spEak You're bRanes

We get occasional tips about The Register. If you don’t know it, think of it as being like Private Eye for the IT industry. There’s lots of worthy stuff about things that absolutely no-one could care about after the discovery of the opposite sex, but they sprinkle funny stuff around it to keep you reading.

Here’s a recent example. In brief, an Australian man has admitted to drunkenly inserting the line

DD Cup breasts, slim waist, tight twat

into the requirements of a job advertisement. He owned up to it and apologised, the ad was fixed and his boss decided to leave it at that, saying:

he got on the turps one night and it went from there. He fully understands what he has done and he’s very remorseful.

What a wonderful display of the Aussie sense of pragmatism. Wouldn’t you agree, intelligent IT professionals who like humour?

Sanity Prevails!
Good to see they saw the funny side.. And take the right attitude (nobody hurt, so it’s all good).. This, in the good ol’ days used to be called “Mischief.”. And mischief has always been seen as a great way to vent stresses and woes in a harmless way..

Yet here in the UK, this would probably have been enough to have the bloke locked away and on every database in sight, with a permanent Social Services tail to make sure he follows the party line.

Come back the days of sanity and mischief!

Juillen 1

He comes out of the traps well, straight into a nice patronising explanation of exactly what you just read in the story, but just as he’s getting into his stride whining about a situation that only exists in his head, he goes and balls it all up by ending short on a positive note. Can anyone take the ball and run with it?

Imagine if that happened in Britain
It’s nice to see this man’s boss didn’t take any action against him for posting that advert, or the Australian police didn’t arrest him, a government minister didn’t get involved, or random members of the public didn’t try to sue him for being sexist.

All of the above would no doubt take place if such a “mistake” was made in Britain.

Gary F

Gary F picks up the cross and involves both the government and the general public in a lovely little rhetorical shimmy, has a nice miserablist finish, but he just can’t put it away. Who’s in the box?

Brilliant!
no, not the planker who did it, the whole Aussie attitude!

“oops, sorry, I was pissed”. “OK, never mind, we understand”.

Compare that to what would happen here “oops sorry, I was pissed”. “Constable, add ‘using a computer while under the influence of drink or drugs’ to the charges of sexism, using offensive language in a pulic, erm, publication, and assaulting a police officer…” “But I haven’t assaul OWWWW!” “…and damaging a police table with his head. Sign this”. “What is OWWWWW!” “The sex offenders register”
Ian 54

AND HE’S DONE IT! An absolutely virtuoso display of misanthropy there from Ian 54. He’s on the end of Gary F’s lob, chesting it down with immediate disapproval of the “planker” in the story, and then dodges the defenders by showing a glimmer of appreciation for the Aussie attitude, but it’s all a feint! The approval’s only there so he can swivel on the eighteen-yard line and slam it home with a fever dream stitch-up straight from the depths of his imagination, with an assist from a decades-old episode of Not The Nine O’Clock News. What a dream goal’s come to him like a meteorite from a gift horse’s mouth. I mean, you literally could not make that up. Alan?

Old post, I forget the topic. Not that it ever really matters.

UK at that time had invaded and enslaved 70 countries. My grandpa who was barely a teenager at the time spent a couple of nights in Churchill’s prison for listening to a German broadcast while Churchill was waging a war for freedom of speech.

Ali Kazmi, Rawalpindi, Pakistan

Well perhaps your grandfather shouldn’t have been a traitor against “the forces of democracy and liberalism”, as Nehru himself called the British-Indian armies fighting against Nazi and Japanese totalitarianism, eh?

[hubertgrove]

That’s YOU told Ali KAZMI. Answer THAT one, QUISLING. Yeah.

Silly HYS moderators, it’s still 9 days until Christmas. Why have you gone and given every bigot with internet access an early present?

