spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Glenn. No, really, thanks to Glenn. This Have Your Say reform has hit us all hard here, and it’s good to be reminded of the power of change to generate pompous, wounded stupidity.

When the leader is in charge of ‘Have your Say’ and makes a total mess of ‘updating’ it so that it loses it’s point and it’s appeal – without consulting any of the contributors.

OK, so not the worst bullying I’ve ever suffered but my feelings are definitely hurt. No recommendations? How am I supposed to feel heard? Is anybody out there?

Chris Jones, Rickmansworth, United Kingdom

It’s always hard losing something you love. Chris Jones may have a little void in his heart where the ‘recommend’ button used to be, but it will heal with time. Until then, we’ll find him standing, dejected-looking, in the bread aisle at Sainsbury’s, poking wistfully at a pack of white English muffins.

I’m digging into my percy stash here peeps. The last few bits from from the defunct RSS feeds.

Remember when the beeb asked the gnomes “Should sportsmen be role models off the pitch?”. BigHitter decided it was time to wheel out the word “moot”. He had obviously been deeply impressed by someone who used it once and had been practising at home, in front of the mirror, ever since. “The point is moot!” he’d say, waggling his eyebrows. Sometimes he’d hold a finger in the air and pause for effect before letting rip with the full force of his weighty moot. “The point, Sir” (significant waggle) “is moot!”. And then he’d fling his coat over his arm and stalk out of the room, feeling like a Massive Professor of Opinions ‘N’ Shit.

So, practice over, here he is, giving it a go in public. Be kind, this is his first time.

They dont glean any respect from me, so the point is moot.

But, they should be insiprational to youngsters, after all , they are all adults who never grew up but alas they have been developed inside a pandering , narcissist bubble all of their adult life , subsequently know very little of the real world

Ridiculous wages for what amounts to very little achievement
[BigHitter]

Shit at sport, eh?

Anyway, my advice is that you take “moot” along to a few open mic nights before you try another proper gig with it. Hone your skills in front of a friendly crowd. Also, and sorry if I’m doing you a disservice here, but you strike me as the sort of cunt who might start riffing on shit like “ergo”, “methinks” and “QED”. This is the equivalent of launching into a twenty minute acappella of “Hallelujah” and then, just as everyone is about to glass themselves in the tits, asking them to “join in if you know the words”. Trust me, you can’t pull this off. You’re WORSE at this than you were at sport.

The HYS forum has changed recently. They’ve got rid of the recommendations and paging and I think maybe raised the character limit, resulting in extremely long pages of unreadable bollocks. It’s a massive improvement and hopefully means nobody will ever try to read any of it ever again.

They also got rid of the RSS feeds of user posts. Now I have to scan through, looking for good shit, instead of simply subscribing to the feeds of the most amusingly self-important bellends. It’s not massively rewarding.

I’m going through old ones I saved but never got round to posting. Sometimes, it’s never too late.

If a victim is being physically attacked, the victim can use self defence to protect himself. That is the law of the land, and it should be no different in the classroom.

To those who are shocked with this statement, believing that children should not be taught that violence is the answer to violence. Well remember this: bullying is easy when the victim can’t retaliate; and sometimes, it’s never too early to learn about the real world.
Lloyd Belle, Nottingham, United Kingdom

Good call, Lloyd. Sometimes, the only way to stop bullying is to batter the fuck out of someone much smaller than you.

I have to thank whoever made the decision to ask the gnomes “What should Britain’s defense strategy be?”. It just keeps on giving.

It really brought out the very best in them. Many of them appear to have been patiently formulating military strategies and collecting important-sounding acronyms for years. They’ve beavered away in secret, reading about war, thinking about war, fantasising about war and masturbating about Lynda Bellingham. Finally, the little white box has asked them what the army should do. This is their chance to make a difference.

Expand support for special forces, specifically the SFSG, and look to expand SF aswell . Satelitte technology

Correctly equip regular forces with everything ground commanders recommend and unhindered by budget and cost saving

Ditch Trident, make a more mobile rapid response force, split into self sufficent units of 1500 strong supported by helo’s, Littoral combat ships and other defensive counter-measures .

