spEak You're bRanes

Our old friend BC/CB is back on Twitter again. This is as much as I got before I couldn’t be arsed with him clogging up my feed any more and stopped following him. It’s worth a look though. You see, while his fiction is wide-ranging and his HYS posts are limited to specific topics, on twitter, flickr and his own website, he can really get to grips with his true passion – the environment.

Remember 40 degrees.. That is what the temperature will be when you will start to think …Is there somethind awfully wrong?

I’m not sure I’m warm enough to understand what this means.

You can always keep warm, but it is very difficult to keep cool is it not? Do not think for a minute that i am a doom monger rabbiting on.

It’s very illuminating though. Cuger sounds like how climate change sceptics must imagine the rest of us think. It’s like looking in a pig-headed, gullible mirror that keeps wanting to yell at science.

At this point in my personal crusade, I must confess, I just feel, what the heck, get on with it! If it was not for my children I would…

Just let things exponentially evolve and try and survive when most of the population are dying from heat exhaustion..

Yes it is cold, but. Remember those childhood summers of blue skies, white clouds, the seaside..ect..WELL..Forget them!

Mediterranean summers, Mediterranean fruits growing in our English countryside, vineyards galore… Forget them….

Pestilence, disease, immigrants running from desolate equatorial countries, to descend upon us will be the new Garden of Eden.

Don’t believe me? Happy with your hedonistic little lives? You all have a new beginning awaiting..

See, this is really handy. I reckon if we want to win round the fucknut right to this whole “stop making the world warmer before we break it and die in a stinky frozen-methane fireball” thing, we just need to threaten them with a few boatfuls of Africans. Oh yeah, SYB shout-out coming up!

By the way. Stop slagging off my books! Especially when you have not read them (worst, have not bought one). You sycophantic blog followers!

See you next time!!

Pleasure to know you’re a fan Bruce. I’m guessing you self-googled your way here.

Something about the economy or something.

For heaven’s sake, BBC, stop peddling the ‘recession over’ line and talking about our economic problems as if they were in the past. This is all part of the Clown/Starling conspiracy to try to make us feel better before the election, whereas those of us who live in the real world know only too well that our problems are far from over. We won’t even be making a start on the road to recovery until 7th May; until then, please stop your government-driven propaganda.

Douglas Lee, London

Starling? Who the fucking cock is fucking Starling? Is it some kind of sideways reference to Josef Stalin, Soviet leader 1878-1953, but with an ‘r’ and a ‘g’ jammed in there so it’s an entirely different word? Is it the bird? I don’t know that much about birds. Are starlings like magpies, but for taxes instead of shiny stuff? Are they notorious as the absolute worst bird at overseeing a national economy? Or is it, as I suspect, that tedious moron Douglas Lee is physically incapable of either calling a politician by their real name or thinking up an even slightly witty substitute for ‘Darling’?

I’m just fed up with this. I sometimes assume Harriet’s surname means ‘son of Harper’ before realising that if that actually was her name I wouldn’t ever get to read it. Every time I summon up the masocourage to look at a right-wing blog and see if I’ve not been wrong all along, I have to waste twenty minutes of my precious life ploughing through the sixty-two latest hilarious incarnations of Comrade (Has-)Bean Jocksky Bottler McLeonidBrezhnev Tartantits One-Eyed Idiot Barry “Bagpipe” Soetero Haggisface until I finally get to some lazy variation on “McBroon” and work out it must be the Prime Minister.

Though I suppose they’re just as stumped when they read ‘Gordon Brown’.

Old one from “Is Pakistan losing control?”

Yes I am, and said as much on this recycled question nearly a year ago, on a now disappeared(along with my many other posts) post. However Pakistan is losing the plot and the concerted efforts of the militants is bearing fruit. Noone even in the west is taking world terrorision seriously, more resources to combat this evil is needed along with long term plans to counter theirs. We will Know all about it if Pakistan falls to these people with their brand of religious fervour going nuclear.
Ron C, Northwest, United Kingdom

Your HYS opinions have disappeared?? Tell me you kept copies Ron??? TELL ME YOU KEPT COPIES??? RON?????

We’ve already showcased some of the more hysterical, racist and impractical suggestions for “improving” airport “security”, but what do the pants-pooing mentals think? Here’s our old chum Stephen Dawson to speak for them.

