spEak You're bRanes

Who would you give your money to? Going to be a tricky one this. For obvious reasons ‘friends’ and ‘loved ones’ aren’t feasible, and ‘strangers’ might turn out either poor, foreign or both. So who then? Straight in first, setting the bar high from the outset, is our shiny new friend Toad in the Hole.

Toad In The Hole wrote:
Who would you give your money to? Future me.

Future you? That feckless arse? Never does a stroke of work, just sits there pretending to be over sixty-five, sponging off past and present you. Probably best you ram a butternut squash or two up your now-jacksie, wreck the lazy fucker’s bowels for him. Revenge is sweet.

D G Cullum wrote:
I give my money to me as I have very little to live on like many people how many billionaires do I know none but I will give them my address if they wish to send me a few thousand dollars. Any money they give they get back in taxes and it will not get them into heaven any quicker than anyone else. Why allow the media to make a big deal out of it its to much many anyway and the one that has made it sees it different than the kids who get to really spend it. Money is nothing it what you do with it so give it all away those rich people spend it on others and be generous about it after all you can not take it with you when you go and maybe someone will remember you for soemthing else and not just for being rich.

See, you didn’t think anyone could beat “future me”, did you? Well you didn’t reckon with the “present me”/”please Mr. Buffet could I have some more?” one-two combo, did you? There’s obviously a lot of talent here, but occasionally, someone will drop the ball and slip into a sense of charity for, like, other people.

UKcerberus wrote:
As a live billionaire, the very first thing I would do is leave this country!!
I would then help as many of the victims of UK governments as much as I could, but from afar. Victims of the UK’s appalling justice (sic) system who have no redress just because they are poor would get help with legal fees. The poverty-stricken children – yes, British children – would benefit from having at least a decent meal every day. Finally, I would ensure that no British child went to bed frightened or unloved. I would do that by sponsoring a private social service – highly skilled and motivated people who would be only concerned with child welfare, and not how easy a time and how politically correct their actions are.

It’s rather a clever happy medium really. You get to show your deep love and affection for sickening, uninhabitable Britain, and heartless disdain for Other Countries, your happy new home-sweet-home. Plus the more you donate, the less chance there is you’ll spend it and accidentally contribute to the local economy. My only worry is that if you do it this way, it might be mistaken for something ghastly like overseas aid and a foreigner might get his garlicky, unshaven mitts on it. Best just stuff all your imaginary billionaire-money in a big sock then have a wank into it.

Generously-remunerated public servant decries massive base salary, suggests safeguards, stops shy of doing anything rash like giving any of massive base salary away or something. Prick replies.

Thanks to Dan.

Actually it would be fairly easy to deal with the massive debt problem in this country. Introduce conscription for the armed forces (5 year term), only allowing single people in. Dissolve the fire service and hand those duties and euipment to the armed forces. Privatise the health service, education and waste disposal services. Dissolve social security, the state pension and force public sector workers to fund there own pensions. Repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality, or hamper businesses and individuals with beaurocracy. Also ban divorce for good measure.

People will be forced to adapt and have a choice with education, health and having the family and church as a support network, not the state.

How much have I just saved the country? £430 Bn a year which after three years we’ll have have paid off the debt and could reduce taxes to about a fifth of what they are now. So pay 6% flat tax and no NI contributions anyone?
gordon beresford

I’m jumping to conclusions here, but I’m willing to bet that Gordon Beresford is married and rich, with a healthy portfolio of low-risk investments, and lives in a flame-retardant house. I bet he also runs a small business producing generic Viagra, his wife is threatening to leave him, and he’s an ugly, selfish green smear of gleet on the sofa of humanity.

When he’s not hanging around in playgrounds, he punches hamsters to death for sexual thrills, but he’s so jaded that nothing, nothing will ever again elicit even the faintest twitch in his withered, bitter dribble of a penis.

