spEak You're bRanes

Talkin’ ’bout washroom facilities.

I don’t find it acceptable to refer to the toilet as “washroom facilities” in a British newspaper.
wobinidan

My word, no. “Washroom facilities”? In a British newspaper? How dare you bring your crass Americanisms over here to our fair sceptred isle! This green and pleasant land, this land of hope and glory, of the Dunkirk spirit, Drake’s children, lion-hearted paragons of morality and truth, whenceforth did come the spirit – nay, freedom! – of the evacuation of one’s bowels and the damn near perfect British right to refer to the entire bathroom simply by referring to one of the features in said room! The toilet – the place where you go, curiously enough, not only to take a dump, but also the place you’ll go to wash your hands and have a quick Uncle Doug over the good old British page three stunnas in The Fucking Sun, For Fuck’s Sake. And allow any truly British person to be aghast, astounded and indignant should anyone try and not call it the toilet! For the way of the toilet – that is our British way!

I am aghast and astounded and highly indignant! Aghast, astounded, indignant and thoroughly ashamed that I managed to read that entire article and wasn’t nearly enough of an anally retentive, narrow-viewed, pedantically minded, jingoistic prick to notice that someone referred to the toilet as washroom facilities. Or, would you believe, not possessed of a brain so utterly dulled by a diet of Micro Chips, EastEnders and Simon Cowell brand orange pop that I decide to engage in an argument over the proper British terminology. Is is the toilet, or do we call it the lavatory? It’s so confusing! What’s the etiquette?

Clearly, I’m not British enough for our newspapers if I’m going to let such a gross slur on our national identity get by without remonstration, or even allow the remonstration to go without remonstration. As for the remonstration of the remonstration of the remonstration – well, I’m simply not man enough to go for the requisite eight weeks of continuous Typhoo enemas and intravenous Mr Kipling to get to that level of Britishness. And when you can’t imagine taking eight almond slices in the femoral artery, you know it’s time to move somewhere foreign and try to start again there.

There was a law voted in in Italy in 1988 initiated by the Communists guaranteeing free and unrestricted access to all the bogs in bars in Rome.

The result: all the bogs in bars in Rome suddenly had “Out Of Order” notices on them; the keys kept behind the bar for ‘valued customers.’

The moral of this story? Marxism cannot be introduced through social democracy.

( And the Italians are wily sods )
Gordonbnt

No, I think the moral of the story is that no matter how mundane and ordinary the discussion, there’s always going to be some cunt hanging around capable of reducing even the slowest and most banal of conversations to a geological pace with a demonstrative life story that makes all good and decent people want to kill their own children to save them growing up in the same world as that person. And the ancillary moral is that no matter where you go to escape there’ll always be someone ready to tell you why communism failed and why you’re stupid for not thinking of it

If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside standing in the rain, scrubbing myself vigorously with a toilet brush and singing Land of Hope and Glory until my skin bleeds steak and kidney pudding and I end up the right shade of pasty-white bovine spongiform British to actually be able to participate in the discussion. Cheerio.

Thanks to Nik. Thank you, Nik, for the aneurysm.

Why is it that my ears prick up when I hear a story about the possible extinction of the human race?

It would have landed but word has got around the Universe about speed cameras, parking charges, clampers and road tax. However the little critters that live on it were quite happy about the ability to enter the U.K. without the correct papers !!!
Christopher P

Ah. Yes, that’ll be why. It’ll be because it’s stacked with helmet cheesers of absolutely epic proportions who, astoundingly, would probably go to some lengths to argue exactly how they’re actually quite correct, erudite and amusingly astute, when the reality is that they’re actually just helmet cheesers of even bigger proportions than previously thought. And worse still, not only are they all keen to hand over their shitty, barely thought out opinions, but someone, somewhere, decided that it should all be interactive and we should all have the option of hearing them. Well done, someone, somewhere. You complete cunt.