Homosexuals should not be executed. But homosexuality should be recognised for what it is – a perversion of natural sexual relations. Instead in our Godless humanistic society it is almost now being given some sort of protected and elevated status.Homosexual marriage is a travesty and an abomination. As is homosexuals in leadership positions in the church. One sign of a decaying society is the legitimising and the widespread practice of homosexuality.One of the major reasons for the fall of Rome

The Rev Oik, Reading

This is a nice little comment, it’s like a Milk Race of all the standard homophobe’s arguments. Particularly nice is the way “protected and elevated” actually means “equal to everyone else.”

I believe if you asked most “straight” men they would tell you they find homosexual acts abhorrent but you would find few that would advocated executing homosexuals.

We did have legislation in this country but it was removed by parliament.

However I do think it is too much ” in your face” these days ,ably assisted by the BBC – you just have to look at some of their presenters.But I suppose diversity brownie points are the route to promotion

[prettygrumpy]

And that’s the problem with equality, isn’t it. Someone will always game the system. If you can’t take the Konnie Huq route of blacking up with Bisto, and you find wheelchairs too uncomfortable, you can always just chug down a cock or two and sail your way into BBC management.

The basic act of homosexuality may be abhorent to some, but apparently it is not this one act the constitutes homosexuality, as practioners would have you believe it is a cultural/lifestyle thing that is totally in keeping with the 21st century. It is though based solely on this one act, and doesn’t merit “rights”.
The death penalty – no. Just pay more taxes than hetros.

The Big Fish, Stockport, United Kingdom

Great idea there, The Big Fish, but what happens when they get sick of taxation without representation and refuse to pay the tariff? It starts with the Boston Bumsex Party, then they’ll have a revolutionary war, then before you know it they’ve gained independence and they’re the major economic superpower on the planet. With fabulous hair to boot.

I LIKE PARKING. I wish I could park wherever I want, but I can’t because of PC. I want to park right near the supermarket, because I am very busy and have lots of important opinions to disseminate. But I can’t, because I’m not disabled. So why should some oversized sprog-factory have it any better?

More politcally correct nonsense that will cost millions and be widely abused. Why doesn’t this government do something useful and face up to the desperate financial state they have left us in rather than come up social engineering projects like this?

Betrand Russell

You can’t be the real Bertrand Russell. The real B.R. would never use the term ’social engineering’ without mentioning the special spaces for one-legged pregnant black lesbians with small refugee children in a Muslim wheelchair.

Pregnant women are already set to raid my pay packet via the tax system, I would rather they did not take up parking spaces as well.

Maxell Fellows

It’s a good point Maxwell, but as always, isn’t the root of the problem really just other people existing in general?

Another great idea of Britains namby pamby outlook on life.Pregnency is a wonderful thing in life,not a illness,people used to say only in America,thats changed to only in the U K,pathetic.

Mark Wilson, Bracknell

Wonderful’s right! It’s that beautiful kind of “pregnant glow” they get about them, isn’t it? I know it’s only sweat, but there’s still something magical there. So it stands to reason that they’ll only get more lovely the further you make them haul the shopping.

I bet it’s the blokes who disagree ! Ever tried waddling around and manoeuvring in the last months of pregnancy ? Yes, of course they should. Be kind.
[smilingparrotfan]

Then send your partner or a friend.
Men dont have it easier than women. You wouldnt let us
wayne, lancashire

Does it feel better now? All that burning anger from reading the words ‘women’ and ‘given’, has it subsided, or will you need to punch something and have another wank?

In the mid 70’s my wife worked as a delivery driver driving one of the old style mini vans – they were small!

She was in and out of that van all the time all day long. She worked up to the week before she gave birth to our second son.

We used to laugh as she tried to get in and out from behind the wheel, but thought nothing of it.

Now children are being overly mollycoddled, let’s not start on the mothers to be.

Brown Fitz Darling, Ripoff, United Kingdom

We should be raising our pregnant women to ‘ave a sense of discipline, by ‘eck. Why, back when I were a lad I’d send me pregnant mother five miles int’ snow wi’ no shoes on just to take a book I ‘adn’t read back t’ library, then when she came back I’d punch her int’ stomach. Never did me any ‘arm.