Yesterday he went to the town hall to deliver a petition demanding the closure of his local Sure Start centre, stopping on the way to steal a scratchcard off an old lady. But it didn’t win, so he kicked her. Then he took some change out of a busker’s hat, and force-fed it to a pigeon.

Except it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a baby.

It’s Budget time, when pubs and offices throughout the land are filled with people loudly coughing half-chewed lumps of Robert Peston’s opinions in each other’s faces.

How about a tax linked to ones job TYPE regardless of the income but related to benefit to the UK. If it’s a wealth creating job the tax should be less. If it’s a parasitic pseudojob then the tax should be more.

This way in the first category:

surgeons, street sweepers farm workers and drivers (except the driver described below) would pay LESS % tax

and

in the second category:

drug dealers, investment bankers, pirates, minicab lobbyists (as distinct from proper drivers described in the low tax section above), property speculators and loan sharks, would pay MORE % tax on their incomes.
jjs

Thanks to Peter for finding this one. But why stop at drug dealers, loan sharks and pirates? Contract killers, terrorists and highwaymen should also be taxed to the eyeballs. What do they actually contribute to this country? Eh? Mind you, I bet they’d just find ways round it, wouldn’t they?

As for the minicab lobby, they’ve had far too much influence in Westminster for far too long. I was disgusted last year when the Racial and Religious Hatred Act 2006 was amended to exempt taxi drivers. These twats give proper drivers (party bus, monster truck, etc) a bad name.

Yet again the average man in the street has been hit with rises in booze,cigerattes and fuel increases, they work had for ther money all to get it return is it all taken away in tax. We should reduce fuel tax that would cut the average persons cost of living, tax the luxeries such as gambling, bingo, MP’s expenses, Union funds and increase tax on all those earning over £25 per week. Reduce the number of MP’s and local Councillors that would save a fortune. Living abroad is more and more appealing. Trouble is who ever wins the next election will hammer us again and again, why don’t MP’s listen and stick to there agenda of punishing MR AVERAGE
Keith

You can almost see the bitterness dripping, green and viscous, from Keith’s words. For years he’s been watching with mounting resentment as his flash cunt neighbour swans around town, frittering away his £25/wk+ salary on bingo and union meetings, while Keith can barely scrape together the cash for necessities such as booze and fags. Where’s the fucking justice?

Haven’t had time to listen to any of it yet, I have been to work & finished 10pm… so will read it in the papers tomorrow.
EBAYTKMAX

Cheers, mate! Be sure to pop in again and let us know what you thought.

Thanks to Glenn.

I am a white, anglo-saxon MARRIED male with a white nordic wife & children – all my OWN children to my ONE wife, each fluent in 3 languages (English being the first & foremost), all educated, qualified, employed, & paying tax.

We are now the minority and are disadvantaged courtesy of this Gov and their regressive social engineering.

If we took our case to court we’d be laughed at! When can I get my grant? Are we supposed to accept racial, class, caste & religious slurs without recourse?

[Fly_n_finn]

Oh come now [Fly_n_finn]. You don’t have to go all the way to court to be laughed at.

Thanks to Nikki. Martin from Ashford has some novel answers to all a child’s difficult questions.

11. What happens when we die? A The Labour government takes all your money
12. What is a prime number? A Any number the Prime Minister thinks of to lie about the debt
13. Is god real? A No, because if SHE were, Hattie Harman would be a good driver
14. What makes thunder? A Normally Gordon Brown throwing a printer across the office
15. Why do you blink? A Because it’s hard to believe Gordon Brown is still in a job
16. Where do babies come from? A Cheap lager + a free house + benefits = baby
17. How do planes fly in the sky? A Al Qaeda keep asking the same question
18. What is time? A What we do when we’re not flogging our guts out to pay Gordon Brown’s taxes
19. How does Father Christmas get down the chimney? A there’s no such person, just a skinny kid thieving your DVD player
20. Where does water come from? A According to the BBC from global warming.

