spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Kathryn for pointing out this illuminating – haha – discussion on light pollution.

All the light bulbs in my house have in total 300W. But my electric kettle is taking over 1000W. Maybe somebody will think about that? Microwave kettle? Rather then waste time on such a pointless discussion. We need a lights on the streets as well as in the cars. There is a massive waste of money, but not on the street lights. I think that everybody knows about who and what I am talking about?
LukeLoz

Let me guess: it’s you, and it’s everything that maintains your existence.

Please say I’m right!

Some tedious wank about fake disableds from some pointless whittering arse, who seems to get paid solely for being the most right-wing person in the room at all times. He sets the bar high for wounded, belligerent stupidity, but the bottom half of the internet rises beautifully to the challenge.

MrBishi
Today 07:20 PM

In the 1950s and 60s unemployment was as low as 500,000 and that included the disabled. A remarkably low figure bearing in mind that this was shortly after WW2. Separate disability payments did not come into existence until the mid 1970s.

The obvious conclusion must be that there are a huge number of “fake” disabled claimants or the NHS has suffered a catastrophic failure.

I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy nut but, what if, shortly before the 1950s and 60s, something happened that made an awful lot of building and tidying work necessary, while simultaneously reducing the number of humans by quite a lot? I think we should be told.

Thanks to Claire.

Here’s Richard Dawkins telling everyone why he won’t debate with cunts. Wise words. Call them a cunt and then leave off. You could learn a great deal from this man.

Here’s someone who couldn’t, largely down to the burden of converting oxygen to energy and exhaling carbon dioxide.

So, do you remember that observed phenomenon when people extrapolate their own lives into the lives of the rich, famous, well-educated or hideously busy?

Of course Dawkins is reading this Toyo06.

What do you think he is, an Olympian God?

He wrote the little diatribe, he made his splash and now he wants to see the ripples.
Nainital

Yes. Richard Dawkins has been sat there, at his computer, continually refreshing the page, waiting for your comments. That’s what he does. He just writes articles for national newspapers, and then he goes on the internet to find the article and then he sits there and continuously refreshes the page waiting to see exactly which irrelevant shitmunching tossburger he’s pissed off this time.* And then he has another wank. He does exactly what you do – notwithstanding that you’re the irrelevant shitmunching tossburger in this whole paradigm, of course, and your involvement with any online community is very much the equivalent of a five year old child pissing in the corner of the room.

Has anyone else noticed that ‘Dawkins’ spelt backwards is ‘snik wad’, eh? I think that tells us a lot.
errrrr

Tells us either that you’re just a cunt, or you’re even shit at irony. But probably the cunt thing. It’s usually the cunt thing.

*Notwithstanding this statement, Dawkins has his say here. For God’s sake, please don’t get dragged in, Richard. It’s only a matter of time before you’re sat there at 5am in your underpants arguing on Yahoo News with a man from Texas whose considered opinion is that dinosaurs still exist and now they just all have jobs in government. At the very least, it shows that even the best of us can’t get involved in any part of the internet without exercising our right to reply. And that’s also my excuse.

Thanks to Ged.

Personally, I find it hard to approach the death of someone famous in a tactful way. Some people are more blessed. And others less so.

Its obviously something thats affected everyone deeply. The sheer unexpected nature of this is what is causing such pain. An accident is easier to understand. An illness gives you time to prepare. Even mental illness, whether its depression, bipolar or schizophrenia allows the relatives to steel themselves for this terrible possibility.

Its scant consolation given the apparent mystery surrounding Speed’s death, but all they have is good memories of a well-loved, well respected, honest, decent and admirable man. This will become important as times passes and, hopefully, some explanation emerges.

If he was suffering from depression or a related mental illness, it is a blessing that no one was the wiser considering his drastic action. They would have been powerless to help and would have had to deal with the wrenching pain of watching a loved one go through such horrendous torment.

Speed’s family and friends will be devastated, but they should hold on to what they had, rather than what might have been.
mikeygow

Yeah, it’s much better for his family and friends that he killed himself and they were none the wiser about anything. I’m sure once they’re done grieving they’ll take great solace from the fact that he wasn’t any trouble about it all, and at least they didn’t have to deal with a depressed bloke hanging around the place.

I shared a lift with Gary Speed in Albania in 1995. Although no words passed between us he seemed like a nice chap, although we were both heading for reception so there wasn’t much to say.
roastpudding

Yeah, cheers, mate! Let us know when you’ve not spoken to someone else.

Thanks to Erik.

Who would have thought that a Britney Spears concert would be shit? Well, the Telegraph obviously took time out to review it, as befits its status as a major piece of cultural history and a turning point in 21st century musical…

…no, who am I kidding. I can’t even be ironic about it. It’s all just shit. Not everyone thinks so, though.

You can tell a man wrote this!!