Christmas light switch-ons are quintessentially British, aren’t they. Not in the Nick Griffin indigenous racists way, but in the sense that they’re a bit shambolic and crap and low-rent and you’re ashamed to be seen enjoying one but even so they give you a little warm glow inside. Because even if we are a nation whose influence on the world stage is waning, even if we all have to wear sacks and eat glue while the bankers get to ride us like horseys, we can still do something to make the kids smile.

I don’t know what the opposite of the word ‘excelled’ is, but Belfast certainly did that this year – with some anonymous person dressed as Bob the Builder. ‘It’s for the children,’ someone shouted when I called the City Council cheapskates – as if a 21st century child would be fooled by someone in a Bob the Builder outfit. I think a slightly larger crowd might have turned out for Jim Carrey, Mariah Carey or Alexandra Burke.
Kevin, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Yeah, Belfast council, pull your finger out! If you’re going to get Bob The Builder, get the real Bob The Builder. If they start animating him in August he could press the button right on the dot! Or better still, just get in someone that Kevin from Belfast can have a wank over.

You’re the captain of a Royal Navy tanker. You see a British couple being kidnapped by Somali pirates. You crew isn’t trained for such a situation, and wouldn’t be able to attack anyway without putting the couple in danger. What do you do? According to the comments on this MSN thread, you KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!

And, with the same cavalier disregard for relevance as you’d have for the safety of the innocent, you might also sieze the opportunity to do yet another stream-of-consciousness belch about Everything That Is Wrong With This Country, right in the internet’s face. Thanks to Pete.

Like the rest of this country under Gordon Brown the Royal Navy is hide bound by stupid health and safety regulations. Bring back Vian and the cry ‘The Navy’s here’ when they boarded the Altmark in Norwegian waters to rescue the British prisoners held aboard her.
Phil Adwick

Fucking Gordon Brown, can’t stop messing around with the Royal Navy, constantly wandering into their headquarters at three in the morning, naked but for a pair of socks and a floral hat, waving around pieces of paper with yet more stupid health and safety regulations on them, stupid health and safety regulations such as:

• Don’t fire on civilians!
• Try not to endanger the lives of civilians!
• Don’t kill civilians! Especially when trying to rescue them!

Something must be done to halt these blatant acts of piracy. As an ex military man my response would be to destroy every craft on the Somali shoreline and every craft on the South Yemen shoreline if they support these criminals. If that proves insufficient then level Somalia to glass, leave nothing. They think life is cheap….then let us make theirs so.
Lurcher

That dishonourable discharge still rankles, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately the lawyers run the asylum, where people in authority know it is better to play safe than act. Nobody will sack the captain (teacher, policeman, doctor, electrician) for doing nothing. It’s doing something which leaves you vulnerable to the blood sucking lawyers and the judges. Judges who claim their judgements seem ridiculous but ‘their hands are tied’. Kids sue teachers, yobs sue anyone who intervenes, burglars sue the home owner. Captains of Navy ships would rather see an old couple be dragged off by ruthless pirates than risk making a mistake. And I’d have done the same. Britain is in a hell of a mess, getting worse each generation.
wshrtbe

I think washitterbee must keep this comment on a text file somewhere, and just copies it into any thread he/she/it blunders into, with some token reference to the actual topic clumsily stapled to its balls.

But there’s an interesting twist. Check out the admisson that: “I’d have done the same”. I think this basically translates as: “this country is a massive shitbasket of cowardice and opportunism, and I’m as much to blame as anybody. When is someone else going to come and make it better again?”

Well, we were waiting for you to sort it, wooshtibrubber. But you let us down and now we want blood. You might’ve heard a knock at the door just now – that’s the Royal Navy come to blow your face off with a massive battleship on wheels. Apparently you’re exempt under the stupid health and safety regulations.

