spEak You're bRanes

How far would you go to prevent a fuzzy outline of your genitals being one of hundreds seen every day by a bored security worker?

1 The Rapiscan is not an x-ray machine it uses “T” rays
2 No one scientifically or Medically qualified has done a study as to the effect of “T” rays on living human tissue.
3 Should I be refused permission to board my flight I will immediately strip totally naked in the security queue and show the staff and everyone that I am clean and have no impediments to boarding.
4) Having been seen naked and proved my innocence beyond doubt I will sue Manchester Airport and the British government for millions for denying me my absolute right to travel under admiralty law the highest law on the planet..

john marsh

Funnily enough I know John Marsh. I was behind him in the queue at Tesco the other day. Turns out, there’s been no study by anyone scientifically or Medically qualified on the effect of typing in your pin number to the little credit card machine. I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but suffice to say John is about to become a very rich man and it will be a while before I can bring myself to eat sausages again.

Saw an email joke recently, but it made sense. rather than scanning, have each individual traveler step into a giant bomb detonation device. If they don’t blow up, they can properly board. If they do blow up, hey, happy virgin time and we are safe

Richard king

Jesus, Richard, don’t tell us you got a joke that made sense and then keep it from us. You could have used the space where you had your exploding muslim fantasy wank to tell it.

And thanks to Louis for spotting this slightly disappointed pervert:

“but they also afford clear outlines of passengers’ genitals.” What genitals? Some women have breasts, big deal; the rest is on the inside. It’s like looking out the window: there’s nothing to see.

Phil E. Drifter

Phil, take a deep breath. Now look up and look for a green sign saying “EXIT.” Once you go through that door, you will no longer be in a modern art exhibit consisting of mannequins and empty window frames, and the world will make a lot more sense.

Our old friend BC/CB is back on Twitter again. This is as much as I got before I couldn’t be arsed with him clogging up my feed any more and stopped following him. It’s worth a look though. You see, while his fiction is wide-ranging and his HYS posts are limited to specific topics, on twitter, flickr and his own website, he can really get to grips with his true passion – the environment.

Remember 40 degrees.. That is what the temperature will be when you will start to think …Is there somethind awfully wrong?

I’m not sure I’m warm enough to understand what this means.

You can always keep warm, but it is very difficult to keep cool is it not? Do not think for a minute that i am a doom monger rabbiting on.

It’s very illuminating though. Cuger sounds like how climate change sceptics must imagine the rest of us think. It’s like looking in a pig-headed, gullible mirror that keeps wanting to yell at science.

At this point in my personal crusade, I must confess, I just feel, what the heck, get on with it! If it was not for my children I would…

Just let things exponentially evolve and try and survive when most of the population are dying from heat exhaustion..

Yes it is cold, but. Remember those childhood summers of blue skies, white clouds, the seaside..ect..WELL..Forget them!

Mediterranean summers, Mediterranean fruits growing in our English countryside, vineyards galore… Forget them….

Pestilence, disease, immigrants running from desolate equatorial countries, to descend upon us will be the new Garden of Eden.

Don’t believe me? Happy with your hedonistic little lives? You all have a new beginning awaiting..

See, this is really handy. I reckon if we want to win round the fucknut right to this whole “stop making the world warmer before we break it and die in a stinky frozen-methane fireball” thing, we just need to threaten them with a few boatfuls of Africans. Oh yeah, SYB shout-out coming up!

By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one). You sycophantic blog followers!

See you next time!!

Pleasure to know you’re a fan Bruce. I’m guessing you self-googled your way here.

Thanks to Nikki. Martin from Ashford has some novel answers to all a child’s difficult questions.

11. What happens when we die? A The Labour government takes all your money
12. What is a prime number? A Any number the Prime Minister thinks of to lie about the debt
13. Is god real? A No, because if SHE were, Hattie Harman would be a good driver
14. What makes thunder? A Normally Gordon Brown throwing a printer across the office
15. Why do you blink? A Because it’s hard to believe Gordon Brown is still in a job
16. Where do babies come from? A Cheap lager + a free house + benefits = baby
17. How do planes fly in the sky? A Al Qaeda keep asking the same question
18. What is time? A What we do when we’re not flogging our guts out to pay Gordon Brown’s taxes
19. How does Father Christmas get down the chimney? A there’s no such person, just a skinny kid thieving your DVD player
20. Where does water come from? A According to the BBC from global warming.

Martin, Ashford

It looks like the idea is that, instead of actually thinking and giving useful information, you just make up a bunch of incoherent wank based on your own half-baked opinions and the very little you actually know about anything at all. I felt like helping so I’ve done the same with questions one to ten.