Paper-panties, cloth-gowns & slippers available TODAY in hospitals; removing ALL clothes [returned post-landing] with intimate body-search inevitable ‘price-worth-paying’

NO hand-luggage, duty-free should be allowed in the passenger-cabin; those willing to-die on-board should NOT be confused with the IRA…

Cargo-luggage should be treated as freight; collected & moved to ‘bonded-ware-house’ for examination weeks, if not months, before EVERY flight.

HomelandSecDB…; choice-of-one.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom
RECOMMENDED BY: 4 people

Four people? FOUR PEOPLE? Four people, you are wasting your time on HYS if you can decode this into a statement that can be agreed or disagreed with. You need to be at GCHQ monitoring terrorist chatter. Four people, in a very real sense, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab made it onto that plane because of YOU.

(Also, every plane to have designated “grumble seats” where Stephen Dawson can sit in his paper panties thinking about Summer Glau.)

I think Betrand Russell might just fit into every category we have except ‘miscellaneous prats’ and ‘normal people’. I found him grumbling about pregnant women. Turns out he also feels rather strongly about global warming:

Some say the world is warming, some say the world is cooling. Does it really matter?

Betrand Russell

It does to me. I need to know whether to ask for flip-flops for Christmas or save up to buy a duffel coat this summer.

I am interesed in global warming and science fiction, which are linked, so I have given myself a series of names as a tribute to my heroes. Does this make me, what the kids nowadays call ‘a geek?’

Betrand Russell

I must confess, I’m not down with the lingo. Is ‘geek’ like ‘credulous self-aggrandising gobshite who skim-read one book, agreed with a bit of it and decided he wanted to ride around the thickest regions of internet on the coat-tails of the great philosophers’? If it is, you’re pulling off that “geek-chic” thing fabulously.

Hasn’t history told us again and again that religious intolerance never works?!

Cindy Chaplin, Coggeshall

I agree. I’m off to build a Catholic cathedral in Karachi. I am sure they will be very tolerant there.

Betrand Russell

Good point. Off you go. But I warn you, the local Archbishop don’t like no competition, so don’t come crying to me when the St Patrick’s mob kneecap you and take your grey lego bricks.

Do you know how many refugees the UK accepted last year?

It was 697.

Is all this HYS anger and paranoia really justified?

Col, uk

Why is it that they all appear to be living in my street? Why do people believe the figures of this government?

Betrand Russell

It’s an optical illusion Bettie. The same Somali passes you on the street and says ‘good morning’ several times a week, but it looks like lots because it happens at different times in different places and he’s wearing different clothes.

Anyway, on the basis of this last comment, I think I’ve managed to diagnose Betrand Russell. You see, he’s naturally sceptical of any kind of authority. Facts, statistics, massive buildings right there in front of you, however incontrovertible they may seem, if the pro-government, BBC-run forces of Scientific Consensus want you to believe it, it follows ergo QED that the opposite must be true. Like, for example, the Hollywood Establishment will tell you it was “just an actor”, that they used “special effects” and that he might recently have “died” of “cancer”, but do they really think you’re too stupid to see through that?

Patrick Swayze will live forever as his character in ‘Ghost.’

Betrand Russell

Unless they shoot him for his views on Anthropogenic Global Warming, that is.

Thanks to Glenn for finding the last of these comments and introducing me to the techni-crabstick world of Stephen Dawson. It seems a few of you have emailed examples of his confusion before and Kelvin has used a few of them. I guess this just proves that, sometimes for weeks at a time, I can barely bring myself to open any SYB emails. Sorry about that *.

*I may not actually be sorry about that.

It’d be unfair of me to tell you what subjects Stephen was commenting on as the poor fucker obviously has no idea himself.

must be love and it must be blind…
Perfect OrdinaryMan, Weymouth, United Kingdom

Love is blind, marriage is a real eye-opener

Washing, showering, clean-clothes… are part of the MATING-RITUAL; once a-couple it is down to the duo to accomodate each-other

Where ‘she’ is single for the ENTIRE soccer-season cos ‘he’ refuses to food-shop it is only FAIR ‘he’ provides something [NOT washing] in-return

Most people grow older over-time; gaining-weight… so dumping ‘older-model’…
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

Ok. Um. You’re saying you stop washing while the footy’s on? Bark once for “yes”.