Slowly, The old man managed to free his trapped leg, He was in what appeared to be a small cave, dust was gently landing on his sore head, a crack of light hit his right eye like a white lazer, he managed to crawl towards the beconing light, Silence was all around, Stifiling was the air, Bruied and battered he approached the #$%$ of light, As his eyes adjusted to the incoming light, It was with a Painful reality he saw utter Desolation, chaos, Destruction,… all was gone, all he had known, gone, What was that noise behind him? another Survivor?…Twisting his body around he Crawled towards the sound,…Whats that, a Face? Yes, I can see a Man’s face, With all his might he moved ever closer to the man at last, at Last Dust ever flowed down onto the old man, not now, surely he won’t die here in this hole,… Closer,…Closer he moved on his elbows toward the man. the man, was a Mirror……I Thank you x
Justice

Oh, fuck off.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: there is no reason for the people commenting on this article to exist. At all. Not just the comments – the actual people. I’m absolutely serious. No sarcasm, irony, no belittling someone’s level of education or the rabid nonsense pouring out of their feebly constructed ego – just to say that if there ever was an acute example of the pointlessness of human existence, it can be found right on that Yahoo webpage. Really, for once in my life I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just Having My Say. Look at these cunts:

Shame it cant be guided towards the middle east
Englishguy1

Well at least let a few bits of that asteroid hit Pakistan — Any Middle-eastern countries
Richardo Stallmanu

Come on asteroid, give us ya best shot! C’mon, right in the mush,…. right there! *points to cheek*,…. Ha! Can’t do it can ya?!! I’ll be long dead when, (if), you do hit in the future. Pity really as I’d quite like to see it happen. Hope it lands right in the middle of the middle east. Do us all a favour.
Chris

Yes. Do us all a favour. There’s three comments, all saying exactly the same nonsensical, ridiculous thing, intended to be funny but which, in reality, just leaves a taste in your mouth like a cat piss hangover. And on each of these insanely bigoted, poorly thought out, grammatically incorrect and badly spelled comments, there’s at least two other people in the world who agreed with the content of the post – at least in principle.

294 people agreed with the following comment, with some people even taking the time out to reply to tell Fred how fucking funny he was:

good job it is moving so fast or our goverment would have put a tax on it
Fred

Yes, Fred. That’s literally hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of joke that gets them rolling about on the floor when they’re watching My Family, misusing words like ‘literally’ and ‘hilarious’. Because the government taxes everything, including trees, rivers, individual blades of grass, dark matter, squirrels, thinking, pubes and especially bits of rock, free floating or otherwise attached to planetary bodies. But not books, children’s clothes or non-luxury food items.

Meanwhile, further down that thread – and for the sake of my own health, that’s the last time I ever go to Yahoo in any form, ever again, probably – there’s people who are arguing the toss with these people. On Yahoo. With these people. On Yahoo.

That’s right. On Yahoo. And now, I charge, these people are guilty of the worst crime of all – enabling. And it is they who shall be first against the wall when I go round to their houses and line them up against a wall. Because, and here’s the final conclusion to the first intentionally unfunny post I’ve ever made here: they encourage them. And you should never encourage insane people in their delusions. Not unless they’ve got a gun against your head.

Don’t reply. Don’t get into the arguments. I know it’s ultimately very tempting to take someone to account on their bare-naked stupidity, lack of reason, outright bigotry or any other negative human quality that people seem to think that the internet was created to let out – but don’t. Just say no. Because you look worse than they do, and you’ll waste your time. Send them to us instead. Or me, seeing as everyone else has died or got real jobs or something. At least until the domain expires because Nelson doesn’t give a shit (and why should he?) I’ll be here… because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making people sound like cunts. Especially myself.

Thanks to Patrick.

What do you get when you add a crazy conspiracy theorist and quasi-legendary blob of leopard’s fanny batter to the Daily Mail? Nothing, it’s completely normal, and the only mystery is exactly how it took Paul Dacre this long to start throwing money at James Delingpole for writing exactly what his audience of 1 million pumped up twats want to read. Which is apparently a cringingly ignorant assessment of how Marxism is starting to erode our values because the BBC have shifted from using AD and BC to CE and BCE. Which they haven’t. But screw it, it’s something to do a defanged puff adder impression over.