There arent enough words available to be able to describe everything needed .
[BigHitter]

Aw, come on. Cheer up lad. Sure, it’s easy to become despondent when you realise that nobody gives an elasticated wank-nappy about your plan for Afghanistan. Don’t give up and don’t let it get you down! Try and forget that you’ve pissed a substantial portion of your life away patiently shoveling lorry-loads of arseblubber into the internet. Forget that you believed, for no reason that the rest of us can fathom, that this was worth doing. Abandon your conviction that important men with moustaches were leafing through your penetrating observations with grudging approval. Bravely ignore the fact that everyone has actually been shitting themselves laughing at you.

The clues you need are already on HYS. Look, here’s our old friend Ron C, putting you all straight.

…….I`m certainly not amongst them……….
Darkseid Jones,

Like all our hys`s they will always like your`s get lost in the “dark”. The mandarins in the MOD, won`t even bother to read them either, try writing direct. You still don`t get it. Why do you bother posting, its`s only all a bit of fun. lighten up.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

I think you’ve got the right attitude, Ron. The trick is to lighten up and remember that the only person who actually pays any attention to what you write is me. And I think you’re a lonely bollock.

Domestic defence security is vital with less committment overseas.The new aircraft carriers are a must, as this in turn will bolster our air defences, we also should rethink our nuclear strategy and slim back on this, and consider strengthening the army ground fores with emphasis placed on fast efficient reaction well trained and equipped units. Do something worthwhile about the terrible state of army accommodation and increase pay that its`s well above the highest parking ticket zealet`s pay.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

Ron? Can you hear me? You need to lighten up, Ron. RON? IT’S ONLY A BIT OF FUN. RON???

Our old friend BC/CB is back on Twitter again. This is as much as I got before I couldn’t be arsed with him clogging up my feed any more and stopped following him. It’s worth a look though. You see, while his fiction is wide-ranging and his HYS posts are limited to specific topics, on twitter, flickr and his own website, he can really get to grips with his true passion – the environment.

Remember 40 degrees.. That is what the temperature will be when you will start to think …Is there somethind awfully wrong?

I’m not sure I’m warm enough to understand what this means.

You can always keep warm, but it is very difficult to keep cool is it not? Do not think for a minute that i am a doom monger rabbiting on.

It’s very illuminating though. Cuger sounds like how climate change sceptics must imagine the rest of us think. It’s like looking in a pig-headed, gullible mirror that keeps wanting to yell at science.

At this point in my personal crusade, I must confess, I just feel, what the heck, get on with it! If it was not for my children I would…

Just let things exponentially evolve and try and survive when most of the population are dying from heat exhaustion..

Yes it is cold, but. Remember those childhood summers of blue skies, white clouds, the seaside..ect..WELL..Forget them!

Mediterranean summers, Mediterranean fruits growing in our English countryside, vineyards galore… Forget them….

Pestilence, disease, immigrants running from desolate equatorial countries, to descend upon us will be the new Garden of Eden.

Don’t believe me? Happy with your hedonistic little lives? You all have a new beginning awaiting..

See, this is really handy. I reckon if we want to win round the fucknut right to this whole “stop making the world warmer before we break it and die in a stinky frozen-methane fireball” thing, we just need to threaten them with a few boatfuls of Africans. Oh yeah, SYB shout-out coming up!

By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one). You sycophantic blog followers!

See you next time!!

Pleasure to know you’re a fan Bruce. I’m guessing you self-googled your way here.

Something about the economy or something.

For heaven’s sake, BBC, stop peddling the ‘recession over’ line and talking about our economic problems as if they were in the past. This is all part of the Clown/Starling conspiracy to try to make us feel better before the election, whereas those of us who live in the real world know only too well that our problems are far from over. We won’t even be making a start on the road to recovery until 7th May; until then, please stop your government-driven propaganda.

Douglas Lee, London

Starling? Who the fucking cock is fucking Starling? Is it some kind of sideways reference to Josef Stalin, Soviet leader 1878-1953, but with an ‘r’ and a ‘g’ jammed in there so it’s an entirely different word? Is it the bird? I don’t know that much about birds. Are starlings like magpies, but for taxes instead of shiny stuff? Are they notorious as the absolute worst bird at overseeing a national economy? Or is it, as I suspect, that tedious moron Douglas Lee is physically incapable of either calling a politician by their real name or thinking up an even slightly witty substitute for ‘Darling’?

