spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Kathryn for pointing out this illuminating – haha – discussion on light pollution.

All the light bulbs in my house have in total 300W. But my electric kettle is taking over 1000W. Maybe somebody will think about that? Microwave kettle? Rather then waste time on such a pointless discussion. We need a lights on the streets as well as in the cars. There is a massive waste of money, but not on the street lights. I think that everybody knows about who and what I am talking about?
LukeLoz

Let me guess: it’s you, and it’s everything that maintains your existence.

Please say I’m right!

Thanks to Beth.

Here’s a horrible indictment on the state of the NHS, colourfully illustrated by a woman giving birth in the middle of a hospital waiting room in full public view.

The response from readers of the Standard? She’s fahckin’ brahn, intshe.

cost of one baby approx 20K, so she has cost 120K just in babies. I am not even going to mention the housing benefit she will get with 6 kids.
No sympathy from me, I am afraid.
Mike, London

No, no sympathy from Mike. Just a vapid assumption that the brown woman is on benefits. Had to undergo a humiliating experience in front of strangers and are one in a long line of examples of grossly inadequate services at a major London hospital? Fuck you! You don’t deserve sympathy. Have some scorn instead: hot British scorn. See, she’s fucking smiling in that photo – no sympathy! No wonder she’s smiling, living the easy life with those six kids on all that housing benefit it’s safe to assume she’s getting because she’s brown. And because, apparently, you get housing benefit for having kids.

I can’t really feel sorry. Ilford via where? Sixth child at my expense? I’m rather glad she didn’t get a bed. Perhaps if she goes home she might get a better deal.
Vomit inducing, London

Yes, we’ll be sending bailiffs around for your car and flat screen TV later so we can flog them on eBay to pay for her treatment. And then we’ll be moving two of her kids into your spare room. And you have to pay for them and look after them. But you can’t show them any love and they won’t show you any respect. Big Society thing. We’re doing direct democracy, but we’re trying the direct taxation thing first.

Max Clifford will be on the case with Cheri Blair chasing a buck on the human rights front…..Back home she would have been left in a mud hut to fend for herself thank your lucky stars your in the UK milking the system.
avalidopinion, London.Uk

Yes, wherever “back home” is, you can safely assume it’s unreasonably savage and uncivilised and people live in mud huts. Because it’s fairly obvious that unless it’s Spain (wonderfully decorated but sparsely furnished terracotta block housing), Italy (waterlogged but wonderfully decorated and sparsely furnished canalside block housing), Greece (wonderfully decorated but sparsely furnished villas in olive groves), or Egypt (they have hotels, apparently, I know a guy who went there on holiday, said it was hot, but nice, but there were a lot of annoying locals touting for business, haven’t been there myself, but it seems about right) then if it’s hot and people wear things on their heads, and they’re not royalty or something, they must live in some kind of mud hut. Why, even their hospitals will be made of mud or something! Stands to reason! It’s not racism. It’s common sense, and it’s a valid opinion.

Tip: if you have to state that you think your opinion is valid, then it’s probably a shit opinion, and you’re a giant fucknugget.

In the interests of balance how about a reporter from the Standard doing a background check on this story and finding out if this woman has the financial means to support such a large family, does she or her husband work? If not, just how much money does her family attract from the state? Also, keep an eye on the hospital and see if they do make a payout of tax payer’s money.
Pete, Northumberland/Iraq

Yes, that’s balance. I’m glad you’re familiar with the principles of balance, proportion and fairness and how they’re relevant to journalism today. For instance, it’s entirely fair and in the spirit of balanced journalism that if these people are actually on benefits, or if they receive any form of subsidy for the state at all – or even if there’s the merest non-race based suspicion that they do – then someone should violate their basic right to privacy and delve right into their finances just to be sure. Because if we didn’t know where they got their money from, then how exactly would we know if it was fair that she had to give birth in full view of complete strangers in the middle of a hospital waiting room?