BRAVO! A great article, but is anyone listening? I feel that it’s a lot like Nazism which crept in to Germany insidiously over time. If we don’t wake up to this creeping threat, then 1984 will be here sooner than we realize.
David , Darlington, England

Yes, to paraphrase Pastor Niemoller, first they came for the little letters at the end of dates, but I did nothing because I’m not a little letter at the end of a date. Then they came for the incorrect use of semicolons, but I did nothing because I know how to use a semicolon properly. Then they started herding free-thinking Britons onto trains, but I did nothing because they always complained that the trains never showed up, so how was I to know they didn’t want to go on the trains when they finally arrived? Then they started using knowledge they’d gained to change things, but it was too late, because I’m nearing retirement and still work in a low-level customer service job, and I don’t like change, so I got on the Daily Mail website and made a comment about how it’s all turning into Nazi Germany and 1984, and then I felt slightly better. But my boss is still a woman and a lot younger than me. And apparently she doesn’t go to church.

“Oh come on! Pretty much anyone who reads or studies history are well aware of BCE, its been widely used for decades, and is now standard practice in many universities in America as well as here.” – Chris, Dorset.
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Jesus, that was Delingpole’s point. People who “have studied history”, ie people who have gone through tertiary. Outside of that, who else has?
Another Jeff, London

I know for a fact they specifically restrict books on history to those people who’ve got a degree in it. Last time I was in Waterstones, I tried to buy a Simon Schama book and was flatly refused because I couldn’t produce any documentation certifying I had at least an upper second class honours degree in history, or at least 48 level 3 credits in pre-Enlightenment historical analysis! Why should so-called “intelligent” people get to “use” their “education” to do “things”? How dare people “study” “history” at “university” and then “apply” that “knowledge” or “otherwise” try and make “people” “aware” that “their” ill-formed “rant” was “predicated” on complete bollocks? It’s just not sporting, telling someone they’re wrong.

I’m sorry, Chris from Dorset, but we’re British around here, and we get more British the more we think about people using knowledge they’ve learned from going somewhere we haven’t been and doing something we haven’t done. Unless it’s Richard “Hamster” Hammond, of course. Then we’re all too keen to learn how Hornby train sets ruled the world. As long as he looks suitably ignorant and childishly amazed while a credible boffin explains things in simple sentences. When you phrase things right, it’s not that hard to understand the complex stuff. Who needs a university degree to learn all about Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle when Richard Hammond has just covered it with a toy car and a loofah in twenty seconds?

We built an empire on flat-out ignorance and thinking anything we don’t have to do is simple. And we’re so proud of it that if you dare come around here with your fancy book-learning, we’ll give you what for by letting you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that we know fuck all and we’re proud of it! Imperial British logic, Chris from Dorset. Quail and cower in its presence:

All atheists are anarchists by nature; and all anarchists are parasites by design that enjoy feeding off the misery endured by the vulnerable. The vulnerable of course are all those Religious individuals who wouldn’t wish their worse fears on anybody else. All anarchists should be asked the simple question :- ” when did you decide to be born “.
Catch-42, Macclesfield, England

Chris, Dorset: pay close attention. This is the kind of supreme logic that made sure the sun never set on the British Empire. And not one piece of tertiary, secondary or primary education is involved. Just a whole one point seven five imperial pints of horse piss direct from Catch-42′s brain.

Oh, dear. Something awful has happened. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, what with being trapped in your white, middle class, bubble of liberal idealism, but some serious shit’s going down right now. It’s so serious, in fact, that this cunt has taken a break from dishing out street justice in copious amounts because it’s just become far too dangerous. Luckily for us, he went and got on the internet straight away, just to make this outrageously docile comment:

I would have liked to help stop the thuggary but I did not want to get arrested, sued, breach their human rights, get fined by “no win no fee” solicitors, get a criminal record, lose my job. It looks like the law/police/goverment is on the side of the thugs, blindfolding common sence. If the the law is incapable then take away all their money including their family who shelter them.
david jones, walsall uk

Oh, fucking hell, David! Just when we needed you! Just when Commissioner Gordon was on the blower to me, asking exactly where you were, and if your Batman suit had come back from the dry cleaners yet – now you tell us that this is the point where you can’t help us any more! After all, when law and order has broken down, when the State has failed and when anarchy prevails, you’re quite rightly scared of getting sued! On contingency! These things happen. I’ve seen The Incredibles. You’d end up in kangaroo court or something, and I’ve heard they’re even more sarcastic than Judge Judy.