Yup; yah-boo hysterics loosely-based on Brucie-show [wonderful-audience, so-much better than last-week] is no-way to run-a-country

Why does it take ‘centuries’ to pass a given-law? Those who like the sound of their own-voice belong on a wooden-box with the ‘end-of-the-world’ nutters in public-parks

Simple-laws, written in-English, require little-more than a paragraph or two
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

I picked that one out because I think I can nearly tell what he’s trying to say. It looks like a moment of awful clarity as Stephen clings to the crumbling edifice of his sanity like Frodo to Mount Doom. From this terrible vantage point of self-knowledge, he stares into the fractal abyss and understands that he’s about to tumble into it once again, his brain bifurcating like a piece of broccoli. Genuinely fucking terrifying.

Darling akin Brown, Lawson, Lamont… ducked creation of Welfare Bucket [public-sector pensions UK£1+ trillion, pharmaceuticals, residential-care...] that ‘will’ be funded by future-taxation & ‘growth’

Borrowing from Welfare Bucket will allow the unemployed create new-businesses with high-risk low-interest [typically zero-percent] loans; £40k seed-capital shared with banks; dog-walking, fashion-design.

Hiding unemployment by creating local-authority ‘jobs’ does NOT create wealth or growth.
Stephen Dawson, Manchester, United Kingdom

… right. Yeah.

Um.

Shall we go for a walk in the park? Yeah? Ok. That’s right, yes, you can stand on your wooden box.

When I read something like this it reminds me that these aren’t just simpletons. These are cretinous, self-absorbed ball-bags, proud of their dogmatic commitment to “not having the first fucking clue about anything, ever”. That shit takes skill. To be consistently wrong every time you express an opinion is not something a complete ignoramus could manage. Stabbing randomly at stuff would more or less guarantee that you occasionally get something right. These cunts perform way above chance. Let’s not give them too much credit though, it’s pretty straightforward once you realise the simple trick behind it: You simply start out believing things that are actually self-contradictory. Doesn’t much matter which direction you head from there does it?

Even if you get angry about Labour’s creeping privatisation of health and education, you trip over your tits and end up concluding that this is because of their commitment to Marxist ideology and a desire to destroy Britain FOREVER. After another ten minutes of fruitless, sweaty staggering through the space of “all impossible opinions” you’ve fallen in the metaphorical canal and accidentally swallowed a pint of poisonous water and a racist condom. By the time you crawl out you’re covered in a thick layer of slimy misogyny and are convinced that the government is colluding with the BBC to “dumb down Englishness” (whatever the squirmy fuck that might actually mean) as part of their plan to elect Sandi Toksvig as the new unelected Caliph of Europe. Makes sense when you think about it.

Does a politician’s class matter?

There are only two classes: workers and shirkers.

The Conservatives represent the former, and Labour the latter.

Unfortunately, these days, it seems that the latter are more numerous.
David Owen, Newport

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but the Tories have recently lurched to the right and are now all but indistinguishable from Labour (this happened yesterday while you were putting in an honest day’s toil down at t’open-plan hot-desking environment).

There might be a few peers left who’ll stick up for the common man. Apparently, despite his wealth and fame, Alan Sugar still dons a helmet and goes down his sugar-mine every day!

Thanks to Kate for finding our old friend Rhys Jaggar commenting on an Independent article about shouting at your boss.

rhysjaggar:
Tuesday, 24 November 2009 at 10:08 am (UTC)

What if the boss is a sadist?

It’s all very well shouting at them.

But if they have:
i. the power to provide a rubbish reference when you try and leave;
ii. a subliminal hatred of men due to poor fathering;
iii. a deep complex of jealousy allied to a need for fawning admiration;

then it’s a brave or a foolish person who shouts at them.

And it’s a brave person who resigned the previous job to challenge a new boss in under a year. And they will know that.

This is the option for the idealist state where principled decision-making takes place.

It’s extremely dangerous in a dog-eat-dog, heartless and amoral culture where taking a stand leads to ostracism.