Britney has done an amazing job with her comeback, there’s not many people out there that could’ve done the same!

Lets be fair….. anyone with human emotions would look a little ‘unsure’ of themselves when on stage in front of thousands of people if they were bullied and hounded by the media like Brit is!!

And the reason Rhianna’s gig sold so many……well, personally I think that white people are becoming a minority in this country…..enough said!!!
Jessica Hulme

Yes, it’s the gender of the author that really distinguishes taste. After all, if this had been written by someone with a vagina, you could put your house on a very favourable review. Britney’s struggles with being an alcoholic, dope fiend, terrible parent and remote controlled pop wank are very much something all females can relate to, especially if said females are utter cretins that buy the fucking magazines that pay the photographers and journalists to bully and hound her. But I bet you’re not one of them, are you, Jess?

And enough said about the reasons Rhianna sold so many tickets – it’s all those black people taking over the Great White Britain, stupid! I know Jess didn’t say it as such, but her clumsy attempt at disguising her inherent bitter racism raises interesting philosophical questions. For instance, can you be white and like Rihanna? If the races mustn’t mix, where do we stand on Ricky Martin? Are the chances that you’re a groundlessly snobby piece of racist white trash wallowing in some suburban hole significantly higher if you admire Britney Spears? If a rancid fartbubble with an attitude problem and a false sense of smug superiority mutters racist comments behind the backs of their co-workers and there’s no-one around to hear it, does HR make a sound?

Oh, Jess. I feel like I know you. In the sense that I’ve known many people who make trashy, snide comments behind people’s backs and who feel the internet is some kind of safe refuge, some magical land where they can use their Twitter account to comment on Telegraph articles, without realising that their real name appears on it and they can’t delete it.

erm, I went to the Rihanna gig at the 02. Was mostly white. I’m confused about what you’re implying?
Diva Devotee

She’s implying she’s a massive racist. Or am I inferring that? No, I don’t think it’s an inference when someone’s just done the internet equivalent of nudging you in the ribs ten times with an elbow and an exaggerated wink. Also, I don’t think you’re confused – I think you’re being polite. Just call a spade a spade. Jess does.

I don’t know why but I have a strange relationship with Britney. There is a sweetness and vulnerability that will always make me root for her like I do no one else. I would probably even go and watch her if she decided to come out on a wheel chair and mime to her hits.

The problem I have is that many of the decisions in her life- including being on tour- don’t seem to be her choice. I was horrified to read that she doesn’t even have control over her own money, due to her mental state, but they seem to think it’s okay to trot her out on tour.

All is obviously not well in camp Britney and I actually feel guilty parting with money that may lead to the prolongation of this painful puppet show. However, Britney could make not spending money on her a whole lot easier for me if she stopped releasing albums that are just so damn addictive (ie. everything after, and including the Blackout album) .

Get well soon Brit. I’m rooting for you!
Diva Devotee

Yes, if only she wouldn’t carry on releasing those albums and doing those shows you’ve just said she’s being forced to do. Then you wouldn’t have to go and see them. Not that you have the power of independent choice or anything. No, it’s okay. You just keep knowingly contributing to the downfall of someone you consider sweet and vulnerable, and give us a frank admission that you’d continue to do so way beyond the point of farce. It’s not like it’s a complete tragedy and an indictment on the way we elevate and destroy celebrity status with some kind of bizarre, insect-like mass behaviour. Not when you get to dance around the front room to her CD for 20 minutes on the weekend.

On second thought, I think Jess did confuse you, didn’t she?

Thanks to Nik. Thank you, Nik, for the aneurysm.

Why is it that my ears prick up when I hear a story about the possible extinction of the human race?

It would have landed but word has got around the Universe about speed cameras, parking charges, clampers and road tax. However the little critters that live on it were quite happy about the ability to enter the U.K. without the correct papers !!!
Christopher P

Ah. Yes, that’ll be why. It’ll be because it’s stacked with helmet cheesers of absolutely epic proportions who, astoundingly, would probably go to some lengths to argue exactly how they’re actually quite correct, erudite and amusingly astute, when the reality is that they’re actually just helmet cheesers of even bigger proportions than previously thought. And worse still, not only are they all keen to hand over their shitty, barely thought out opinions, but someone, somewhere, decided that it should all be interactive and we should all have the option of hearing them. Well done, someone, somewhere. You complete cunt.

