spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Sophia. Some shite from the Mail again.

Vanessa Redgraves grossly exaggerated curtsy was hilarious last night.
Is this the republican revolutionary of old?
She is also looking and sounding a bit doddery.
However she has lost a daughter this last year and she must be suffering inside.
That will have had a huge effect on her.
- Jennifer, Yorkshire

Nah, it’s probably just wind. Wind and Communism. Fucks me up on chilly days too.

How far would you go to prevent a fuzzy outline of your genitals being one of hundreds seen every day by a bored security worker?

1 The Rapiscan is not an x-ray machine it uses “T” rays
2 No one scientifically or Medically qualified has done a study as to the effect of “T” rays on living human tissue.
3 Should I be refused permission to board my flight I will immediately strip totally naked in the security queue and show the staff and everyone that I am clean and have no impediments to boarding.
4) Having been seen naked and proved my innocence beyond doubt I will sue Manchester Airport and the British government for millions for denying me my absolute right to travel under admiralty law the highest law on the planet..

john marsh

Funnily enough I know John Marsh. I was behind him in the queue at Tesco the other day. Turns out, there’s been no study by anyone scientifically or Medically qualified on the effect of typing in your pin number to the little credit card machine. I won’t go into the details of what happened next, but suffice to say John is about to become a very rich man and it will be a while before I can bring myself to eat sausages again.

Saw an email joke recently, but it made sense. rather than scanning, have each individual traveler step into a giant bomb detonation device. If they don’t blow up, they can properly board. If they do blow up, hey, happy virgin time and we are safe

Richard king

Jesus, Richard, don’t tell us you got a joke that made sense and then keep it from us. You could have used the space where you had your exploding muslim fantasy wank to tell it.

And thanks to Louis for spotting this slightly disappointed pervert:

“but they also afford clear outlines of passengers’ genitals.” What genitals? Some women have breasts, big deal; the rest is on the inside. It’s like looking out the window: there’s nothing to see.

Phil E. Drifter

Phil, take a deep breath. Now look up and look for a green sign saying “EXIT.” Once you go through that door, you will no longer be in a modern art exhibit consisting of mannequins and empty window frames, and the world will make a lot more sense.

A man has been jailed for pushing a woman on railway tracks at Farningham Road Station just because she asked him to stop smoking. What a sad indictment of Broken Britain. These mindless thugs think they can get away with – wait, the bitch asked him to stop smoking? GIVE THAT MAN A MEDAL!

Thanks to Jo, who spotted these quotes at the time.

Good. It’s about time this Nazi behaviour induced by propaganda, lies, behavioural manipulation, poisoning and psychology…. was confronted head on and stopped now before this Government, and the one above it, lead the Lemmings over the Cliff… for a laugh! Wake Up! You are Programmed!

Rob O’Loughlin, Presteigne UK

And the only way to break that programming is to push innocent women onto live railway tracks. Damn that sinister illuminati for not wanting us to attempt murder on anyone who asks us to do things we don’t like. Don’t they know that Hitler lived by exactly the same principles?

I hope the two men never get caught, She is trying to help police society be enforcing fascist rules. The European Charter on Human Rights gives us the right to freedom of expression which smoke falls under. First the government deny us our rights with their tyrannical laws and now the people are trying to enforce them.

James Cochran, Bradford, England

It’s all about the Human Rights here. Infringe someone’s made-up right to smoke, and you’re subject to their equally made-up right to try and kill you. Similarly if an immigrant tries to deny you the freedom of expression to beat him with a stick, you can make up the right to beat him with a stick.

It’s like my grandma always said, “there’s a fine line between righteousness and self-righteousness.” Being a vigilante can lead to unpleasantness, so be sure you’re big enough to take the weight if you decide to go that way.

Azhid Madrors, California

Has anyone else seen the latest issue of Batman? It’s brilliant, first of all he uses his batarang to climb up to the 37th floor of an apartment building. Then he sneaks into the elevator shaft and waits until he hears someone flip open a zippo. Then he uses his bat-polite-voice to point out that the person’s in a shared lobby and there are no-smoking signs up. Of course, Batman was trained in tibetan martial arts so he can take that kind of risk. If you’re a woman you should probably just cower in a corner.

I can believe that people cannot see the effect that nonsensical rules and busybodies are having on the UK.
The argument started because of someone trying to enforce something that is clearly nonsensical and was allowed in this country for more than 178 years.

Farningham road station is not Oxford Circus, its in the middle of nowhere,
The risk to the railway system from someone smoking on an open platform in the middle of nowhere is zero. The platforms are made of non combustible materials and new trains manufactured to BS6853 are also impossible to burn with a cigarette.

If the smoking is offending someone they can move.

I am a non-smoker and I don´t condone what these guys have done, but there does need to be some defiance of the governments stupid rules by somebody.