I’ll let you decide which society prevails in Britain right now……

I dunno Rhys. It’s dangerous to draw conclusions from anecdotal evidence, especially when there’s only one completely hypothetical anecdote about the time a completely hypothetical person (let’s call him “Thick Jagger” for now) got sacked for being a bell-end.

Last time I used one of Rhys’s comments he found it while googling himself. Then he emailed me to let me know his thoughts on the matter. Would anyone like to see the email? You would? Well, here it is, in all its deranged glory. Oh, the subject line was “Are you a human being utterly without conscience or integrity?”, which made me wonder if I’d actually met him some time. Anyway…

Dear ‘Nelson’

I write to congratulate you on your truly stupendous website, containing as it does an unending smorgasbord of derision, hatred, mirth, crass rudeness and self-certitude of your superior humanity and morality.

One wonders whether you take a plunge outside America to determine whether others share your opinions?

I am sure that you would agree that if killing Iraqis is ‘acceptable collateral damage’, then killing yours is too. Assuming any woman had been conned into marrying you before she detected your self-hatred masked by American patriotism?

I am sure that you are painfully exact in your research to determine whether my statements of monitoring in a country 3000 miles from yours are accurate or caused by ‘delusions of grandeur’. I would greatly enjoy NOT being monitored and as a scientist carried out significant experiments to determine that fact.

I am sure that if we wanted to get rid of George W Bush, that killing 100,000 of your citizens would be acceptable to you, wouldn’t it? WOULDN’T IT??

I am sure that you consider US spying on all countries to steal the hard work generated there is SITUATION NORMAL, isn’t it? Presumably you are equally laudatory of criminals who steal your life’s assets and then bung the insurance company to refuse to pay you a single cent in return??

I am sure that you run a successful humane business without exploiting anyone and that you are the first to feed beggars on the street, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU??

Perhaps you fought in Iraq and are embittered?? I engaged peacefully to try and stop that war, not because I think Saddam was acceptable, but because murdering people for oil was not the way to change it. Is that a crime??

I really don’t care who you are, but I would request that your website eliminate all reference to me and I would request that the three UK politicians this is cc’ed to might respectfully request that Mr Obama shut your site down and send you to become an international ambassador for peace in the Middle East.

Since you are clearly so superior to all those who try to engage that the whole problem would be gone in 6 months, wouldn’t it?

And the USA would be admired by the whole world, wouldn’t it?

Buddy boy…………

I didn’t notice until I got to the end bit about Mr Obama, but Rhys had actually CC’d the email to David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Hilary Benn. For real. That put the fear up me good n proper, as you can imagine. So, I packed a few basic supplies and then went into hiding for a bit. It was pretty lonely in hiding, in a hut up in the hills of North Dakota all on my own. I’d have invited the missus to come with me but I was worried that Mr Obama would use the full resources of the CIA to come and put an end to my disgraceful existence and I just didn’t want her getting mixed up in that shit. Also, they would probably have turned me into an international ambassador for peace in the Middle East and she hates international ambassadors for peace, wherever they live.

As the weeks passed, my terror began to give way to a feeling of smug satisfaction as I realised that I might have given them the slip. I began to leave my secret shelter more and more often and sometimes would stroll brazenly into town and buy a pack of mini scotch eggs or a bottle of dandelion and burdock, cackling to myself all the while. After a couple of months I reasoned that the heat might be easing up (I’d starting talking to myself using that kind of cop-show jargon, it just felt right at the time) and so I turned up back home again with a bristly face. I’d been trying to grow a beard as a disguise but, even after weeks without shaving I looked more like a hairy chicken or maybe one of those sad, wispy orangutans they’re always rescuing from forest fires. Incidentally, are there any other blokes out there over the age of 30 whose beards don’t fucking join up yet? I mean, how old do I have to get before I can grow a beard that doesn’t look like some desperate wispy attempt to prove I’m old enough to buy a drink? Anyway, I can’t give away all my secrets, just in case Rhys sets Interpol on me and I have to go back into hiding. Suffice it to say that, if you’re pretty careful about footprints and keep your DNA under your hat, even Mr Obama finds you very hard to track.

Now that I come to think about it, it occurs to me that Nick Clegg, David Cameron and Hilary Benn might simply have dismissed Rhys’s furious missive as the whirly-brained fantasies of a self-important, tinfoil mentalist. It would certainly explain why I’m still at large.

