Why is it that my ears prick up when I hear a story about the possible extinction of the human race?

It would have landed but word has got around the Universe about speed cameras, parking charges, clampers and road tax. However the little critters that live on it were quite happy about the ability to enter the U.K. without the correct papers !!!
Christopher P

Ah. Yes, that’ll be why. It’ll be because it’s stacked with helmet cheesers of absolutely epic proportions who, astoundingly, would probably go to some lengths to argue exactly how they’re actually quite correct, erudite and amusingly astute, when the reality is that they’re actually just helmet cheesers of even bigger proportions than previously thought. And worse still, not only are they all keen to hand over their shitty, barely thought out opinions, but someone, somewhere, decided that it should all be interactive and we should all have the option of hearing them. Well done, someone, somewhere. You complete cunt.

Slowly, The old man managed to free his trapped leg, He was in what appeared to be a small cave, dust was gently landing on his sore head, a crack of light hit his right eye like a white lazer, he managed to crawl towards the beconing light, Silence was all around, Stifiling was the air, Bruied and battered he approached the #$%$ of light, As his eyes adjusted to the incoming light, It was with a Painful reality he saw utter Desolation, chaos, Destruction,… all was gone, all he had known, gone, What was that noise behind him? another Survivor?…Twisting his body around he Crawled towards the sound,…Whats that, a Face? Yes, I can see a Man’s face, With all his might he moved ever closer to the man at last, at Last Dust ever flowed down onto the old man, not now, surely he won’t die here in this hole,… Closer,…Closer he moved on his elbows toward the man. the man, was a Mirror……I Thank you x
Justice

Oh, fuck off.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: there is no reason for the people commenting on this article to exist. At all. Not just the comments – the actual people. I’m absolutely serious. No sarcasm, irony, no belittling someone’s level of education or the rabid nonsense pouring out of their feebly constructed ego – just to say that if there ever was an acute example of the pointlessness of human existence, it can be found right on that Yahoo webpage. Really, for once in my life I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just Having My Say. Look at these cunts:

Shame it cant be guided towards the middle east
Englishguy1

Well at least let a few bits of that asteroid hit Pakistan — Any Middle-eastern countries
Richardo Stallmanu

Come on asteroid, give us ya best shot! C’mon, right in the mush,…. right there! *points to cheek*,…. Ha! Can’t do it can ya?!! I’ll be long dead when, (if), you do hit in the future. Pity really as I’d quite like to see it happen. Hope it lands right in the middle of the middle east. Do us all a favour.
Chris

Yes. Do us all a favour. There’s three comments, all saying exactly the same nonsensical, ridiculous thing, intended to be funny but which, in reality, just leaves a taste in your mouth like a cat piss hangover. And on each of these insanely bigoted, poorly thought out, grammatically incorrect and badly spelled comments, there’s at least two other people in the world who agreed with the content of the post – at least in principle.

294 people agreed with the following comment, with some people even taking the time out to reply to tell Fred how fucking funny he was:

good job it is moving so fast or our goverment would have put a tax on it
Fred

Yes, Fred. That’s literally hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of joke that gets them rolling about on the floor when they’re watching My Family, misusing words like ‘literally’ and ‘hilarious’. Because the government taxes everything, including trees, rivers, individual blades of grass, dark matter, squirrels, thinking, pubes and especially bits of rock, free floating or otherwise attached to planetary bodies. But not books, children’s clothes or non-luxury food items.

Meanwhile, further down that thread – and for the sake of my own health, that’s the last time I ever go to Yahoo in any form, ever again, probably – there’s people who are arguing the toss with these people. On Yahoo. With these people. On Yahoo.

That’s right. On Yahoo. And now, I charge, these people are guilty of the worst crime of all – enabling. And it is they who shall be first against the wall when I go round to their houses and line them up against a wall. Because, and here’s the final conclusion to the first intentionally unfunny post I’ve ever made here: they encourage them. And you should never encourage insane people in their delusions. Not unless they’ve got a gun against your head.

Don’t reply. Don’t get into the arguments. I know it’s ultimately very tempting to take someone to account on their bare-naked stupidity, lack of reason, outright bigotry or any other negative human quality that people seem to think that the internet was created to let out – but don’t. Just say no. Because you look worse than they do, and you’ll waste your time. Send them to us instead. Or me, seeing as everyone else has died or got real jobs or something. At least until the domain expires because Nelson doesn’t give a shit (and why should he?) I’ll be here… because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making people sound like cunts. Especially myself.