Fred, Singapore

Bang on Fred. If you don’t like governments passing silly laws on what habits you can express in public, you can go somewhere nice and permissive like Singapore. Well I can’t because I work for Wrigley’s, but in principle, y’know?

In what is definitely and without a shadow of a doubt two separate and unrelated incidents that have nothing to do with each other and are entirely separate, ‘BNP’ and a swastika have been carved into a Mosque door in Mansfield. BNP associations with Nazism? Johnny Kwango smells a liblabcon rat.

Johnny_Kwango
I sense an election coming so a Swastika here and there will be beneficial for all parties concerned

An election you say? A bold claim to be making just on a hunch.

Thanks to Andrew for finding the adorable [dennisjunior1], who, unlike some, is careful to answer all the little bonus questions at the bottom clearly and concisely.

Do you buy fir or fake? [Fake]

Will you be forced to go fake? [No]

What kind of Christmas tree do you prefer? [Fake]

How important is a Christmas tree to your celebrations? [Somewhat]

Or do you have an entirely different alternative to a tree? [Yes]

=Dennis Junior=

[dennisjunior1]

WHAT? GO FAKE? NEVER! TELL ‘EM DENNIS JUNIOR! SOMEWHAT! YEAH!

How do you spend the festive season? (Exchanging gifts and enjoying each other company)

Do you love or loathe the holidays? (I have to say, I have love and loathe the holidays)

If you do not celebrate Christmas, what are your plans for the public holiday? (Rest and relaxation)

=Dennis Junior=

[dennisjunior1]

With every bizarre recluse, eccentric misanthrope and deranged wingnut on HYS claiming to represent the man on the street, Dennis Junior rather stands out as a charming everyman figure. I mean, who doesn’t love resting, relaxing, exchanging gifts and seeing friends and family over Christmas? But then on the other hand, who hasn’t also seen the downside of the season as well? Dennis Junior understands this.

Sometimes, though, his individuality shines through and you see a rather knowledgeable man with a lot to share with us. If only he could.

Who are the Africans to watch in 2010? [My favourite is: Nigeria's Central Bank governor Lamido Sanusi.]

Is that person you? [No]

Is there a young politician, economist or entrepreneur waiting for their moment of fame? [Yes, but, there are many names to list.]

-Dennis Junior

[dennisjunior1]

Don’t write him off as an automaton either, as he has some mildly radical opinions of his own to boot:

What do you think will be the big stories of 2010? {Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan among other big stories}

Do you agree with them? {Yes}

What will be the key events in 2010 for you? {South Africa and the World Cup among many others}

Which people and places will you be watching? {President Obama and the new IAEA leader among others}

Do you agree with the correspondents’ predictions for the coming year? {Yes}

=Dennis Junior=

[dennisjunior1]

Hmmm. Most of these answers are right on the money, but I’m not sure I quite concur that Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan.

Still, I’m really starting to warm to Dennis Junior. Watching him race through them in his amiable fashion really brings it home to you what totally, utterly and embarrassingly retarded questions the moderators have to come up with to keep the angry locals intellectually stimulated.

Should homosexuals face execution? {No}

Has Uganda gone too far? {Why, too far}

Should there be any level of legislation against homosexuality?
{No}

Should homosexuals be protected by legislation as they are in South Africa? {Yes}

What would be the consequences of this bill to you? {None}

=Dennis Junior=

[dennisjunior1]

Well Dennis, now we’ve got your opinion on something that doesn’t affect you, how about your opinion on something you know nothing about?

Who should be Christmas number one? [Joe]

Is it the right result? [Honestly No!]

What do you think of the Christmas number one? [Pretty OK with the result]

Do you agree that X Factor winners have dominated the charts for too long? [Honestly no...]

Or is it unfair on Joe? [Yes]

Which is the better song? [Since, I have not listen to either song~so, I can't make an inform decision]…

=Dennis Junior=

[dennisjunior1]

With my inbox always crammed with the angry, racist wank you lot kindly send in, Dennis Junior is a breath of fresh air. Though he’s inexplicably compelled to express tedious, uninformative and ignorant opinions on things that don’t concern him in the slightest, he’s at least honest about it and does it in far fewer, far lovelier words. Plus he always slightly varies his formatting, just to keep things fresh and cheerful.

I honestly really like him. I might even write to the moderators and see if they can’t reformat Have Your Say as quickfire multiple choice. He’d like that, I think.

Thanks to Lachlan. Off the Daily Mail. Who’d have guessed Iris from Northampton would have seen things from this perspective?

I support completely all the people who feel like me. Well done.

Iris, Northampton, UK

I’ve asked Nelson to make a new category for the tireless, pointless little-white-box-addict that’s always on hand to say what everybody is thinking.

I’m sorry, but I have to be the bearer of some ill tidings. They concern Doctor Who. If there are any kids in the room you might want to get them to hide behind the sofa.

For heaven’s sake…IT IS NOT REAL!!!!