Slowly, The old man managed to free his trapped leg, He was in what appeared to be a small cave, dust was gently landing on his sore head, a crack of light hit his right eye like a white lazer, he managed to crawl towards the beconing light, Silence was all around, Stifiling was the air, Bruied and battered he approached the #$%$ of light, As his eyes adjusted to the incoming light, It was with a Painful reality he saw utter Desolation, chaos, Destruction,… all was gone, all he had known, gone, What was that noise behind him? another Survivor?…Twisting his body around he Crawled towards the sound,…Whats that, a Face? Yes, I can see a Man’s face, With all his might he moved ever closer to the man at last, at Last Dust ever flowed down onto the old man, not now, surely he won’t die here in this hole,… Closer,…Closer he moved on his elbows toward the man. the man, was a Mirror……I Thank you x
Justice

Oh, fuck off.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: there is no reason for the people commenting on this article to exist. At all. Not just the comments – the actual people. I’m absolutely serious. No sarcasm, irony, no belittling someone’s level of education or the rabid nonsense pouring out of their feebly constructed ego – just to say that if there ever was an acute example of the pointlessness of human existence, it can be found right on that Yahoo webpage. Really, for once in my life I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just Having My Say. Look at these cunts:

Shame it cant be guided towards the middle east
Englishguy1

Well at least let a few bits of that asteroid hit Pakistan — Any Middle-eastern countries
Richardo Stallmanu

Come on asteroid, give us ya best shot! C’mon, right in the mush,…. right there! *points to cheek*,…. Ha! Can’t do it can ya?!! I’ll be long dead when, (if), you do hit in the future. Pity really as I’d quite like to see it happen. Hope it lands right in the middle of the middle east. Do us all a favour.
Chris

Yes. Do us all a favour. There’s three comments, all saying exactly the same nonsensical, ridiculous thing, intended to be funny but which, in reality, just leaves a taste in your mouth like a cat piss hangover. And on each of these insanely bigoted, poorly thought out, grammatically incorrect and badly spelled comments, there’s at least two other people in the world who agreed with the content of the post – at least in principle.

294 people agreed with the following comment, with some people even taking the time out to reply to tell Fred how fucking funny he was:

good job it is moving so fast or our goverment would have put a tax on it
Fred

Yes, Fred. That’s literally hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of joke that gets them rolling about on the floor when they’re watching My Family, misusing words like ‘literally’ and ‘hilarious’. Because the government taxes everything, including trees, rivers, individual blades of grass, dark matter, squirrels, thinking, pubes and especially bits of rock, free floating or otherwise attached to planetary bodies. But not books, children’s clothes or non-luxury food items.

Meanwhile, further down that thread – and for the sake of my own health, that’s the last time I ever go to Yahoo in any form, ever again, probably – there’s people who are arguing the toss with these people. On Yahoo. With these people. On Yahoo.

That’s right. On Yahoo. And now, I charge, these people are guilty of the worst crime of all – enabling. And it is they who shall be first against the wall when I go round to their houses and line them up against a wall. Because, and here’s the final conclusion to the first intentionally unfunny post I’ve ever made here: they encourage them. And you should never encourage insane people in their delusions. Not unless they’ve got a gun against your head.

Don’t reply. Don’t get into the arguments. I know it’s ultimately very tempting to take someone to account on their bare-naked stupidity, lack of reason, outright bigotry or any other negative human quality that people seem to think that the internet was created to let out – but don’t. Just say no. Because you look worse than they do, and you’ll waste your time. Send them to us instead. Or me, seeing as everyone else has died or got real jobs or something. At least until the domain expires because Nelson doesn’t give a shit (and why should he?) I’ll be here… because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making people sound like cunts. Especially myself.

Thanks to Tom and Piers for spotting Professor Emeritus of Yeah, But and Ah-ha, You Didn’t Think Of That, Did You at Fucking Heidelberg, Mike Solomons. He’s just what you need when science raises its ugly head above the parapet: a man ready with a loaded gun full of impenetrable logic ready to shoot it down.

Speed in relation to what? Is the speed of light supposed to be absolute or relative to its immediate surroundings? Remember the test route is travelling in space due to movement of the earth.

Maybe the calculations need to include speed of rotation of the earth, rotation around the sun, and movement of our solar system in space.

Or maybe Einstein’s theories were incomplete.
Mike Solomons

Yes, he forgot to compensate for the Bell-End Effect. That’s where the collective drag on the rest of the universe of someone with half a shit idea slows the speed of light down so much that the observer tries to commit suicide using a drinking straw from a Capri-Sun. It’s demonstrated by measuring Nelson’s Constant – where the IQ can never be more than one – and doing something proper sciency to that until you reach the Massive Fucking Fanny Horizon, where everything you read from self-congratulating helmet cheesers on the internet just becomes one huge, coagulated mess of monkey spunk dribbling down a laptop screen.

Look, here’s the equation:

Solve for X.