Being a native of Newcastle & being quite able to speak the Queens English too, i’ll be happy to translate , post me the hourly rate..

Fusilier, Newcastle upon Tyne

Dear Fusilier,
Thank you for your interest in working for us. However, we are unfortunately unable to accept applications through newspaper comments sections. Please staple a copy of your CV to an old carrier bag and hang it in a tree. Thank you.

Leave regional accents alone! They are what gives flavor and character to a country.

tea drinker, lipton, usa

I could have sworn this was about recruiting interpreters for them rather than actually doing anything like banning them. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it’s the same thing. Maybe every time anything is mentioned in a newspaper, it goes illegal, and that’s how it works. I never knew. Am I reading the wrong way? I look at all the words and punctuation, in order usually, and then use their context and my existing knowledge of the English language to piece together what they mean as an ensemble. I don’t seem to be getting the right effect.

Maybe I should take a leaf out of Jane here’s book. Glance briefly at the headline, read eight words at random from the main body, roll it up, place it under my head as a pillow and close my eyes. Then whatever I dream – that’s the news.

What another waste of taxpayers money in this hard pressed times.They chose to come here either live with it or go home.

Jane, U.K

I’m now imagining Jane sitting at her desk, eating a banana, waving it at a colleague and saying through each mouthful “you know they’ve only gone and banned these now”.

Finally, a pompous pair arse of arsecheeks writes:

Sadly TV Channels – notably 5 and 4 pander to ridiculously exaggerated Geordie accents in the continuity announcers – but the truth is these people are virtually unemployable outside such niche areas or labouring. Similarly with the Glaswegian accent which is difficult to undertand at the best of times, but really dreaded by staff in English A&E Departments where combined with drunkeness it is unintelligble. I have often wondered whether school teachers in these areas have the same accent or just give up on trying to encourage the standard English learned by Germans and other Europeans which is a delight to hear.

David Bachauer, Manchester uk

How quintessential, humorous and melodious are the British regional dialects.Symphonic and poetic they are a delight to the ears. Shame on anyone who tries to denigrate them with snobbish rubbish.

Jim Calvert, Penticton, Canada

Such laughable poncy cocks, but with such fascinatingly different poncy-cock perspectives. Maybe you could settle your differences with rusty hooks? Last man sighted wins?

But it’s the readers we’re interested in. And in equally typical fashion, their comments run the full gamut from patronising armchair psychology, through sanctimonious prickery, all the way to utter batshit mentalism. Some (most, probably) are simply horny. But almost all agree on one thing: ‘Juicy’ Jennifer Thompson’s most unforgivable crime is being, in their considered opinion, less attractive than Coleen Rooney.

Thanks go to Kris. Commence the unpleasantness.

Its the Beyonce generation ie do anything for money!!
Paul

Does Paul know something about Beyoncé that I don’t, or are his cultural references just very limited? Who knows? Who cares? I don’t. Next…

I hope she’s going to pay tax on that.
With the country’s finances as they are, earnings are earnings, and as her advertised ‘client’ probably avoids heavy taxes by using offshore accounts, it’s only fair she should contribute.
As she would be self-employed (sounds somehow wrong said that way), I suppose she should be able to charge for the pill, or whatever contraceptive measures she uses, BUT she should pay for the medical checkups to make sure she hasn’t caught any sexual diseases.
PeterH

Here we go. Practical advice from PeterH for any budding escorts out there, alongside an apparent suggestion that the service sector pick up any slack left by its wealthier customers’ creative accounting. Which is a great idea. Say next time Bob Diamond pops into the newsagents for some Red Mill, an HMRC official rushes in as soon as the transaction is complete and slaps a big old fuckin’ tax bill on the counter, as Diamond strolls out laughing with bits of corn snack fluttering from his mouth like golden snow. The government gets to pursue those unpaid receipts as aggressively as they like without scaring off the rich people, and the less rich get crushed in the process. Osborne’ll love it.