Martin, Ashford

It looks like the idea is that, instead of actually thinking and giving useful information, you just make up a bunch of incoherent wank based on your own half-baked opinions and the very little you actually know about anything at all. I felt like helping so I’ve done the same with questions one to ten.

1. How is electricity made? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
2. What are black holes? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
3. What is infinity? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
4. Why is the sky blue? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
5. Why do we have a leap year? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
6. How do birds fly? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
7. Why do onions make you cry? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
8. Where does wind come from? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
9. Why is the sea salty? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
10. How big is the world? A Quite big. Martin from Ashford just had a accident.

I LIKE PARKING. I wish I could park wherever I want, but I can’t because of PC. I want to park right near the supermarket, because I am very busy and have lots of important opinions to disseminate. But I can’t, because I’m not disabled. So why should some oversized sprog-factory have it any better?

More politcally correct nonsense that will cost millions and be widely abused. Why doesn’t this government do something useful and face up to the desperate financial state they have left us in rather than come up social engineering projects like this?

Betrand Russell

You can’t be the real Bertrand Russell. The real B.R. would never use the term ‘social engineering’ without mentioning the special spaces for one-legged pregnant black lesbians with small refugee children in a Muslim wheelchair.

Pregnant women are already set to raid my pay packet via the tax system, I would rather they did not take up parking spaces as well.

Maxell Fellows

It’s a good point Maxwell, but as always, isn’t the root of the problem really just other people existing in general?

Another great idea of Britains namby pamby outlook on life.Pregnency is a wonderful thing in life,not a illness,people used to say only in America,thats changed to only in the U K,pathetic.

Mark Wilson, Bracknell

Wonderful’s right! It’s that beautiful kind of “pregnant glow” they get about them, isn’t it? I know it’s only sweat, but there’s still something magical there. So it stands to reason that they’ll only get more lovely the further you make them haul the shopping.

I bet it’s the blokes who disagree ! Ever tried waddling around and manoeuvring in the last months of pregnancy ? Yes, of course they should. Be kind.
[smilingparrotfan]

Then send your partner or a friend.
Men dont have it easier than women. You wouldnt let us
wayne, lancashire

Does it feel better now? All that burning anger from reading the words ‘women’ and ‘given’, has it subsided, or will you need to punch something and have another wank?

In the mid 70′s my wife worked as a delivery driver driving one of the old style mini vans – they were small!

She was in and out of that van all the time all day long. She worked up to the week before she gave birth to our second son.

We used to laugh as she tried to get in and out from behind the wheel, but thought nothing of it.

Now children are being overly mollycoddled, let’s not start on the mothers to be.

Brown Fitz Darling, Ripoff, United Kingdom

We should be raising our pregnant women to ‘ave a sense of discipline, by ‘eck. Why, back when I were a lad I’d send me pregnant mother five miles int’ snow wi’ no shoes on just to take a book I ‘adn’t read back t’ library, then when she came back I’d punch her int’ stomach. Never did me any ‘arm.

Of course, science has proved where ghosts come from. Sometimes a soul will leave this life and not be able to find its way to the utopia that awaits beyond the veil. Instead they get trapped in a place they don’t belong, repeating the same behaviours over and over, slipping with time into irrelevance and anachronism.

The same thing sometimes happens with turgid tax-obsessed wankers who can’t find their way to HYS, so they bollocks up other perfectly good websites instead.

It could be a site about courgette farming. Ray_A could have been discussing the importance of the bowline to short-term canal boat mooring procedures. None of that matters to JohnnyBimmer (a man who defines himself by owning a BMW – bet he’s a riot at parties!). He literally cannot talk about anything but how much he hates the concept of tax.