Just when we need David Jones where he does most good – on the streets of Walsall in rubber undies, wandering around with what the guy in the shop told him was a 12″ black rubber serrated baton – he fails us. The alternative plan of taking all their money away could work, but without David to protect us they’ll just steal all our stuff anyway! And they can do that even when they’ve had their benefits cut!

DAVID, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US??? WHO WILL SAVE US NOW!!?!

Two superheroes have been spotted in and around London over the past few days called ‘Blackman and Robbing’.
Call-me-Coconut, UK

Well, Clinical Depression Boy is about to turn up. Can he help us? Unlikely. He usually just induces catatonic foetal positions and extended absences from the internet.

TEAR GAS – RUBBER BULLETS – TASERS -STUN GUNS – CHEMICAL PARALYZING SPRAYS – HIGH AUDIO FREQUENCY BLASTERS – TRANQUILIZING ELEPHANT GUN DARTS – WATER CANNONS WITH PURIFYING ROTTING DYE – all need to be used ASAP and all we get from this home secretary is she tells us she is watching the CCTV…………………………….!!!!!!!
Roy, Essex

Oh, thank fuck for that. Our worries are over. It turns out that Roy will defend us all, weilding the massive hard-on he gets after reeling off the names of a whole bunch of fictional military technology what he did drew when it was raining. Just pray to God he doesn’t have a wank.

Anyway, never mind calling out for a hero. What we really need to know is how we can connect this to Muslims.

Here is another reason to outright BAN face coverings.
melita, ex pat

Thanks melita! And give my regards to Pat when you see him. Unless he still thinks you’re a cunt and avoids you like the plague, like everyone else.

“Wasn’t 2010 BRILLIANT!” shrieks Max Hastings, Middle England’s dusty mouthpiece – don’t forget to give it a wipe first! – more totem of bourgeois values than actual, live human being. For those of you wondering why, Hastings cites the following: Prince William got engaged to “a pretty girl”; about one third of England got a proper summer; Downton Abbey; and for the first time in years, we got, in David Cameron, “a proper national leader”, WOOF!

No need to bring up the months of rising public anger, or the cluster of natural disasters mainly affecting non-whites, or the fact that Hastings’ card was declined whilst he was trying to purchase his wife’s Christmas present, as it should be clear to all by now that stern old Uncle Max is greeting the new year in whimsical mood. Or at least, as close as he can get to such a thing. File under ‘Yawn’ and move on. Except, Kris has found this bloke, who seems to have had a whimsy bypass…

No, MAX! There is a great deal wrong with our country and, sadly, many people like you are acting like the proverbial camels. Here’s a list:- 1. Too many people not prepared to work, 2. Education far too left wing and cannot be described any longer as education, 3. Bilderbergers controlling the world governments, 4. Police forces out of control and responsible, complicit with many in the judiciary and the so-called Ombudsmen, of allowing appalling crimes against families to continue with children and houses stolen from individuals wrongly. 5. And , most seriously, a TREASON against our Bill of Rights and Magna Carta that has left us with no Monarch since 1972, and which the police forces up and down the country refuse to deal with thereby committing MISPRISION of TREASON themselves. This, MAX, is indeed a lawless land. Your foolish optimism (or worse?), my lad, is way off the mark.
Bring Back Law ‘N’ Order, What used to be a pleasant place

What must it be like to be absolutely wrong about everything? And not just wrong, as in ‘not right’, but so completely wide of the mark – like, 6,000 miles at 90 degrees to the mark – that people only ever look at you out the side of their heads, with panic in their eyes, while they’re slowly edging away, muttering about you to their friends. Their actual friends. People they want to spend their time with. Awful, I should think. No wonder BBL’N'O is so angry.