Mark H, Luton, United Kingdom

That’s right, I’m afraid that Mark H has finally identified the main problem with Doctor Who: It’s not a documentary. Now I know that may come as a surprise but calm down, keep breathing and remind yourself: sometimes fiction is stranger than truth. Am I alone in suspecting that Mark H would be happier with Doctor Who if it was based on a true story, like The Da Vinci Code?

Other assorted whingers and moaners:

I do not believe this there are so many things happening around the world and the only topic of discussion the BBC can come up with is Dr Who , this beggars belief .

John Gittos, Leeds
Recommended by 70 people

So that’s 71 people who found this thread so pointless, so worthless, such a waste of their time that all they could think to do was comment in it or trawl it looking for a suitably miserable comment to recommend. Think how much improved the national mindset could be if they’d just used that time to have a wank instead.

Total Boredom – but then I haven’t watched it since Norman Hartnell was the Doctor, and the dinosaurs roamed free on the South Downs

[deanarabin], London, United Kingdom

Well why bother watching it when you can just wait for the Daily Mail to tell you whether there was something in it you can complain to OFCOM about?

The problem I have with these people is that they’re still managing to talk about Doctor Who even though they don’t like or watch it. Can’t we find someone in this thread who can be properly wide of the point? Preferably someone with sub-remedial spelling and grammar? Ah, thankyou Mare -

i think that we shood be worshipping a real life hero like Nick Griffin instade of a fictunal caractar like dr who.

he dont need yo regenerate vause hes perrfect already. go forward in time and youll see Nick will have reel power not make beleeve stuff.

True Britman

There you go. All Doctor Who needs is a wonky eye, a melted face and an affinity with the Daleks rather than Humanity, and True Britman will be delighted to barely understand the plot.

Do children contribute to climate change? Try and picture Mirembe Brenda, the movie’s speccy, bookish protagonist, poring over a computer screen (if it’s sci-fi) or an ancient leatherbound tome (if it’s horror/fantasy) before explaining this inescapable and terrifying conclusion to the camera:

CHILDREN CONTRIBUTING TO CLIMATIC CHANGES? YOU COULD BE RIGHT.
HIGH BIRTH RATES =HIGH POPULATION
HIGH POPULATION=OVER EXPLOITATION OF EXISTING NATURAL RESOURCES

END RESULT IS NO RAINFALL ,DROUGHT, FAMINE AND FLOODS
YOUR RIGHT, THEY DO CONTRIBUTE TO CLIMATE CHANGES

mirembe brenda, kampala

My God! We’ve got to get to a petting zoo. And fast!

On ultra-eccentric Haredi Jews’ guidelines for kosher music.

It’s good to know that fundamentalist rock-and-roll alarmism isn’t just an American phenomenon.

Justin Anthony Knapp, Indianapolis, USA

Admit it though Justin. It’s still not as surprising as when you found out about there being other countries.

Once upon a time, there was a group of people determined to control what the people could or could not read, watch and hear. Anything that did not fit with their view of ‘decent’, ‘upstanding’ and ‘respectable’, was banned, leading to large-scale book-burnings. That group of people later went on to ban and burn more than books. “Where they burn books, they will ultimately also burn people.” – Heinrich Heine

Jamie Jones, Linz, Austria

Ooooooh I know this one. Is it the Khmer Rouge?

Incidentally I rang Heinrich Heine up and asked him to write a humorous poem about you. Unfortunately he couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with “verdepperte Geißfut”.

There’s a thread up on “What are your plans for the Bank Holiday?” I can’t work out if these are intended as a test to see who can get angriest about spending a pleasant summer’s day away from work, as light relief from the weighty issues of contemporary politics or as a test to see who can get angriest at the very concept of light relief from politics (hint: it’s Topsy Turvy). Unsurprisingly, there’s a lot of smug shite like this:

Probably get my tax return form out and try and work out what I’ll be left with after the government has skinned me.

[unclegrumpy]

Fair enough. Whatever makes you unhappy.

And this:

I will be spending the holiday cleaning out the moat, painting the duckhouse and cutting back the wisteria.

Chris Oldershaw, Cenarth, Ceredigion, United Kingdom

Are you still on MPs’ expenses? Listen, if you’re getting low on material, maybe try clicking on the BBC News Front Page every couple of months instead of going straight to Have Your Say. Then maybe people will start talking to you again.

“This topic will start the usual miserable moaners off who will say that they are not going anywhere because :- 1) …..”
“Having had my say, I will not read any more of this topic until I come back – I’m going away for the weekend, and I’m not telling you where.”

Ron Anderson

Do you see what you’re doing here Ron?? You’re moaning about the moaners. That is even worse!

Glen Thomas

Haha! You’re right Glen! That’s exactly what he’s doing. I tell you what else though: read through your own post again and you’ll get a rather amusing surprise.