Ray_A – yes fantastic. Now evidence a single success of a penny of the £££millions spent by Regional Development Agencies. These quangos are just another way to siphon public money into corrupt vehicles. There gas been no “reduction” in taxation, you’re fooled by slight of hand. The Labour socialists tax take from the economy has risen to over 50% of GDP. That’s generous, i estimate it nearer 60%. Labour has spent this country into oblivion, the tax take to bail out this bankrupt institution is going to get far worse in coming years because Labour have spent so much (everything) they’ve deferred the debts/payments. You in Govt employ?
JohnnyBimmer

BMW called. They asked you to stop using their name because even the cunts’ cunts who drive BMWs think you’re a cunt’s cunt.

I found the “Should respectable middle-class parents be allowed to cheat the system so their gifted children don’t have to mix with oiks and foreigners?” debate and thought it would be a good hunting ground, but then I lost it. Thanks to Alex for helping me find it again. I didn’t realise it would be this fertile. Typical offering:

This country is run by lunatics!

I dont blame ANY parent who attempts to cheat the system if it’s in the best intrest for their child!

When we dont have major problems with crime, illegal wars, illegal immigrants, anti social behaviour, a broken justice system, lack of prisons, bent politicians and banks widdling our money away THEN and only then will I worry it! Somone who wants the best for their child shouldnt have to face this “idiocracy”.

Adam Stasiak, Darlington

Yeah BBC, before you go laying into parents for illegally trying to set their kids up for a better life, why not sort out lawbreakers, all those MPs and bankers fiddling the system, and all those foreigners using public services they’re not entitled to. Also Adam, I’m not sure if you know what the word ‘idiocracy’ means, but I wouldn’t write it off if I were you, as ultimately it really could work in your favour.

Why wouldn’t a loving parent with the best interests of their child at heart, be prepared to scam their way into a decent school, when the corrupt government which presides over us thinks nothing of stealing millions of pounds of taxpayers cash a year without a care of retribution?

If it’s good for the pigs in Westminster, it’s good for the rest of us to be as corrupt.

Withnail Xtreme, Camden Town

Can you just give it a rest for five minutes? There is other news you know.

As working hard citizens exploided by this corrupt, champagne socialist goverment our only weapon to defend us is cheating as much as we can with the school system, with taxes, with smoking in some venues, the comunist TV license, etc. I´m cheating and I will forever until this circus full of clowns AKA NuLabour dissapears forever.

jono onos, London

Note how Alex’s find, in his rage at Britain’s government and institutions, is not just totally, utterly and furiously indifferent to the existence of a single other human being on the planet, but, with all that unrelated crap about the fag ban and the telly-tax, we also have a rare case of someone whose incoherent torrent of bile actually required a bit of padding out.

Uh Oh- I feel another nulabour draconian legislation coming on. Council officials are about to be given the power to strip search a parent and send them to jail for fifteen years after bugging their house and following them with a video camera to prove that they have committed the heinous crime of trying to give their child a better education.

[ash101437]

You’ve got a colourful imagination Ash, I’ll grant you, but you’re up against some heavyweights in the dystopian novel genre, and there’s also a lot of bantam-weight competition just on BBC Have Your Say. Do you really think you can pull this one off?

The Mail reports a court ruling that benefits overpaid as a result of OFFICIAL ERROR – that’s: OFFICIAL ERROR – can no longer legally be clawed back. Cue vibrating parade of point-missing…

This action is about right for LABOUR. Gordon Brown has no respect for our taxes, anyone can fiddle them or be over paid and do not have to pay them back, or paid back over 77 years. Brown seems to forget the people of this country has to work very hard for the money he is squandering.
BRING ON THE ELECTION to get rid of this incompetent government.
Maggie, Cheshire

You’re right, Maggie. The current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is doing a shit job with these benefits and legal rulings. Instead of personally overseeing every single award issued by the DWP, he should delegate decisions on benefit claims to, ooh, let’s say, civil servants. And maybe he could entrust the application of law to… hey! How about the judiciary?

unbelievable; here’s my wallet help yourself
rob, a taxpayer, chesham, bucks

That’s basically how it’ll work, rob, a taxpayer (I see what you did there ha ha most amusing): rather than simply write off overpayments that have already been made from a pool of public money to which you’ve already contributed, the DWP will send large men called Wayne round to strip your home of valuables, empty your bank account and give everything to the first person they see wearing a tracksuit.