From the dawn of humanity, women have been the corruptors of men. Everybody remembers it was Eve who ate the apple and began the descent of humanity.
Jeremy Tapsill

Mrs Tapsill find the receipts again, did she?

Lets be honest if it wasn’t for his money he would have to pay to sleep with someone ironically …
Chris Butler

It’s true. I earn a pittance, and prostitutes only ever give me ironic sex.

Women must realise that men like both steak and burger. This escort is Wayne’s greasy cheap burger. Us men like greasy burgers once in a while but we always prefer the steak waiting at home.
Matty Hayes

If this comment isn’t bad enough by itself, you’ll shit when I tell you that Matty is really talking about an actual steak. He’s married to a steak.

The sick fuck.

how do the newspapers get all these pictures off facebook?
tom

Lust = anger
Jeff

tom, presumably, is after tips, but seems fairly harmless compared to Jeff, who I’m a bit concerned about, to be honest. If he isn’t already on some sort of register, can we please get him on one? Before it’s too late.

She has an exotic sexy look about her, but she is definitely not pretty or English looking,-maybe she realizes this and that’s why 1.)she feels the need to sell herself, despite not needing the money, and 2.) is obsessed with her appearance.

Shame on her, poor Colleen.
Miss B

And with unnerving clarity, Miss B has identified the real tragedy of Jennifer Thompson. Loveless childhood? Please! If there is a single, definable root to Thompson’s issues, it’s not looking English enough. If only she’d been born a bit less exotic and sexy, she could’ve had everything by now. Marriage, children, a £400,000 house of her very own husband’s own in which to pace back and forth, trapped, getting ever drunker and more desperate, scratching away at the paintwork until bittersweet freedom arrives in the shape of death or divorce… all of these things could’ve been hers. Damn that exotic, sexy look.

Some people just get dealt a bad hand.

Toad In The Hole wrote:
Who would you give your money to? Future me.

Future you? That feckless arse? Never does a stroke of work, just sits there pretending to be over sixty-five, sponging off past and present you. Probably best you ram a butternut squash or two up your now-jacksie, wreck the lazy fucker’s bowels for him. Revenge is sweet.

D G Cullum wrote:
I give my money to me as I have very little to live on like many people how many billionaires do I know none but I will give them my address if they wish to send me a few thousand dollars. Any money they give they get back in taxes and it will not get them into heaven any quicker than anyone else. Why allow the media to make a big deal out of it its to much many anyway and the one that has made it sees it different than the kids who get to really spend it. Money is nothing it what you do with it so give it all away those rich people spend it on others and be generous about it after all you can not take it with you when you go and maybe someone will remember you for soemthing else and not just for being rich.

See, you didn’t think anyone could beat “future me”, did you? Well you didn’t reckon with the “present me”/”please Mr. Buffet could I have some more?” one-two combo, did you? There’s obviously a lot of talent here, but occasionally, someone will drop the ball and slip into a sense of charity for, like, other people.

UKcerberus wrote:
As a live billionaire, the very first thing I would do is leave this country!!
I would then help as many of the victims of UK governments as much as I could, but from afar. Victims of the UK’s appalling justice (sic) system who have no redress just because they are poor would get help with legal fees. The poverty-stricken children – yes, British children – would benefit from having at least a decent meal every day. Finally, I would ensure that no British child went to bed frightened or unloved. I would do that by sponsoring a private social service – highly skilled and motivated people who would be only concerned with child welfare, and not how easy a time and how politically correct their actions are.

It’s rather a clever happy medium really. You get to show your deep love and affection for sickening, uninhabitable Britain, and heartless disdain for Other Countries, your happy new home-sweet-home. Plus the more you donate, the less chance there is you’ll spend it and accidentally contribute to the local economy. My only worry is that if you do it this way, it might be mistaken for something ghastly like overseas aid and a foreigner might get his garlicky, unshaven mitts on it. Best just stuff all your imaginary billionaire-money in a big sock then have a wank into it.

Thanks to Dan.

Actually it would be fairly easy to deal with the massive debt problem in this country. Introduce conscription for the armed forces (5 year term), only allowing single people in. Dissolve the fire service and hand those duties and euipment to the armed forces. Privatise the health service, education and waste disposal services. Dissolve social security, the state pension and force public sector workers to fund there own pensions. Repeal all laws that do not tackle criminality, or hamper businesses and individuals with beaurocracy. Also ban divorce for good measure.