Perhaps realising that there’s more fun to be had in bitter flame wars, the Guardian and the Mail have apparently been running some kind of exchange scheme. While many of the comments on the former’s website have got progressively dafter and more batshit rightwing, the Mail’s very own Marie Antoinette figure, pensioner-mugging professional train-wreck Liz Jones can’t even lecture the poor on the benefits of a 13-day working week without being lectured in turn by a load of bloody hand-wringing lefty types.

But Lindsay still managed to find this tucked in amongst all that reasonable drivel:

We should bring back domestic service.
Full employment and self-worth and self-esteem for the servants (rather than relying on benefits), and their employers would have more free time to spend on worth-while occupations which require more intellectual creativity, such as politics, finance, etc, so benefiting the country as a whole.
alibongo, Dorset, UK

It is problematic, isn’t it, when the lower orders find themselves with rather too much leisure time, whilst the wealthy have so much on their plates they’re unable to focus on those areas of intellectual creativity – such as politics, finance, etc – to which they’re naturally more suited, having instead to think about dressing themselves and loading their own dishwashers and what have you.

Goodness, I’ve been pestered, I can think of no better word for it, I have been quite simply pestered by Mervyn King, asking – nay! begging – for a solution to all this economic crisis business.

“Dear Mervyn,” I tell him: “dearest, dearest Mervyn. I am sure that your task is every bit as bothersome as you say. However, I am quite unable to help as my mental resources are, at this moment, entirely focused on the hoovering.

“If only that grotty little man Gordon Brown had not rashly forbidden domestic service. The poor knew their place in the days before that ban. They were chirpy and good-natured, occasionally cheeky, but above all, pliant, and always grateful for a chance to address their social betters. ‘Cor blimey, half a crown!’ they would cry. ‘Fanks, guv’nor!’

“Now they belch and scowl and say things like: ‘GIVE ME YER FUCKIN WATCH NOW YOU POSH TWAT OR I’LL FUCKIN CUNT YER DICK UP YER ARSE!’

“I should wager a good twelve hours scrubbing the various congealed fluids from my breeches would soon bring them back to earth.”

Thanks to Dave.

Morrissey’s been accused of being a racist, which of course makes it instantly okay to a) openly like Morrissey again and b) insult entire nations. Racism could only get more casual if it was wearing a shellsuit and tucking the bottoms of its pants into Pringle socks.

What inspires me about this is that amongst the chaos there appears to be at least some kind of natural order to the universe.

Chinese, Japanese, Indian, Pakistani, in fact many countries do things we find appalling. There’s nothing we can do about it, it’s their culture. But what we can do, and should have done, is to keep them and their ways out of our own country. Is it too late to do something?
Diane

No Diane, it’s not too late. You can f*** off somewhere else. People like you make me ashamed to be native British.
si

See, there are positive uses for that phrase! Now, if only someone could quote Morrissey lyrics and confuse the fuck out of a passing mentaloid, causing him to offer some shit advice based on complete fantasy, and do it in an easy-to-follow bullet form.

Ouija board, Ouija board….can you help me-ee-ee?
Rad Pitt

Stay away from Ouija boards for three very good reasons
1. do you think spirits, of departed are answering you – think again. You are dealing with something that could cause you a lot of hurt and damage, especially spiritually.
2. Malevolant evil spirts hide themselves in a guise imitating loved ones and so on, having info on them. They are out to delude you.
3. Worst of all, they are out for you to be possessed by these evil spirits, they are not interested in your problems or solving them. They are interested in destroying your soul, locking you up to them.
So Rad Pitt, my advice to you would be to throw away your Ouija board if you have one, preferably set fire to it in a safe place and go speak to a minister or priest. May God lead, guide and protect you.
Nektarios

Knock three times if you’ve ever been sectioned for standing outside Boots offering your own excrement as the body of Christ.

Can anyone honestly say that they aren’t even a little racist? Everyone’s a little racist and everyone’s a little gay.So there.
Also, he is obviously saying this out of anger and nothing more. Lord, if everyone had to make sure nothing they said would offend anyone…we’d be mutes.
Also, I hope PETA drops Moz as well because they are a terrorist organization. It irks me that my beloved Moz promotes them.
eli

Honestly, eli, I can say that I’ve never been convinced of my superiority over another human being based on our differing races. No, I base my superiority complex on provable concepts. For example, I think I’m better than you because you project your unchecked failings onto other people and excuse faulty reasoning based on erroneous comparisons to the perceived norm. When I read the bollocks you decided to share with the world, I didn’t think you were of a different race – I just thought you were some kind of twat. However, I did once try and have a wank over Jedward*, so it’s not all faulty reasoning on your part.