I noticed recently that Atom John is back, gamely sharing his bright beige opinions about everything, ever.

There are so many days and weeks dedicated to different people and causes that they have all become meaningless.

Except for Christmas and Easter.
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

Just in case it showed up in the Lord’s RSS feed.

I’ve missed John. It’s his kind of idiotic, everynob pronouncements that make HYS entertaining. I always imagine him looking all goggly-eyed and enthusiastically deranged, like this:

Here he is in the Berlin Wall thread, apparently auditioning for a job presenting the next obsequious BBC history documentary.

The Destruction of the Iron Curtain was just another step in Germany’s march to win, by peace, that which it could not win by warfare.
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

Nice try, but you’re up against that nauseating, slimy bumgrape Andrew Marr . He’d dress up in a bunny-girl outfit and do a 12 month stint as the House of Commons resident human bidet if he thought it would get him a couple of millimetres closer to the honours list.

Nuclear power?

Um – Where else would our energy come from?

I would prefer that every newborn be given a personal, nuclear-energy-pack which would provide power to heat feed and transport a person for the whole of his life.

The day is coming!
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

It’s either that or wireless laser-hats.

Shock confession from our old friend [mugged_as_mp_laughs].

Well, I realised the importance of education, got my GCE ‘A’ levels, got several good telecomms jobs (because I had a ‘brain’), bought my modest house, saved a lot for the future and retired at 51.

Keep working ? You’re having a laugh.

Keep LEARNING more like.

Now when I wake up each day, I say to myself, ‘What shall I buy today ? or ‘which holiday shall I book ?’.

Best of all, I contribute ZERO income tax to this broken country.

Life is good.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Golden rule of tax bores. Never, ever, EVER admit you don’t actually pay taxes. It really, really fucks your shit up. Observe:

Ms Lane Fox, the UK’s Digital Inclusion Champion

Who ?????

How much am I paying for this waste of space ?

Did we elect her ?

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Nothing. You don’t pay income tax, remember? Assuming you leave your house long enough to walk on the pavement and use a pelican crossing, you’re most likely a net drain on the public purse, albeit a middle-class one who can spell. This “waste of space”, unlike you, actually puts into the kitty and does something mildly productive with her time. The real question is how much she is paying for you. Because the poor woman’s clearly getting ripped off.

Man that felt good. Shall we have another one?

Actually. the Tunnel AND Bridge were FULLY paid for by us years ago, and I believe ALL the toll fees now go to benefit Essex and Kent County Councils.

So when it is sold, it will be a double whammy for them.

So much for helping the people.

Brown is such a child when it comes to Business.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Did you know Tagalog has two forms of ‘we’; one including the listener and one not? Well [mugged_as_mp_laughs] has gone even further and developed a form of ‘us’ that doesn’t include the speaker.

And from just where does the UK Gov’t obtain it’s funding?

[lorderkules], Leeds .

Actually, It’s ME !!!!!

One of the millions of hard working mugs who are forced to pay taxes to prop up this pathetic third world country.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

This “ME !!!!!”… It’s a long shot maybe, but it wouldn’t, by any chance, mean “other people” would it?

Well, thats another 57 MILLION pounds (the cost of setting it up) of OUR money gone then.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

Excuse me, I’m sorry, whose money?

Personally, I don’t feel it is a UK Government responsibility to give OUR money to any foreign country.

If someone came to my house and demanded money to give to Oxfam, I would soon tell them where to get off.

I choose to give my money to UK Animal charities.

How DARE the Government deign to decide for me what to do with my charitable disposable income ?

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

You should try withholding income tax, like Noam Chomsky. You’d probably adjust to it quite easily.

State Pension at 66 in 2016 ?????

Well that’s everybody’s vote under the age of 59 lost then.

They’ve certainly lost mine.

I thought the Tories were going to help working single people.

Oh and STOP child benefit. What the heck is that for ?

Surely if you have a child, you have already planned its financing until 18 years of age.

[mugged_as_mp_laughs]

I’m not sure that’s how having children works. Incidentally, what do you care about working single people? None of them are you.

I am literally itching waiting for this guy to use “hard-working taxpayers” as if he actually is one. ‘Cos you know it’ll happen. Man that’ll be good.