Then they’ll shit in your dinner.

And give that to a tramp.

now if they where politicians they would get off with it
jon uk, uk

There’s a lot of righteous fury in this thread about the expenses scandal. Which is to be expected, given that the expenses scandal has been making the news again recently, what with Sir Thomas Legg very much not letting these bloody politicians get off with it.

Cheers, though.

So who made this mistake? Some idiot cost the nation an absolute fortune. Name?
Rick, Scunthorpe, Lincs

Gordon Brown, forgot to carry the fucking 1 or something, didn’t he? Haven’t you been listening? God.

Shock confession from our old friend [mugged_as_mp_laughs].

Well, I realised the importance of education, got my GCE ‘A’ levels, got several good telecomms jobs (because I had a ‘brain’), bought my modest house, saved a lot for the future and retired at 51.

Keep working ? You’re having a laugh.

Keep LEARNING more like.

Now when I wake up each day, I say to myself, ‘What shall I buy today ? or ‘which holiday shall I book ?’.

Best of all, I contribute ZERO income tax to this broken country.

Life is good.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Golden rule of tax bores. Never, ever, EVER admit you don’t actually pay taxes. It really, really fucks your shit up. Observe:

Ms Lane Fox, the UK’s Digital Inclusion Champion

Who ?????

How much am I paying for this waste of space ?

Did we elect her ?

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Nothing. You don’t pay income tax, remember? Assuming you leave your house long enough to walk on the pavement and use a pelican crossing, you’re most likely a net drain on the public purse, albeit a middle-class one who can spell. This “waste of space”, unlike you, actually puts into the kitty and does something mildly productive with her time. The real question is how much she is paying for you. Because the poor woman’s clearly getting ripped off.

Man that felt good. Shall we have another one?

Actually. the Tunnel AND Bridge were FULLY paid for by us years ago, and I believe ALL the toll fees now go to benefit Essex and Kent County Councils.

So when it is sold, it will be a double whammy for them.

So much for helping the people.

Brown is such a child when it comes to Business.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Did you know Tagalog has two forms of ‘we’; one including the listener and one not? Well [mugged_as_mp_laughs] has gone even further and developed a form of ‘us’ that doesn’t include the speaker.

And from just where does the UK Gov’t obtain it’s funding?

[lorderkules], Leeds .

Actually, It’s ME !!!!!

One of the millions of hard working mugs who are forced to pay taxes to prop up this pathetic third world country.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

This “ME !!!!!”… It’s a long shot maybe, but it wouldn’t, by any chance, mean “other people” would it?

Well, thats another 57 MILLION pounds (the cost of setting it up) of OUR money gone then.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Excuse me, I’m sorry, whose money?

Personally, I don’t feel it is a UK Government responsibility to give OUR money to any foreign country.

If someone came to my house and demanded money to give to Oxfam, I would soon tell them where to get off.

I choose to give my money to UK Animal charities.

How DARE the Government deign to decide for me what to do with my charitable disposable income ?

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You should try withholding income tax, like Noam Chomsky. You’d probably adjust to it quite easily.

State Pension at 66 in 2016 ?????

Well that’s everybody’s vote under the age of 59 lost then.

They’ve certainly lost mine.

I thought the Tories were going to help working single people.

Oh and STOP child benefit. What the heck is that for ?

Surely if you have a child, you have already planned its financing until 18 years of age.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

I’m not sure that’s how having children works. Incidentally, what do you care about working single people? None of them are you.

I am literally itching waiting for this guy to use “hard-working taxpayers” as if he actually is one. ‘Cos you know it’ll happen. Man that’ll be good.