People will be forced to adapt and have a choice with education, health and having the family and church as a support network, not the state.

How much have I just saved the country? £430 Bn a year which after three years we’ll have have paid off the debt and could reduce taxes to about a fifth of what they are now. So pay 6% flat tax and no NI contributions anyone?
gordon beresford

I’m jumping to conclusions here, but I’m willing to bet that Gordon Beresford is married and rich, with a healthy portfolio of low-risk investments, and lives in a flame-retardant house. I bet he also runs a small business producing generic Viagra, his wife is threatening to leave him, and he’s an ugly, selfish green smear of gleet on the sofa of humanity.

When he’s not hanging around in playgrounds, he punches hamsters to death for sexual thrills, but he’s so jaded that nothing, nothing will ever again elicit even the faintest twitch in his withered, bitter dribble of a penis.

Yesterday he went to the town hall to deliver a petition demanding the closure of his local Sure Start centre, stopping on the way to steal a scratchcard off an old lady. But it didn’t win, so he kicked her. Then he took some change out of a busker’s hat, and force-fed it to a pigeon.

Except it wasn’t a pigeon, it was a baby.

How about a tax linked to ones job TYPE regardless of the income but related to benefit to the UK. If it’s a wealth creating job the tax should be less. If it’s a parasitic pseudojob then the tax should be more.

This way in the first category:

surgeons, street sweepers farm workers and drivers (except the driver described below) would pay LESS % tax

and

in the second category:

drug dealers, investment bankers, pirates, minicab lobbyists (as distinct from proper drivers described in the low tax section above), property speculators and loan sharks, would pay MORE % tax on their incomes.
jjs

Thanks to Peter for finding this one. But why stop at drug dealers, loan sharks and pirates? Contract killers, terrorists and highwaymen should also be taxed to the eyeballs. What do they actually contribute to this country? Eh? Mind you, I bet they’d just find ways round it, wouldn’t they?

As for the minicab lobby, they’ve had far too much influence in Westminster for far too long. I was disgusted last year when the Racial and Religious Hatred Act 2006 was amended to exempt taxi drivers. These twats give proper drivers (party bus, monster truck, etc) a bad name.

Yet again the average man in the street has been hit with rises in booze,cigerattes and fuel increases, they work had for ther money all to get it return is it all taken away in tax. We should reduce fuel tax that would cut the average persons cost of living, tax the luxeries such as gambling, bingo, MP’s expenses, Union funds and increase tax on all those earning over £25 per week. Reduce the number of MP’s and local Councillors that would save a fortune. Living abroad is more and more appealing. Trouble is who ever wins the next election will hammer us again and again, why don’t MP’s listen and stick to there agenda of punishing MR AVERAGE
Keith

You can almost see the bitterness dripping, green and viscous, from Keith’s words. For years he’s been watching with mounting resentment as his flash cunt neighbour swans around town, frittering away his £25/wk+ salary on bingo and union meetings, while Keith can barely scrape together the cash for necessities such as booze and fags. Where’s the fucking justice?

Haven’t had time to listen to any of it yet, I have been to work & finished 10pm… so will read it in the papers tomorrow.
EBAYTKMAX

Cheers, mate! Be sure to pop in again and let us know what you thought.

I am a white, anglo-saxon MARRIED male with a white nordic wife & children – all my OWN children to my ONE wife, each fluent in 3 languages (English being the first & foremost), all educated, qualified, employed, & paying tax.

We are now the minority and are disadvantaged courtesy of this Gov and their regressive social engineering.

If we took our case to court we’d be laughed at! When can I get my grant? Are we supposed to accept racial, class, caste & religious slurs without recourse?

[Fly_n_finn]

Oh come now [Fly_n_finn]. You don’t have to go all the way to court to be laughed at.

11. What happens when we die? A The Labour government takes all your money
12. What is a prime number? A Any number the Prime Minister thinks of to lie about the debt
13. Is god real? A No, because if SHE were, Hattie Harman would be a good driver
14. What makes thunder? A Normally Gordon Brown throwing a printer across the office
15. Why do you blink? A Because it’s hard to believe Gordon Brown is still in a job
16. Where do babies come from? A Cheap lager + a free house + benefits = baby
17. How do planes fly in the sky? A Al Qaeda keep asking the same question
18. What is time? A What we do when we’re not flogging our guts out to pay Gordon Brown’s taxes
19. How does Father Christmas get down the chimney? A there’s no such person, just a skinny kid thieving your DVD player
20. Where does water come from? A According to the BBC from global warming.