Tell you what, in the interest of balance, while we’re using the Standard’s journalists to investigate this woman’s finances, let’s subject Pete to daily public colonoscopies without anaesthetic or lubrication. I have no real reason for suggesting this, except that I think Pete might have a better idea of what public humiliation and unnecessary invasion of privacy might feel like if we ram a 15ft tube up his arse in public every day for a week, and he might end up thinking twice before he suggests something painful, humiliating and invasive so he can get closure. Which, incidentally, is something his arsehole won’t be getting for a while if we go through with my plan.

How it can be ‘racist’ to describe the overwhelming of the NHS; the education system; the benefits’ system; and every aspect that is free at point of delivery, defeats me. The combined idiocy of the awful Blair-Brown Terror and their ludicrous open door policy has reduced this country to a shambles and practically ungovernable. France has a much better health service but their benefits are not in the same league as ours, so everyone flocks to Britain.

The person from Dundee ought to spend some time here in London. She clearly lives in a parallel universe.
David Llewelyn Davies, London, a Region of the European Soviet Union

You’re right David. It’s not racist to describe all of those things. It’s just racist when you say things like “back home she would have been left in a mud hut to fend for herself” and “Ilford via where?” and “perhaps if she goes home she might get a better deal”. Oh, and mentioning all those things and then saying something about a “ludicrous open door policy” and relating it all to immigration, and blaming people of a different colour. That’s racist – in fact, the blue riband of being a racist twat. It’s like a more nuanced, “I’m not racist, but…”

Just for fun, here’s another one about the same hospital, this time involving someone brown who died, but who has a husband with a better standard of English than most commenters. Can you spot the blame game in the comments?

That’s right… it’s the forrins we got for nurses. Merry Christmas. Seriously, have a good one.

Thanks to Erik.

Who would have thought that a Britney Spears concert would be shit? Well, the Telegraph obviously took time out to review it, as befits its status as a major piece of cultural history and a turning point in 21st century musical…

…no, who am I kidding. I can’t even be ironic about it. It’s all just shit. Not everyone thinks so, though.

You can tell a man wrote this!!

Britney has done an amazing job with her comeback, there’s not many people out there that could’ve done the same!

Lets be fair….. anyone with human emotions would look a little ‘unsure’ of themselves when on stage in front of thousands of people if they were bullied and hounded by the media like Brit is!!

And the reason Rhianna’s gig sold so many……well, personally I think that white people are becoming a minority in this country…..enough said!!!
Jessica Hulme

Yes, it’s the gender of the author that really distinguishes taste. After all, if this had been written by someone with a vagina, you could put your house on a very favourable review. Britney’s struggles with being an alcoholic, dope fiend, terrible parent and remote controlled pop wank are very much something all females can relate to, especially if said females are utter cretins that buy the fucking magazines that pay the photographers and journalists to bully and hound her. But I bet you’re not one of them, are you, Jess?

And enough said about the reasons Rhianna sold so many tickets – it’s all those black people taking over the Great White Britain, stupid! I know Jess didn’t say it as such, but her clumsy attempt at disguising her inherent bitter racism raises interesting philosophical questions. For instance, can you be white and like Rihanna? If the races mustn’t mix, where do we stand on Ricky Martin? Are the chances that you’re a groundlessly snobby piece of racist white trash wallowing in some suburban hole significantly higher if you admire Britney Spears? If a rancid fartbubble with an attitude problem and a false sense of smug superiority mutters racist comments behind the backs of their co-workers and there’s no-one around to hear it, does HR make a sound?

Oh, Jess. I feel like I know you. In the sense that I’ve known many people who make trashy, snide comments behind people’s backs and who feel the internet is some kind of safe refuge, some magical land where they can use their Twitter account to comment on Telegraph articles, without realising that their real name appears on it and they can’t delete it.

erm, I went to the Rihanna gig at the 02. Was mostly white. I’m confused about what you’re implying?
Diva Devotee

She’s implying she’s a massive racist. Or am I inferring that? No, I don’t think it’s an inference when someone’s just done the internet equivalent of nudging you in the ribs ten times with an elbow and an exaggerated wink. Also, I don’t think you’re confused – I think you’re being polite. Just call a spade a spade. Jess does.

