spEak You’re bRanes

On Zimbabwe’s “election”.

Rural areas in Africa as much in Europe and Asia represent the less socialy and democratelly matured people and therefore are the one that may cast theyr vote under emotional/revolutionally feeling which minimise any possibility of unbiased critical analysis for the nation’s needs.
Giuseppe Bonaccorsi, Pretoria, South Africa

Yeah. Stupid thickie farmers with their big fat hands and tiny piggy eyes.

This comment was posted on the Sky News site in response to Kay Burley’s mildly controversial interview with Steve Wright’s wife.

While his lack of sex in the bedroom is no excuse whatsoever for killing 5 prostitutes, I cannot help but bring out the fact to be considered here - the high age gap between couples, particularly if the older one happens to be the female. In Steve’s case, his partner is 60years old, 11 years older than him. Can anyone show me a 60 year old pensioner that still wants sex? She will be medically dry. Even my wife at 42 years old do not want sex anymore! So for such a man with such a high sex drive, what chance has he got with a 60year old, who will probably not be sexually active? Hence, I think there needs to be some sort of govt regulations into age gaps in marriages, in other to prevent such incidences occurring where the younger partner, with a higher sex drive will have to resolve to either prostitutes or affairs for sex. That said, lack of sex should not make a man a killer, so if he has indeed killed all those 5 women, keep him in and throw away the keys!!!
Jude Fellows from Chelsea

Very balanced and not at all mental. I’m worried that extrapolating from “doesn’t want to have sex with me” to “doesn’t want to have sex at all” may not be statistically valid. Ideally, you need to ask your missus if there’s anyone she would hump. Try starting with Johnny Depp. Also, I strongly advise that you have a wank. Immediately.

Thanks to Henry for these from some old debate about religion (he sent them over two months ago, I’m slack). They’re all by someone called “Penny” who feels compelled to respond to everything. There were loads more. I picked a few.

“Richard, most christians I meet here in Houston know precious little about their religion.”

Again, being on the outside and trying to look inside always reveals ones blind spots does it not ?
Penny, USA

Indeed. Getting a sense of perspective and considering things from other viewpoints is a well known pastime of the incurious and deluded.

What annoys me most is the indoctrination of children into religion. If your faith is so strong, let them grow up and decide for themselves. Seems to me that any intelligent, benevolent God, wouldn’t object to that, would it?
[BloodBubble]

And so, you would prefer that they be indoctrinated into your religion instead ?
Penny, USA

Penny can’t imagine someone without a religion. This helps her avoid blind spots.

Did God invent man or did man invent God? - BBC
Neither ! God created man from nothing. Invent implies you have material to start with. Man cannot invent something that already is and God is Spirit. OTOH, man can worship false gods and God calls it idolatry. To say science explains the world better than religion is a form of false worship. Religion can also be atheism. The Bible explains man to those who seek God and supernaturally reveals God.
Penny, USA

I asked God and he said that, not only is it ok to be atheist but that he thinks you’re an idiot. Really. He said “Frankly I’d be happier if Penny went Hindu or something. Dizzy bint”. Then he showed me his new car stereo. Man it was serious. We listened to “T-Connection”. Disco.

About that thing that squeaks at teenagers. Thanks to Gary.

Liberty once again takes to the stage for their regular display of moral dressage. These fantasists make deliberate choices to promote the rights of a smaller group to infringe on the rights of a far larger. I accept that the the privations meeted out to kids who enjoy standing outside a kebab shop annoying people in their eyes at least is far greater than the small scale privation suffered by the rest of walking past them but in aggregate the greater good is wilfully ignored by Liberty.
Gerry, London

Everybody’s got a novel in them somewhere. Except Gerry.

I heard some woman on Radio 4 doing a piece about this. She wandered into some shop that had one of these high-pitched “anti-teen devices” outside and asked the chap in there “What about the kids’ human rights?” (obviously trying to get a nice sound bite, she might as well have asked “Do you give hand-jobs to paedos?”). The chap said something like “Oh tush! Human rights!”, but a bit more working class and without any consonants. It got me wondering, are the “anti human-rights brigade” ignorant or just monumentally selfish? After all, these are the first people to complain when their conveniences are slightly infringed, let alone their rights. I concluded that they’re just everyday selfish humans. It’s just that their horizons are so narrow they can’t see the danger of denying the rights of others whilst trying to hang on to their own. Like dogs sat under the table, aware of the gluttonous feast above but waiting, patient and obedient, for a dropped chicken bone over which they can fight to the death. Bat twats.

See? I’m back with a vengeance. Comedy gold to brighten up your day.

There have been quite a few comments from this site that are worthy of being posted, including a few of mine. So far I’ve resisted the urge, in case I actually vanish up my own arse.

I finally decided to include one (from here), mainly because I’ve been wondering for a while now when this particular sort of twat was going to turn up.

With major Western countries in the grip of a rich, powerful Jewish elite, it is hardly surprising Muslims throughout the world seek to show their teeth. The US, and to a certain extent Britain is disproportionately influenced by a small Jewish segment, intent on fighting their war against Islam through the secular sphere of Western foreign policy. With half the US cabinet comprising four-by-twos and the bulk of the banking and finance industry run by them, is it any wonder we’re propelled towards so much conflict.