*If anyone wants to borrow that one, let me know.

Thanks to Kris, who was mining for gold on HYS and accidentally hit a seam of sticky, acidic, racist shit instead. It’s got everywhere, and the cushions on this couch don’t come off. So, with a deep sigh and a bottle of Cillit Bang ready to drink, here’s HYS on Africa, asking if aid is the answer or if instead we can solve the world’s problems by proving what a bunch of cunts we all are.

As has been noted before that every time aid is sent to a country it increases the population and therefore more mouths to feed and more aid is required so more aid is not the solution.
Dave1506

It’s tremendously difficult, the situation in Africa, and it’s compounded by the fact that the fuckers keep living forever because everything is just so cushy. No, less aid is the solution, right? I’m voting for less aid, next time I mistake airing a wanky opinion on the internet for the classic forms of enfranchisement. Less aid means more dead people means less people to complain about people dying. I knew the solution to the world’s problems must have a fairly simple resolution, but I didn’t know it was as simple as just putting in a little bit of work to turn everyone into ignorant, mean, petty little gusset sniffers…

Endless aid is never the answer.
Maybe I’m being a bit harsh here, but if life is unsustainable, then either let the people move somewhere else or let them die, much like nature intended.
Anthony Rat

…that is, if you have to do any work at all. Mind you, somewhere else sounds better than Africa. But where! I heard there’s a pushover of a country on the edge of northern Europe that lets anyone in, especially if you’re from a former colony. Something about liberal-socialist-post-colonial guilt or something. You might have to lock yourself in the back of a freezer van to get there, but I heard that people there are very sympathetic to those in mortal danger.

We have ABSOLUTELY NO obligations to Africa. What we have contributed so far is a reflection of past relationships to colonial Africa. All African leaders or governments think intrinsically that Africa is for black or Arab people. White people, according to Africans, should not be there. Africa should be allowed to fend for itself. This pitiable annual call to donate is now self-perpetuating.These self-appointed do-gooders and “philanthropists” should literally get a life of their own. Being seen to be a “holier than thou high moral ground individual” seems to be so important to those who have failed to make their mark in society in a way they would have wished.
Robert

I expect all those philanthropists and self-appointed do-gooders – as opposed to the do-gooders appointed by the wishy-washy-lefty-do-gooding-overarching-social-agenda-Stalin-is-still-alive-you-know-1984-is-coming-true-and-why-is-the-only-doctor-I-can-get-to-see-at-short-notice-African-committee – wanted to be Premier League footballers or something. Sadly, like Robert, they missed their vocation and ended up wanking into a sock for a living. Or at least the humanitarian equivalent.

A few years ago, I would have pitied Robert for failing to understand the difference between being an aid worker and buying a Big Issue to impress the girl you’re trying so desperately to get tops and fingers off… but now… no, wait, I still pity the gobshite. He’s literally a vadge.

Mind you, Africa for black people? Sounds a bit racist to me. Thank fuck there’s no stupid, gobby, power-hungry hypocrites in Europe who make a living from espousing race-based settlement policies. Otherwise people might get confused and think that stupid, gobby, power-hungry hypocrites actually represent everyone on the continent.

How about the richest nations of Africa supporting their own country.