I don’t know why but I have a strange relationship with Britney. There is a sweetness and vulnerability that will always make me root for her like I do no one else. I would probably even go and watch her if she decided to come out on a wheel chair and mime to her hits.

The problem I have is that many of the decisions in her life- including being on tour- don’t seem to be her choice. I was horrified to read that she doesn’t even have control over her own money, due to her mental state, but they seem to think it’s okay to trot her out on tour.

All is obviously not well in camp Britney and I actually feel guilty parting with money that may lead to the prolongation of this painful puppet show. However, Britney could make not spending money on her a whole lot easier for me if she stopped releasing albums that are just so damn addictive (ie. everything after, and including the Blackout album) .

Get well soon Brit. I’m rooting for you!
Diva Devotee

Yes, if only she wouldn’t carry on releasing those albums and doing those shows you’ve just said she’s being forced to do. Then you wouldn’t have to go and see them. Not that you have the power of independent choice or anything. No, it’s okay. You just keep knowingly contributing to the downfall of someone you consider sweet and vulnerable, and give us a frank admission that you’d continue to do so way beyond the point of farce. It’s not like it’s a complete tragedy and an indictment on the way we elevate and destroy celebrity status with some kind of bizarre, insect-like mass behaviour. Not when you get to dance around the front room to her CD for 20 minutes on the weekend.

On second thought, I think Jess did confuse you, didn’t she?

Thanks to Tom and Piers for spotting Professor Emeritus of Yeah, But and Ah-ha, You Didn’t Think Of That, Did You at Fucking Heidelberg, Mike Solomons. He’s just what you need when science raises its ugly head above the parapet: a man ready with a loaded gun full of impenetrable logic ready to shoot it down.

Speed in relation to what? Is the speed of light supposed to be absolute or relative to its immediate surroundings? Remember the test route is travelling in space due to movement of the earth.

Maybe the calculations need to include speed of rotation of the earth, rotation around the sun, and movement of our solar system in space.

Or maybe Einstein’s theories were incomplete.
Mike Solomons

Yes, he forgot to compensate for the Bell-End Effect. That’s where the collective drag on the rest of the universe of someone with half a shit idea slows the speed of light down so much that the observer tries to commit suicide using a drinking straw from a Capri-Sun. It’s demonstrated by measuring Nelson’s Constant – where the IQ can never be more than one – and doing something proper sciency to that until you reach the Massive Fucking Fanny Horizon, where everything you read from self-congratulating helmet cheesers on the internet just becomes one huge, coagulated mess of monkey spunk dribbling down a laptop screen.

Look, here’s the equation:

Solve for X.

Thank fuck for David Starkey, eh? Here he is, eloquently arguing that he’s not racist by saying, basically, that “some of my best mates are black and look, some coloureds agree with me”. Have a read. You’ll see how deep a man can actually dig a hole.

While you’re reading that finely sifted horseshit – and the lumpy horseshit that makes up the comments section – remember to thank Charlie, who braved it all to find us some people who were decidedly less than eloquent about how they’re not racist and it’s all just cultural. Or genetic. Or both.

I await with interest the public explosion when some scientist shows that there IS a genetic difference in the races. I have taught mathematics for 45 years and in that time I have noticed that Japanese, Chinese, Indian and some white students thrive in abstract concepts -essential in advanced mathematics – but that sub-Saharan Africans find the whole subject a bore. This may be because I am a boring individual but then there might be other reasons.
tony2back

Yes. There might be. It might be because you Tipp-Exed numbers onto everyone’s foreheads because you couldn’t tell them apart otherwise. Incidentally, we’re on the lookout for the gene that makes people overrate their made-up anecdotal evidence. Can you help out? It’ll take five minutes with a sub-Saharan African and a small cup.

I am married to a Chinese woman.

Based on their different genetic make up and cultural background I could tell you a great deal of different characteristics between her and my white Caucasian sister.