1. How is electricity made? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
2. What are black holes? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
3. What is infinity? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
4. Why is the sky blue? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
5. Why do we have a leap year? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
6. How do birds fly? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
7. Why do onions make you cry? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
8. Where does wind come from? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
9. Why is the sea salty? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
10. How big is the world? A Quite big. Martin from Ashford just had a accident.

Do children contribute to climate change? Try and picture Mirembe Brenda, the movie’s speccy, bookish protagonist, poring over a computer screen (if it’s sci-fi) or an ancient leatherbound tome (if it’s horror/fantasy) before explaining this inescapable and terrifying conclusion to the camera:

CHILDREN CONTRIBUTING TO CLIMATIC CHANGES? YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
HIGH BIRTH RATES =HIGH POPULATION
HIGH POPULATION=OVER EXPLOITATION OF EXISTING NATURAL RESOURCES

END RESULT IS NO RAINFALL ,DROUGHT, FAMINE AND FLOODS
YOUR RIGHT, THEY DO CONTRIBUTE TO CLIMATE CHANGES

mirembe brenda, kampala

My God! We’ve got to get to a petting zoo. And fast!

I found Davidethics, the most pompously petulant bumgrape I’ve seen for quite a while. David is quite sure that he is very, very clever.

First off, I’ve collected a few of his “moderation martyr” sign-offs. He not only believes that HYS is important enough that people are trying to censor it to stop the truth getting out but that he, in particular, is one of the brave voices of dissent that they are so desperate to silence. This kind of tinpot mentalism is the essence of all the good comments. Sure, there’s endless stupidity and racism on there, but it’s the ones that really believe HYS is important that make us giggle. This is just the tip of the iceberg:

And I wish I could speak my mind on HYS on this important matter. It is like the 1930s.
So go on. Reject this.

OK. Now reject this.

For goodness sake – you cannot reject this comment.

Dear moderators – ask your bosses if they will allow you to publish this note mentioning the dolphin cull: it is an envrionmental matter.

I guess this comment will not get past the moderators. But I don’t care

Are we allowed to criticise developers on HYS? Maybe just put this comment at the end of the moderation queue eh.

Moderators have no fear I make no comment on religion; your relativism is safe.

I expect David wrote to “Jim’ll Fix It” every fucking week and only a BBC/Soviet plot prevented him from getting to meet Sebastian Coe. And don’t get him started on the national fucking lottery. Stands to reason he should have won by now if it wasn’t rigged.

I came from a poor area but went to a grammar school where the teachers laughed at our working class accents. We were taught how Britain ruled the world and how the empire would last forever, that black children were piccanninies, and that we were heading for a new ice age. We were told that everything to do with America was common and brash, and that science was for boys and literature for girls. I truanted until I was old enough to be expelled. Took A levels part time, got a first and a Phd.
[Davidethics]

You’re probably beginning to get a sense of just how clever he is and I expect you are now keen to see this great public intellectual enter the theatre of HYS debate, illuminating truth and laying waste to myth. A bit like Gandalf at the battle of Helm’s Deep.

I disagree with capital punishment. But taking the cultural relativist position which is dominant in the UK – and here on HYS -the Chinese were absolutely right to execute him, for whatever reason and for whatever standard of proof is relative to their culture.
It is pointless for politicians and the media to complain. If multiculturalism is acceptable then anyone can do what they like -anywhere – with our citizens.
Meanwhile – some of us believe in universal values.But not on BBC forums.
[Davidethics]

Woah David, slow down fella! Multiculturalism? Cultural relativisim? Universal values? This is heady stuff. But you can’t just go chucking all that shit in and expect us all to understand. Perhaps you need to go back a few steps and explain? If we’re to reject this cultural relativism thingy and work towards a set of universal values, at last uniting the planet in justice and peace, how should we go about it?

As the war on terror is likely to continue for many years we should take a long term view. Look into the possible introduction of separate air transport for certain groups of people, as identified by their passports. To save naming any ethnic group let us, for example, have separate air transport for the people of Wonderland whose deity is the Wizard.. They could have wonderland pilots too, and have wonderland insurance rates.And the rest of us would not require such stringnent controls.
[Davidethics]

Gotcha. We need to ban Pakis.

Thanks to Patrick for the only HYS post in history willing to give a tea-leaf the benefit of the doubt:

How is this different to people removing metal plaques from war memorials or lead off church roofs? It may not be sold as a sign, but with metal prices as high as they are it could already be melted down and reused. As a sign it may have sentimental meaning, but it could just be an act of theft, not “a declaration of war” against the Jewish state.

Phil, London, UK

While we’re at it, why are we so sure that Auschwitz was a death camp? Maybe it was just a very poorly-run Butlins with a central heating system that wasn’t CORGI-approved. But you could get away with that before Health And Safety went mad with political correctness.