Martin, Ashford

It looks like the idea is that, instead of actually thinking and giving useful information, you just make up a bunch of incoherent wank based on your own half-baked opinions and the very little you actually know about anything at all. I felt like helping so I’ve done the same with questions one to ten.

1. How is electricity made? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
2. What are black holes? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
3. What is infinity? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
4. Why is the sky blue? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
5. Why do we have a leap year? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
6. How do birds fly? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
7. Why do onions make you cry? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
8. Where does wind come from? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
9. Why is the sea salty? A Martin from Ashford just had a accident.
10. How big is the world? A Quite big. Martin from Ashford just had a accident.

More politcally correct nonsense that will cost millions and be widely abused. Why doesn’t this government do something useful and face up to the desperate financial state they have left us in rather than come up social engineering projects like this?

Betrand Russell

You can’t be the real Bertrand Russell. The real B.R. would never use the term ‘social engineering’ without mentioning the special spaces for one-legged pregnant black lesbians with small refugee children in a Muslim wheelchair.

Pregnant women are already set to raid my pay packet via the tax system, I would rather they did not take up parking spaces as well.

Maxell Fellows

It’s a good point Maxwell, but as always, isn’t the root of the problem really just other people existing in general?

Another great idea of Britains namby pamby outlook on life.Pregnency is a wonderful thing in life,not a illness,people used to say only in America,thats changed to only in the U K,pathetic.

Mark Wilson, Bracknell

Wonderful’s right! It’s that beautiful kind of “pregnant glow” they get about them, isn’t it? I know it’s only sweat, but there’s still something magical there. So it stands to reason that they’ll only get more lovely the further you make them haul the shopping.

I bet it’s the blokes who disagree ! Ever tried waddling around and manoeuvring in the last months of pregnancy ? Yes, of course they should. Be kind.
[smilingparrotfan]

Then send your partner or a friend.
Men dont have it easier than women. You wouldnt let us
wayne, lancashire

Does it feel better now? All that burning anger from reading the words ‘women’ and ‘given’, has it subsided, or will you need to punch something and have another wank?

In the mid 70′s my wife worked as a delivery driver driving one of the old style mini vans – they were small!

She was in and out of that van all the time all day long. She worked up to the week before she gave birth to our second son.

We used to laugh as she tried to get in and out from behind the wheel, but thought nothing of it.

Now children are being overly mollycoddled, let’s not start on the mothers to be.

Brown Fitz Darling, Ripoff, United Kingdom

We should be raising our pregnant women to ‘ave a sense of discipline, by ‘eck. Why, back when I were a lad I’d send me pregnant mother five miles int’ snow wi’ no shoes on just to take a book I ‘adn’t read back t’ library, then when she came back I’d punch her int’ stomach. Never did me any ‘arm.

The same thing sometimes happens with turgid tax-obsessed wankers who can’t find their way to HYS, so they bollocks up other perfectly good websites instead.

It could be a site about courgette farming. Ray_A could have been discussing the importance of the bowline to short-term canal boat mooring procedures. None of that matters to JohnnyBimmer (a man who defines himself by owning a BMW – bet he’s a riot at parties!). He literally cannot talk about anything but how much he hates the concept of tax.

Ray_A – yes fantastic. Now evidence a single success of a penny of the £££millions spent by Regional Development Agencies. These quangos are just another way to siphon public money into corrupt vehicles. There gas been no “reduction” in taxation, you’re fooled by slight of hand. The Labour socialists tax take from the economy has risen to over 50% of GDP. That’s generous, i estimate it nearer 60%. Labour has spent this country into oblivion, the tax take to bail out this bankrupt institution is going to get far worse in coming years because Labour have spent so much (everything) they’ve deferred the debts/payments. You in Govt employ?
JohnnyBimmer

BMW called. They asked you to stop using their name because even the cunts’ cunts who drive BMWs think you’re a cunt’s cunt.