I found the “Should respectable middle-class parents be allowed to cheat the system so their gifted children don’t have to mix with oiks and foreigners?” debate and thought it would be a good hunting ground, but then I lost it. Thanks to Alex for helping me find it again. I didn’t realise it would be this fertile. Typical offering:

This country is run by lunatics!

I dont blame ANY parent who attempts to cheat the system if it’s in the best intrest for their child!

When we dont have major problems with crime, illegal wars, illegal immigrants, anti social behaviour, a broken justice system, lack of prisons, bent politicians and banks widdling our money away THEN and only then will I worry it! Somone who wants the best for their child shouldnt have to face this “idiocracy”.

Adam Stasiak, Darlington

Yeah BBC, before you go laying into parents for illegally trying to set their kids up for a better life, why not sort out lawbreakers, all those MPs and bankers fiddling the system, and all those foreigners using public services they’re not entitled to. Also Adam, I’m not sure if you know what the word ‘idiocracy’ means, but I wouldn’t write it off if I were you, as ultimately it really could work in your favour.

Why wouldn’t a loving parent with the best interests of their child at heart, be prepared to scam their way into a decent school, when the corrupt government which presides over us thinks nothing of stealing millions of pounds of taxpayers cash a year without a care of retribution?

If it’s good for the pigs in Westminster, it’s good for the rest of us to be as corrupt.

Withnail Xtreme, Camden Town

Can you just give it a rest for five minutes? There is other news you know.

As working hard citizens exploided by this corrupt, champagne socialist goverment our only weapon to defend us is cheating as much as we can with the school system, with taxes, with smoking in some venues, the comunist TV license, etc. I´m cheating and I will forever until this circus full of clowns AKA NuLabour dissapears forever.

jono onos, London

Note how Alex’s find, in his rage at Britain’s government and institutions, is not just totally, utterly and furiously indifferent to the existence of a single other human being on the planet, but, with all that unrelated crap about the fag ban and the telly-tax, we also have a rare case of someone whose incoherent torrent of bile actually required a bit of padding out.

Uh Oh- I feel another nulabour draconian legislation coming on. Council officials are about to be given the power to strip search a parent and send them to jail for fifteen years after bugging their house and following them with a video camera to prove that they have committed the heinous crime of trying to give their child a better education.

[ash101437]

You’ve got a colourful imagination Ash, I’ll grant you, but you’re up against some heavyweights in the dystopian novel genre, and there’s also a lot of bantam-weight competition just on BBC Have Your Say. Do you really think you can pull this one off?

Thanks to Sarah for wading through this humming toilet of impotent rage to find this…

I have never hit a woman in my life: but if I was attacked by one by the time I was finished with her she would be begging me to kill her. The misery I would put on someone who attacked me or anyone in my family would be so profound, so horrible, that they would prefer death over the pain and agony that I would inflict upon their body. If you think that I am too cruel, look to what you have become over there, across the pond. Youths who have nothing better to do than run around attacking people. Every day I read yet another article here at the Daily Mail, and, yes, we have the same problems here. But we know how to end the problem: lock them up for the rest of their natural life. Then they won’t have anyone to attack except each other. Forget about them. Don’t bring on the “Human Rights” bit, I respect the human rights of the victim, not those of the attacker.
Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA

Guess which of these statements is correct:

1. Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA is a man who doesn’t fuck about.
2. Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA is caught in the dark, wintry hinterland between civilised society and the point at which humanity shatters – whereupon a man becomes an implacable, jerking beast of vengeance in a world of screams – and one day something’s going to push him over the edge and then we’ll be sorry, like with Michael Douglas in that film or something.
3. Richard Matthews, Arkansas USA is a mild-mannered IT professional who wasn’t breastfed.

Blah blah prisons yadda yadda something about crime thingummy VICTIMS!? I’m sure you can guess what’s coming.

In one of the Arab nations a child rapist and murderer of more than one child is to be beheaded and crucified. You can scream barbaric all you want but can anyone say he will be free to do this again or tax payers money spent keeping him and pandering to his human rights etc . If we could live the last moments of Sarah Payne’s life and then feel what her parents have felt and what they have been through our views would be somewhat different or have I missed something ?