Ask yourself one question: how many Muslims in positions of influence or power in the west can I think of?
Dick Head

You people are the fucking worst. Seriously. You pulled your heads out your asses just long enough to work out that the entire media is lying to you, all the time, then you immediately inserted it straight up the ass of the next person you heard saying something vaguely controversial. This is pretty much exactly how people end up in the fucking BNP. If you think perhaps that you can open our eyes by telling us something about Jewish bankers, lizard men, building 7, black flag ops, the Bilderberg group, David cocking Icke, the Da Vinci fucking code or Bert and fucking Ernie then you should tuck your stupid fucking beard back into your shitty subversive t-shirt and fuck right off. RIGHT OFF.

The main reason I hate you so much is because you’re a bit like me. Remember though, I’M BETTER.

Peter Sym is a regular twat. As I’ve said before, he’s particularly hilarious because he seems to imagine himself as some sort of “voice of reason”. He quite obviously knows bob-all about anything but is convinced he’s an expert on everything (including war, breastfeeding, cocaine, war, music, climate change, war, the military and war). His world view sounds like it’s based entirely on watching Sky News. Funny to read but I suspect that 5 minutes in his smug and misinformed company would be absolutely fucking unbearable.

There’s a sergeant with the Royal Armoured corp in Basra at the moment who had both legs blown off after stepping on a mine in Bosnia…. he had plastic legs fitted and demanded to be returned to duty. Douglas Bader was one of the most succesful pilots of the battle of Britain with two tin legs.

A hell of a lot of the 2.7M ’sick’ should hang their heads in shame. One eye, one ear and one hand is all you need to work in a call centre.
[Peter_Sym], Nottingham

Good point. We should also get all them Parkinsons lot working in cocktail bars where all you need is one or two shaky hands.

There is no contradiction between being fit and having a good figure, on the contrary, fitness produces firmness!
Martin Smith, London

Is firmness good? Paula Radcliffe is one of the fittest (and firmest) women on Earth, but she’s got no curves at all.
[Peter_Sym], Nottingham

See? He’s SUCH a twat. “one of the fittest (and firmest) women on Earth” - Genius.

[... ]Which would be a valid argument if Iraq was the justification for these attacks. It wasn’t. The group issued a statement saying it was vengance for Spanish actions against Moorish Grenada in the 13th century. In effect punishing Spain for invading Spain.

THAT is the mentality of these people. Vengance 700 years after the event.
[Peter_Sym], Nottingham

Bless.

I just issued a statement claiming responsibility for the floods this summer. It was part of my campaign to bring back “Pacers”, my favourite chewy mint of the 80s.

Thanks to Martin (I think).

The government have not said which type of power they are going to use, will it be the dirty fission reactors or the cleaner, more expensive fusion reactors.
hugh pomells, london

Good point. I sometimes wonder why they’re bothering with nuclear power at all, given all the cheap and clean alternatives! I saw a documentary the other day where they were using some kind of “energy cell” that was powerful enough to run the hyperdrive on an X302 class starfighter!

Thanks to Foz for this one. It’s from months ago and I forgot to post it. I’m not sure what debate it was from. Probably the “Can You Imagine Another Person Who Isn’t You?” debate. PJ couldn’t imagine another person.

Oh, come on! There are a lot of things that use the left side more than the right, and right handers don’t ask for them to be changed! I am right handed, but can write left handed, and I am certain that if I practised I could write left handed almost as well. The fact is that some tools (including writing) can be done easier with the right hand than the left, - so USE the right hand! After all, playing the piano uses both hands equally, as does playing the guitar. When playing stringed instruments that use a bow, the left hand does MORE work! I never heard of a right handed cellist insisting that it had been designed for a left hander! I sometimes think the old fashioned way of insisting that we all learn to write with the right hand is the right way, given that writing is designed that way. However, if a child insists on using the left hand, let them do that, but at least give them an incentive to try writing right handed first! It’s all about co-ordination, or are some left handers incapable of this?
PJ, W. Yorks, UK

Who ever heard of left-handed guitars or cellos????? SERIOUSLY?? WHO EVER HEARD OF SOMETHING SO UTTERLY MENTAL??!!?111 I’ve properly cracked a brain-valve just thinking about it. There’s something warm sliding down my trouser leg into my sock… I reckon the sheer effort of concentration has caused my little chap to become detached again.

If you ask me, the economy is going to slowly cripple unless we make vast, strategic and long-term improvements to our road network.
Johnny, Hampshire

Strategic eh? Good idea. Might have to use that one myself. I say old chap, this might seem a little forward but would you consider taking on the job of Minister for Brumbrums?

Hello

Marriage is the biblical way forward, and I think David Camerons new tax system, of encouraging marriage, is a good one.
However, I can understand why people do live together before marriage, as long as they keep the intercourse part of sex out until married, as again that is the Biblical way to be.

I come from a Christian family, where both parents, are so obviously still in love, we had a strong Christian upbringing, and excellent support to this day.

My parents are always there for me, and vise versa.

Homesexuallity is Biblically wrong, God said this for a reason, to protect mankind, this was done for protection purposes.

Miriam

Miriam Potter, Reading

It’s nice to see people resisting their biological urges and keeping themselves pure and innocent until their wedding day. That sort of thing gives God a boner. In fact, I think it’s in Exodus that the Lord says “But a man and a woman shall not lie with each other out of wedlock unless the man works his cock slowly in and out of her butt or unless the woman doth gobble his manhood in her mouth. For I decree that these acts are technically not actual proper sex. It may sound like a bit of a stupid distinction but, believe you me, if you’ve been abstaining since you hit puberty, you’re going to be grateful for the chance to do pretty much anything, even if you end up with a sore arse”.