On that Whitfield chap. Nestled away amongst people saying they didn’t know who he was, and people who’ve confused Spartacus with reality, was found this:

I shake my head in wonder and sadness at our readiness to sacrifice our beautiful and precious talent on the alter of political correctness that will not allow even the mention of alternative cancer treatments in the public venue, in spite of the overwhelming scientific evidence that some of them work very well.
think

Hollywood has a severe lack of proponents of weird health alternatives, yes. Why don’t you grind up your computer into a poultice, cram a quart of bee stingers up your pooper, cut all your fingers off, drink a bottle of rat piss and fuck off over there on a public awareness campaign? I’m not saying it’ll cure cancer, but it’ll certainly put you out of my gradually expanding misery. Which is probably better than curing cancer, in a lot of respects.*

*The ones that involve me.

Thanks to Lisa. Here’s Clive, from Oxford. You know, where you find punts.

Women of child bearing age are the problem! i.e. from 15 to about 45-50. It’s why they can only work in the public sector and menial/trivial jobs like services and cleaning. Who in their right mind would hire a woman??? The REALITY is work for women is privilege not a right, so in times of great stress, caused by wishful thinking (banks extended all that credit for profit AND to pull the masses up from the gutter, admittedly for future profit), the British people have to compromise and yes, SACRIFICE for their survival. Women just have to take a step back for a while, stop emasculating the wealth creators, and continue to propagate the species! Did they forget what their PRIAMRY role is? I’m sure the feminists are all up in arms, but men didn’t create humans, so it’s not our fault that women have children while we work!
Clive, Oxford, UK

Who would in their right mind would hire a woman? Not Clive, who’s clearly in his right mind, and who has a really firm grasp on the situation. If the situation was his cock, and the really firm grasp was caused by his miserable sense of self-loathing and the tears that flow bitterly from his eyes as he finds himself passed over for opportunities by women who came from the public sector and turned out to be much better at his job than he ever was. And, curiously enough, not grossly offensive people.

But hey, don’t go thinking Clive’s a middle-aged blimp with a gender-based inferiority complex who can’t stop having angry wanks. No. I’m sure that’s not the case of all. It’s just nature. And you can’t blame nature, or Clive for pointing it out, no matter how many times you’ve read The Female Eunuch.

So, ladies – step up to the plate, and take it on the chin. Or in the vagina. Whichever’s easier. And when you’ve saved the country by quitting work and having babies on some kind of production line system, just remember to thank Clive for pointing out nature and shit. You’ll find him in the empty women’s bogs at work, staring at the tampon machine and having an angry wank.

Thank fuck for David Starkey, eh? Here he is, eloquently arguing that he’s not racist by saying, basically, that “some of my best mates are black and look, some coloureds agree with me”. Have a read. You’ll see how deep a man can actually dig a hole.

While you’re reading that finely sifted horseshit – and the lumpy horseshit that makes up the comments section – remember to thank Charlie, who braved it all to find us some people who were decidedly less than eloquent about how they’re not racist and it’s all just cultural. Or genetic. Or both.

I await with interest the public explosion when some scientist shows that there IS a genetic difference in the races. I have taught mathematics for 45 years and in that time I have noticed that Japanese, Chinese, Indian and some white students thrive in abstract concepts -essential in advanced mathematics – but that sub-Saharan Africans find the whole subject a bore. This may be because I am a boring individual but then there might be other reasons.
tony2back

Yes. There might be. It might be because you Tipp-Exed numbers onto everyone’s foreheads because you couldn’t tell them apart otherwise. Incidentally, we’re on the lookout for the gene that makes people overrate their made-up anecdotal evidence. Can you help out? It’ll take five minutes with a sub-Saharan African and a small cup.

I am married to a Chinese woman.

Based on their different genetic make up and cultural background I could tell you a great deal of different characteristics between her and my white Caucasian sister.

The ability to get things down from high shelves without the use of a stool would be the first that springs to mind. My wife’s work ethic which puts everyone else I know to shame being the second.

By the definition of the word any realist is in fact a racist different ethnic make up equals’ different characteristics fact.
sailor25

See, this is why I bother with this shit. It’s to find out things you couldn’t possibly know until some prepackaged fanny puts it on the internet – in this case, I just found out that my wife, who’s been working 60 hour weeks lately and can’t reach the top shelf in the supermarket, is Chinese. You live and learn. Except for sailor25. He lives and becomes a bit stupider every day. It must be all the Chinese food his wife is inevitably good at cooking. Because she’s from China and she’s a woman! See! It’s genetics! And culture!

I’m bored of this now. It might seem a bit premature, given that there’s 2,000 comments on there, but I got utterly sick of reading through debates made up of mindless bollocks spunked out by unmitigated realists, who, by pure chance, are all being realistic about black people.

Oh, alright, one more.

Listen to David Lammy: an archetypical successful black man. If you turned the screen off, so you were listening to him on the radio, you’d think he was white.
David Starkey

Yeah. And if I turned the screen off, so I was listening to you on the radio, I’d still think you were some kind of cuntish pseudo-celebrity trying to increase his exposure by aiming right for where his Daily Mail reading target audience like to be tickled. But if it helps, I’d also think you were white.