The ability to get things down from high shelves without the use of a stool would be the first that springs to mind. My wife’s work ethic which puts everyone else I know to shame being the second.

By the definition of the word any realist is in fact a racist different ethnic make up equals’ different characteristics fact.
sailor25

See, this is why I bother with this shit. It’s to find out things you couldn’t possibly know until some prepackaged fanny puts it on the internet – in this case, I just found out that my wife, who’s been working 60 hour weeks lately and can’t reach the top shelf in the supermarket, is Chinese. You live and learn. Except for sailor25. He lives and becomes a bit stupider every day. It must be all the Chinese food his wife is inevitably good at cooking. Because she’s from China and she’s a woman! See! It’s genetics! And culture!

I’m bored of this now. It might seem a bit premature, given that there’s 2,000 comments on there, but I got utterly sick of reading through debates made up of mindless bollocks spunked out by unmitigated realists, who, by pure chance, are all being realistic about black people.

Oh, alright, one more.

Listen to David Lammy: an archetypical successful black man. If you turned the screen off, so you were listening to him on the radio, you’d think he was white.
David Starkey

Yeah. And if I turned the screen off, so I was listening to you on the radio, I’d still think you were some kind of cuntish pseudo-celebrity trying to increase his exposure by aiming right for where his Daily Mail reading target audience like to be tickled. But if it helps, I’d also think you were white.

Here’s a parrot that can speak Urdu. And here’s a bell-end who thinks the parrot has learned English.

So a Parrot can learn Urdu as well as English while a bloke in Pakistan gets his wife to sue the British Government because HE refuses to learn English, and unless he does we won’t let him migrate here. It sort of puts things in perspective dosn’t it!
Marshian, Romney Marsh

Yep, sure does. For instance, I’m a long way away from you right now, but even from here I can tell that your brain is very, very small. Incidentally, the parrot can also bark like a dog, so you can expect him to start making comments on the Daily Mail website any day now.

are you crackers? it’s a PARROT!
rosy bertram, essex

That was quick! Also, hilarious.

Thanks to Luke for dredging this shit up from an HYS debate about the merits of university.

Is a university degree necessary?

Er… try asking a coherent question if you want a sensible answer.

A university degree is not necessary in the same way as air, food and water are. You can live a happy and fulfilled life without a university degree, you won’t survive five minutes without air to breathe.

If you want to be a medical doctor, a university degree is necessary for you to attain your ambition. (Note for aspiring medics: you also need air to breathe!)

If you want to learn how to learn and how to think, to explore a subject of interest to its fullest extent… well, you can acquire these skills elsewhere, but a university degree is a good way to set your feet on the right track. Oh, and you still need air to breathe.

Define ‘necessary’ and you might be able to answer your question for yourself. Trouble is, I learned how to craft such debate by, er, going to university. Oh, and I still need air to breathe too!
Megan

BA (Hons) in Smug Pedantry, right? I did the same course, which is why I feel qualified to craft this equally smug response: the actual, entirely reasonable question was, ‘is a university degree necessary for success in later life?’

I’ll give you a 48-hour extension to resubmit your answer. Any later and you’ll be forced to wear one of those striped beanies with the little propeller on top for the rest of your life. People will laugh openly as you walk by and small children will follow you around for hours at a time, poking you with sticks, but at least it’ll draw attention from the long, silvery thread of drool perpetually dangling from your chin.

On the scale of trying to find excuses not to do stuff (I’ve yet to find a name for it because I can’t find the time to sit down and think about it) HYS reaches its very zenith when they discuss free milk for the under fives.

Let us be realistic here. The issue of milk is to children under the age of 5. Have you ever given a drink to a child that age? Unless totaly supervised, the child is more likely spill it or simply leave it. Its far better to give milk to children at home and under proper supervision.
mildenhalljohn

Well, you got me. Can’t fault that argument.

Really, I can’t. It’s so fucking stupid I can’t think of anything to say in response.