In the interest of balance, Sarah has found someone who’s perfectly happy to leap to conclusions about the thieves:

Disgusting ,and it seems with all the immigrants being let into Europe from elsewhere, as well as home grown thieves, this is what we can expected now. In the UK our Labour Government is sooooo dumb that they emply ILLEGAL immigrants as security guards. That is how dumb and incompetent the Labour Govt is.

Kia Fosdter

Kia Fosdter is Professor Emeritus of Common Sense at the University of Well It Stands To Reason Doesn’t It I Mean Are You Blind Or What. You can challenge her for tenure but unless you have a PhD in Only Saying What Everyone’s Thinking I wouldn’t rate your chances.

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

Silly HYS moderators, it’s still 9 days until Christmas. Why have you gone and given every bigot with internet access an early present?

Homosexuals should not be executed. But homosexuality should be recognised for what it is – a perversion of natural sexual relations. Instead in our Godless humanistic society it is almost now being given some sort of protected and elevated status.Homosexual marriage is a travesty and an abomination. As is homosexuals in leadership positions in the church. One sign of a decaying society is the legitimising and the widespread practice of homosexuality.One of the major reasons for the fall of Rome

The Rev Oik, Reading

This is a nice little comment, it’s like a Milk Race of all the standard homophobe’s arguments. Particularly nice is the way “protected and elevated” actually means “equal to everyone else.”

I believe if you asked most “straight” men they would tell you they find homosexual acts abhorrent but you would find few that would advocated executing homosexuals.

We did have legislation in this country but it was removed by parliament.

However I do think it is too much ” in your face” these days ,ably assisted by the BBC – you just have to look at some of their presenters.But I suppose diversity brownie points are the route to promotion

[prettygrumpy]

And that’s the problem with equality, isn’t it. Someone will always game the system. If you can’t take the Konnie Huq route of blacking up with Bisto, and you find wheelchairs too uncomfortable, you can always just chug down a cock or two and sail your way into BBC management.

The basic act of homosexuality may be abhorent to some, but apparently it is not this one act the constitutes homosexuality, as practioners would have you believe it is a cultural/lifestyle thing that is totally in keeping with the 21st century. It is though based solely on this one act, and doesn’t merit “rights”.
The death penalty – no. Just pay more taxes than hetros.

The Big Fish, Stockport, United Kingdom

Great idea there, The Big Fish, but what happens when they get sick of taxation without representation and refuse to pay the tariff? It starts with the Boston Bumsex Party, then they’ll have a revolutionary war, then before you know it they’ve gained independence and they’re the major economic superpower on the planet. With fabulous hair to boot.

On ultra-eccentric Haredi Jews’ guidelines for kosher music.

It’s good to know that fundamentalist rock-and-roll alarmism isn’t just an American phenomenon.

Justin Anthony Knapp, Indianapolis, USA

Admit it though Justin. It’s still not as surprising as when you found out about there being other countries.

Once upon a time, there was a group of people determined to control what the people could or could not read, watch and hear. Anything that did not fit with their view of ‘decent’, ‘upstanding’ and ‘respectable’, was banned, leading to large-scale book-burnings. That group of people later went on to ban and burn more than books. “Where they burn books, they will ultimately also burn people.” – Heinrich Heine

Jamie Jones, Linz, Austria

Ooooooh I know this one. Is it the Khmer Rouge?

Incidentally I rang Heinrich Heine up and asked him to write a humorous poem about you. Unfortunately he couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with “verdepperte Geißfut”.

I noticed recently that Atom John is back, gamely sharing his bright beige opinions about everything, ever.

There are so many days and weeks dedicated to different people and causes that they have all become meaningless.

Except for Christmas and Easter.
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

Just in case it showed up in the Lord’s RSS feed.

I’ve missed John. It’s his kind of idiotic, everynob pronouncements that make HYS entertaining. I always imagine him looking all goggly-eyed and enthusiastically deranged, like this:

Here he is in the Berlin Wall thread, apparently auditioning for a job presenting the next obsequious BBC history documentary.

The Destruction of the Iron Curtain was just another step in Germany’s march to win, by peace, that which it could not win by warfare.
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

Nice try, but you’re up against that nauseating, slimy bumgrape Andrew Marr . He’d dress up in a bunny-girl outfit and do a 12 month stint as the House of Commons resident human bidet if he thought it would get him a couple of millimetres closer to the honours list.

Nuclear power?

Um – Where else would our energy come from?

I would prefer that every newborn be given a personal, nuclear-energy-pack which would provide power to heat feed and transport a person for the whole of his life.

The day is coming!
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

It’s either that or wireless laser-hats.