Grant, Luton

Sharia for Britain. Duly noted.

Nice comfy cells, full sky tv subscriptions, the latest computer games, better meals than our children. This is what criminals get! Isnt prison supposed to punish the criminal not keep them entertained until they get released?!

Have them cleaning up our dirty streets, clearing motorway abnkings like they do in the US! Or even better a cell with just a bed and a bucket and bearly enough space to stand. That’ll sort out overcrowding.

Prison shouldnt be a time-out penalty box!

[bigo93], Bradford, United Kingdom

And sentences should be longer than just two mere halves of a paltry forty-five minutes each! That’s what you’re getting at, right?

I saw a report that said prisons were issuing hotel style satisfaction questionnaires in order that their standards didn;t slip! Erh, what about the needs of the poor sole they robbed, beat up, maimed or killed? Did anyone give them a questionnaire to complete in order to find out if their needs had been met?
More criminals should be imprisoned, especially habitual criminals.
Unless there are at least 6 to a cell, then there is no overcrowding.

lizben, Luton

I can well understand your anger lizben. Maybe you could find some small comfort by reading a report that says every night, a dirty great unicorn flies in through the window and bum-rapes the quivering prisoners with it’s magic giant cactus-cock.

We’ve tried being nice to criminals. It clearly doesn’t work.
It’s time the hard liners were given a try. Let them have fifty years to see if the tough approach works.
Public flogging for minor crimes like vandalism.
Hard labour for major crimes like burglary.
Hanging for murder.
Prison time should be hard time. When a criminal breaks down and wets himself as his sentence is read out, THEN the system is working again.

See Dubya, Liverpool

I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to read this post. Screw the victims, it’s all about my erection.

I’m not a reasonable man. Even so, if a friend told me that he’d had the zany idea of spending the winter months on Eastern Mediterranean Time, I’d probably just think: whatever floats your boat, mate. You fucking loon.

But when the Telegraph’s Charlie Brooks announced that he was doing just that, he was met with pages of vitriol.

Well, vitriol and this… whatever it is (thanks to Katherine)…

What a dysfunctional, miserable, rotten, hate filled, paranoid, fearful country this has become.

There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, that British administration and attitudes cannot make even worse than it already is/was.

Examples are so numerous that they are beginning to rival the spread of some virulent viral pandemic.

The current disastrous state of this benighted land politically, economically, socially and culturally cannot be overstated.

We are ruled by persons who apparently hate us and have betrayed our very national soul, we are inhabited by persons who hate each other, we cannot agree on anything.

Not that the majority are allowed a deciding voice mind (even though they are forced to fund this malevolent extravagance), that is the perogative of our political/administrative masters.

Who in turn appear to be in thrall to either the EU, sinister banking elites, Common Purpose, Frankfurt School adherents, multi-cultural fanatacists, perhaps all of these or indeed anything and everything that is inimical to Britain’s interests and needs.

I have long, long since given up on believing that this is ever going to be addressed by anybody in charge (sic).

Personally I blame the socialists for most of it during my lifetime but to be even handed it cannot be denied that Britain is also suffering from hubris.

The end result of a several hundreds years of treating the general populace as cannon fodder, drones and willing victims allied to cap doffing deference and no choice otherwise.

Unless you were one of the minority who were already privileged, could rise above it via education and hard work or were very lucky.

Those who could not put their trust in those (the socialists) who promised what they could never, ever deliver.

The proverbial silk purse from a sow’s ear as has been irrefutably proven over and over again.

All this against a background of fiscal decline, rising crime, unemployment, non-education and increasing taxation to further impoverish and trap us into submission, with booze, drugs and sex replacing bread and circuses.

Welcome to Dystopia Central formerly known as Great Britain.
Paul (1)

Paul (1) later writes:

I use this bullet style presentation to make my points clear, unambiguous and easy to read.

Stick to Greenwich Mean Time, kids.