I’d like to thank Tim for sending us this. On the face of things, it’s all about Aborginal kids starving to death in rural Australia. But in reality, it’s all about Collin Brown. And may I say – wow. I mean, wow.

It’s almost admirable how racist Collin has managed to become. Here’s a man approaching critical mass – in the Large Hadron Collider of race relations, Collin is one man who’s been bombarded with too many Muslons, and at some point probably copped an Africon to the temple. When I read his anal dribble, I feel like I’m watching White Beauty escape majestically across the fields, shouting racial epithets and “It’s science! It’s for their own good!” as he goes. And then, just as I’m about to put the cunt out of my misery, I feel Nelson’s hand on my arm…

“No, Dizzy. Let this one go.”

I derive no satisfaction in pointing out using empirically derived data that proves beyond doubt, that Sub Saharan Africans (black people) have a very low IQs compared to many. But being aware of this data, accepting this data as factual, is at least a starting point to properly helping Africans. If we continue to pretend that we are all equally smart, Africans will not receive the help they truly need.

If my forthrightness makes me a race-hating-bigot in the eyes of liberals, so bit it – it is a price I’m willing to pay, to make a real change.
Collin Brown

Oh. I see. Yeah, very, er, ‘forthright’. I could see how people could easily confuse that with racism, but on closer inspection, it’s not racist – Collin doesn’t hate Africans. He just pities them with science and shit. After reading Collin’s posts, I’m starting to see the benefits of keeping them doing manual labour and breeding them. If only someone had thought of this a few hundred years ago. They could have built a country.

Collin doesn’t feel good about this absolutely true and empirically derived situation – on the contrary, the burden of this knowledge weighs heavily on his shoulders. The way he bears this cross is practically heroic. Clearly, this man is a fucking saint. Benevolent pity is the only realistic way forward. Feeling sorry for the poor bastards who had the misfortune to be born closer to animals than to God’s glorious shade of pristine-white-or-maybe-slightly-pink-depending-on-the-season is a much better approach than anything we’ve tried so far. Most importantly, it’s not hatred. No – that would be racist! After all, you don’t hate horses for being horses, do you? That’d be silly! Also, horsist.

Being born in a stable, doesn’t make one a horse.

British Muslims, – can there really be, such a thing? Maybe in a civic sense – but a Muslim is a Muslim and no amount of political correctness will change their DNA into British DNA.

If 10’000 Muslims moved into a corner of a British city they, (as a policy among Muslims) will only spend their money within their community – a system known as (Black Money) They will shop at major supermarkets but they wont spend money with British tradesmen and small retailers.

As a result, long-established British business dry-up owing to a severe drop-off in trade which of course leads to: job losses.

Jewish people? Hmm, OK. You did ask, so here goes.

Atheistic Jews (non-religious-Jews), lack many Semitic features that characterise a Jewish person. Semitic Jews are not the Jews, that people constantly criticise. Atheistic ‘Jews’ – such as Peter Mandelson, look ordinary – void of a Semitic (orthodox, Palestinian-look). It is these (select) ‘Jews’, who insist on countries having anti-Semitic laws (not to protect Semite Jews, but to stem criticism of their business practices from coming under scrutiny). Atheistic ‘Jews’ claim to be a people – not a race – a statement which in part, is true. However, this claim does not hold up because Atheistic (internationalist, high-flying ‘Jews’, are essentially European ‘Jews’ -(Bolsheviks) – the architects of communism – void of many Semitic features.

Atheistic ‘Jews’, (in the strictest sense), are not really Jews at all. A portion of them make up part of the international elite who influence and control politicians around the world. The ‘Jews’ who do this, are universally disliked not for what they are, but for what they do.