I’m just fed up with this. I sometimes assume Harriet’s surname means ’son of Harper’ before realising that if that actually was her name I wouldn’t ever get to read it. Every time I summon up the masocourage to look at a right-wing blog and see if I’ve not been wrong all along, I have to waste twenty minutes of my precious life ploughing through the sixty-two latest hilarious incarnations of Comrade (Has-)Bean Jocksky Bottler McLeonidBrezhnev Tartantits One-Eyed Idiot Barry “Bagpipe” Soetero Haggisface until I finally get to some lazy variation on “McBroon” and work out it must be the Prime Minister.

Though I suppose they’re just as stumped when they read ‘Gordon Brown’.

Old one from “Is Pakistan losing control?”

Yes I am, and said as much on this recycled question nearly a year ago, on a now disappeared(along with my many other posts) post. However Pakistan is losing the plot and the concerted efforts of the militants is bearing fruit. Noone even in the west is taking world terrorision seriously, more resources to combat this evil is needed along with long term plans to counter theirs. We will Know all about it if Pakistan falls to these people with their brand of religious fervour going nuclear.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

Your HYS opinions have disappeared?? Tell me you kept copies Ron??? TELL ME YOU KEPT COPIES??? RON?????

We’ve already showcased some of the more hysterical, racist and impractical suggestions for “improving” airport “security”, but what do the pants-pooing mentals think? Here’s our old chum Stephen Dawson to speak for them.

Paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals; removing ALL clothes [returned post-landing] with intimate body-search inevitable ‘price-worth-paying’

NO hand-luggage, duty-free should be allowed in the passenger-cabin; those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…

Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination weeks, if not months, before EVERY flight.

HomelandSecDB…; choice-of-one.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
RECOMMENDED BY: 4 people

Four people? FOUR PEOPLE? Four people, you are wasting your time on HYS if you can decode this into a statement that can be agreed or disagreed with. You need to be at GCHQ monitoring terrorist chatter. Four people, in a very real sense, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab made it onto that plane because of YOU.

(Also, every plane to have designated “grumble seats” where Stephen Dawson can sit in his paper panties thinking about Summer Glau.)

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

Thanks to Glenn for finding the last of these comments and introducing me to the techni-crabstick world of Stephen Dawson. It seems a few of you have emailed examples of his confusion before and Kelvin has used a few of them. I guess this just proves that, sometimes for weeks at a time, I can barely bring myself to open any SYB emails. Sorry about that *.

*I may not actually be sorry about that.

It’d be unfair of me to tell you what subjects Stephen was commenting on as the poor fucker obviously has no idea himself.

must be love and it must be blind…
Perfect OrdinaryMan, Weymouth, United Kingdom

Love is blind, marriage is a real eye-opener

Washing, showering, clean-clothes… are part of the MATING-RITUAL; once a-couple it is down to the duo to accomodate each-other

Where ’she’ is single for the ENTIRE soccer-season cos ‘he’ refuses to food-shop it is only FAIR ‘he’ provides something [NOT washing] in-return

Most people grow older over-time; gaining-weight… so dumping ‘older-model’…
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

Ok. Um. You’re saying you stop washing while the footy’s on? Bark once for “yes”.

Yup; yah-boo hysterics loosely-based on Brucie-show [wonderful-audience, so-much better than last-week] is no-way to run-a-country

Why does it take ‘centuries’ to pass a given-law? Those who like the sound of their own-voice belong on a wooden-box with the ‘end-of-the-world’ nutters in public-parks

Simple-laws, written in-English, require little-more than a paragraph or two
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

I picked that one out because I think I can nearly tell what he’s trying to say. It looks like a moment of awful clarity as Stephen clings to the crumbling edifice of his sanity like Frodo to Mount Doom. From this terrible vantage point of self-knowledge, he stares into the fractal abyss and understands that he’s about to tumble into it once again, his brain bifurcating like a piece of broccoli. Genuinely fucking terrifying.

Darling akin Brown, Lawson, Lamont… ducked creation of Welfare Bucket [public-sector pensions UK£1+ trillion, pharmaceuticals, residential-care...] that ‘will’ be funded by future-taxation & ‘growth’

Borrowing from Welfare Bucket will allow the unemployed create new-businesses with high-risk low-interest [typically zero-percent] loans; £40k seed-capital shared with banks; dog-walking, fashion-design.

Hiding unemployment by creating local-authority ‘jobs’ does NOT create wealth or growth.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

… right. Yeah.

Um.

Shall we go for a walk in the park? Yeah? Ok. That’s right, yes, you can stand on your wooden box.