell who I mean with Labour in power, I know!) and continue to try and acquire Western military technology/data by surreptitious means.

I also will not listen to one more hypocritical word from this shower of a government with regards to “protecting the environment” and “green taxes” while they continue to encourage manufacturing in China.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

I love the idea of those sneaky Chinese peasants (with their bamboo trousers and hats made of rice) trying to sneakily steal all our brilliant technology and data. Any day now they’ll acquire the recipe for gun powder and THEN WHERE WILL WE BE?

But how slender does your grasp of politics and history have to be in order to think our government is communist? I guess it’s possible that he actually has a really solid grasp but has had his head wedged in some railings since 1993 and gets all his news third hand from his mum. She feeds him mashed up banana with a spoon and then tells him stories about the evil red threat and how it’s safest if he stays here, wedged between the bars with mummy, until Elrond has defeated Gordon Brown.

“Mr Brown should be ashamed that he has allowed his position as PM of this country to be used by a ruthless communist regeime.
Mark, Hednesford“

As I have been saying for many years now, the Labour party are merely Communists in disguise.
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

It’s a VERY fucking good disguise.

Is this the beginnings of Cold War 2? Let’s hope so… it’s just the shake-up that Britain needs.

A call to arms will soon sort the wheat from the chaff. Or should I say the willing from the chavs?
Topsy Turvy, England, United Kingdom

What sort of hippo’s cock actually thinks a war would be good way to have a “shake-up”? The sort of startlingly misinformed Young Conservative who thinks the Cold War was actually a war, that’s who. We should round up all these sabre rattling idiots, give them guns and put them on opposite sides of a big field and shout “Go!”. Part of me hopes that they’d kill each other but it seems more likely that they’d hide in a ditch and wet themselves instead (to be fair, this is by far the sanest response and I suspect a great deal of army training is based around overcoming this instinct).

I’ve got loads more from him. Most of these prats post 10 boring racist rants for every comedy gem but this cunt is accidentally hilarious almost every time.