Orthodox Jews – on the other hand – Semites are a peace-loving race who believe in keeping themselves to themselves. Off course there are many, Semitic descendants in this world with Jewish names, who have no aspirations to impoverish the lives of ordinary people for self-gain.
Collin Brown

Oh, man. I don’t mind telling you that after reading all those facts, I have a tingly feeling going on in the crotch area. It’s brilliant – the scent of a rose that blooms once every thousand years. You just don’t get this quality of racism nowadays. The study of the Jew! British DNA! That kind of stuff extends my phenotype, if you know what I mean. I start picturing beautiful, pristine white British DNA being attacked by some kind of multicultural radiation. Koranium or Judaenium or something. And the only thing that stops it is a suit lined with… oh, I don’t know, Griffonium? Yeah, Griffonium.

But if you thought Collin was just about disjointed race-based thinking, then you thought wrong. He’s also all about the curse of Gay. And again, Collin doesn’t resort to base emotions like hatred – the recourse of liberals and Marxists everywhere. No, he uses reason, and his objections are not raised to stop you from having equality – heaven forbid – but to save you from a major social faux pas…

For heterosexual married-couples departing a hotel after a 7-day stay, it is quite common for either party to announce one, of the two, exit phrases:

(1). My husband and I, would like to checkout – please.
(2). My wife and I would like to checkout – please.

How, I ask, will same-sex ‘married’ couples phrase their exit announcements, not to mention introductions. Imagine, (as a newly ‘married’ SSC) attending a cocktail party (for business reasons) as a man having to introduce everyone to your new husband – or for that matter, as a female, having to introduce everyone to your new wife?

Is this really, what same-sex couples want? As a SSMC, will both of you – (emotionally-speaking), be able to live up to your new-found status or, will you revert to ‘reticent-mode’ when straight-couples look upon you in a somewhat quizzical fashion?
Collin Brown

You didn’t think about that, did you, you selfish fuckers. In your drive for ‘equality’, you forgot that you could, on occasion, confuse people at business-related cocktail parties. Just imagine the look on your line manager’s face when you introduce your same-sex husband as your husband over a plate of cheeses on sticks. Can you picture the look of searing pain across his face as he tries to work it out? Well, then. Lesson learned. Now we can save him all the pain of reconciling that in his poor, overheated brain. Did I mention that in this fantasy your line manager is black? He’s black.

Enjoy Collin Brown to the fullest. He’s a dying breed – after all, the nearest he gets to reproducing is the crusty sock he keeps under his pillow next to the well-thumbed copy of Mein Kampf.

HomoSafari. It’s like dipping your face into a bucket full of shit and razor blades marinated in lemon juice.

There is nothing racist or fascist about:

1) wanting to maintain one’s cultural heritage
2) opposing the undemocratic and expansionist New European Empire
4) opposing immigration scams
3) wanting an ecologically sustainable level of population

Your ‘lefty’ insults are pathetic.
HomoSafari

I’d just like to add:

9) something something indigenous white working class
d) wankburger
Я) islamofascism

So that’s the immigrants and the socialists told good and proper, then. Good job. Who else would you like to blame?

This is what misandric feminist bigots have wanted all along, to destroy the male role in society and the fraudulent ‘liberal’ media have colluded with them.

I am glad that I am the ‘wrong’ side of 40 and old enough to remember when men were not subject to institutionalised so-called ‘positive’ discrimination.
HomoSafari

Yeah. The good old days. When men were men and when you were still a massive gobshite.

Funny. I read HomoSafari‘s impression of Britain’s cultural heritage – the one where everyone’s a vicious, misogynistic, selfish racist with views on homosexuality so offensive they get censored within two minutes of being aired – and I’m not exactly peeing my pants to want to save it. In fact, it has directly the opposite effect – it makes me want to stick needles sideways up me Jap’s so I’ll in no way be in danger of contributing to its continuation.

Oh, wait! He’s not done! Keep reading kids, because I’m sure this is going to be worthwhile.

Indeed and male graduates with good typing skills are more likely to be rejected. After I graduated in 1990, I took RSA classes, gaining the relevant qualifications in typewriting (on a proper typewriter – remember them?) and word processing, but I still found myself at the receiving end of anti-male discrimination when it came to seeking employment.
HomoSafari

Alternatively, you could explore your massive personality defect as a cause. Remember, it’s not discrimination if you’re just some kind of cunt.