Top African countries GDP.
# South Africa … $606.4 billion in international$ (up 8% from 2005)
# Algeria … $262.2 billion (up 8.5%)
# Nigeria … $181.8 billion (up 10.2%)
# Morocco … $150.8 billion (up 4.8%)
# Sudan … $98.8 billion (up 11.2%)
# Tunisia … $91.4 billion (up 7.4%)
# Ethiopia … $78.4 billion (up 12%)
# Ghana … $59.4 billion (up 9.1%)
# Angola … $53.9 billion (up 24.3%)
# Democratic Republic of Congo … $50.4 billion (up 9.7%)
# Uganda … $48.5 billion (up 9.2%)
# Kenya … $45.6 billion (up 8.9%)
# Cameroon … $40.3 billion (up 5.7%)
# Côte d’Ivoire … $31.4 billion (up 4.9%)
# Tanzania … $30.6 billion (up 10%)

Perhaps the UK should start asking for aid.
chrisk50

Yeah, we have plans in the pipeline to get aid from the Democratic Republic of the Congo, along with remedial maths lessons on fractions and multiplication just for you. So if you’d like to stand over there by that wall in the sunshine, the humanitarian workers will be here soon to put you out of my misery. Cigarette? Lovely.

And don’t worry, I hear they bring their own equipment.

Although it looks more like a hilarious tear-soaked pillow of hubris since his invitation was rescinded, Nick Griffin’s call for things to ask the Queen at yesterday’s garden party is, in fact, a bucket of curdled pomposity. If you manage to put your hand in there without being sick, you’ll be rewarded with a fistful of semi-congealed racist throat slime.

Here’s what Chris pulled out…

Your Majesty, we have met before, remember me?…. I am the lion that stands on your crown, I am the Dragon that is the spirit of your nation, I am the sword that rose from the lake and was given to Arthur, I am the blood that runs through your nation’s veins, I am the breath that your nation breathes, I am the morning mist on the downs, I am the heather on the moors, I am the sun that shines on the Dales, I am the mountains of caledonia and Cymry, I am the white cliffs of Albion, I am the beat of the Morris man’s bells, I am the sound of the pipes over the hills, I am the snow that falls on the meadows. I am the soldier who fought for you, and you father, and your father’s father, and his, I am the Gesith that stood on Senlac field, I am the wise old man you met when you were young, I am the young man your great grandchildren will meet, I am the ghost of the past, and I am the future…. Remember me now?… Your Majesty?
Sigbrit

Sigbrit, we have met before, remember?…. I am the rapidly descending silence every time you walk into a room, I am the pretty Somali girls who laughed at you on the bus, I am the modern world that makes you shit your silly pants in fear and confusion, I am the weird smell of rotting dog food that you leave behind when you do, I am your parochial bafflement at exotic foodstuffs such as ‘sizzling beef in black bean sauce’, I am the look of disappointment glued permanently to your mother’s face, I am your grandchildren’s crippling embarrassment, I am the ghost of your past failures, and I am your dismal future…. Remember me now?… Sigbrit?

Thanks to Dan for finding this ludicrous bow-tied nincompoop.

“We must continue to strengthen our military relationship …. For when the Stars and Stripes and the Union Jack fly side by side, we are greater than the sum of our parts. And together, we can forge a better, safer future.”
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And George Washington is tossing and turning in his grave…
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Ladies and gentlemen, the noises you hear are not the rumbling of your empty stomachs, its the noises from the grave of George Washinton who is tossing and turning after he heard the above quotes…of mixing stripes with the cross…And the sudden cold wind you have exppearnced just now is not due to the drastic change of weather, its created by the joint sighs of all those dead people who fought for their independence of their stars and stripes from the Cross of the empire,
colonelartist

Whew, thanks for putting my mind at rest. When I heard the rumbling and felt the cold wind, I thought Mothra was trying to hump the Angel of the North again.

The empire is firing the gun thats placed on the colony’s shoulder…And the colony just like many other ex-colonies is happy to obliged..Dead men dont laugh, they sigh….the gales of laughter you hear is actually the people who are standing on the graves of those sighing dead people, and lauging at them…(I didnt say this , Kipling said something like this, I dont remember where but I remember reading something like that, and since I was not paying attention as I was reading it, so I cannot quote him word by word….Calrification to the mods, just incase they do with me what obama did to mccrystal after the pathan within him woke up and he said those things)
colonelartist

After laughing at you lot for so long, I’m actually starting to worry about mods myself… awful lot of mopeds around these days. They remind me of this Constable painting:

That might not be exactly right… don’t ask me to draw it exactly cos I was kicking the piss out of a heron while I was looking at it.