spEak You’re bRanes

More pressing concerns from the complaints log. Women of the world, take over.

FA WOMEN’S CUP FINAL: ARSENAL V LEEDS UNITED

“I was disappointed that the streaker was not shown during the match by the cameraman.”

WORLD SNOOKER

“Throughout the coverage of the tournament, I have been annoyed by an on-screen visual effect which is used. There is no need for the vertical pink line which sweeps across the screen when switching camera views.”

Felt that the programme should have been presented by a man. “I am amazed that the BBC had a female presenter for this programme. There are not any women who play the game so why have a female presenter? This is obviously down to political correctness. I am not male chauvinist but there is a time and a place for women on television.”

BBC NEWS AT ONE

“I find that the female news reporter is not very clear with her pronunciation, it is nice to see her but she could do better at this.”

“The lady presenter was wearing very fancy clothes and showing the latest fashions. I do not feel this was respectful when reading the tragic news reports from Burma.”

Thanks to Lucie for this one from a BBC article about the A.S.A.

Well after reading this I have concluded that there’s not much point in having ASA. As far as I’m concerned all of these complaints should have seen the adverts banned, as should all adverts of female hygiene products. How standards have slipped with the passage of time. Bring back Mary Whitehouse, I say.
Anne Porter, Belfast

There should be a women-only channel where women can talk about their disgusting secret without having to worry men and children about it. It’s especially important to protect young girls from the truth, just in case they start thinking it’s perfectly normal.

I found this one in the debate about Heathrow Terminal 5.

Can we look any worse than we already do?

We are a dumping ground for the world where no one ever accepts responsibility for their own actions and criminals are treated better than war heroes and pensioners that have fought paid for and built this once great country.

We look like numbskulls because we are not allowed to be patriotic or religious for fear of upsetting the migrants we welcome into our land!
louis Cannell, Northampton, United Kingdom

I was impressed that anyone managed to scrape together the calories required to have an opinion about Terminal 5. Then I read your comment and realised that you didn’t. Here’s an idea: if you want to stop repeating yourself, why not write your one and only thought down and then wear it on your face? Print this out and cut some eyeholes in it:

Thanks to Niki for these nuggets from the “Should scientists graft poisonous horse cocks onto the faces of our children?” debate.

Yes there certainly should be a free vote.
I don’t think most people would even think of eating their pet’s food, yet this bill suggests mixing genetic material of animals and human beings. There are other aspects of this bill …lack of need for a father, furthering abortion etc etc. A slippery slope and should be morally unacceptable to any thinking person with a modicum of respect for the dignity of the human person. The sneering attitude of Winston, Harris et al belies a sinister contempt.
NC, Doncaster

Fuck’s sake. Could you try, just for ONCE, to get the right end of the stick? They’re not trying to build humans that like to eat dog biscuits, they’re trying to build dogs that are fussy about what they eat.

Wouldn’t it be great to go back in time and ask Sir Winston Churchill his views on hybird embryo research in the UK Imagine the year 1946 WW2 is over The horrors of Hitler’s death camps have been exposed for all the world to see The SS will be tried for crimes against humanity Hitler’s dream of a super race was defeated only to come back in another form -embryo hybirds Can science deliver what they promise -eternal youth and if so at what price to the human soul?
angelica adams, cambrdige ma usa

I suspect Winston would say something like “Dotsy rye bow new click what?? Get out of my face you stinking harpy”.

If I could go back in time, I’d ask Florence Nightingale why the fuck my graphics card won’t support 1920×1200 resolution even though the spec says it should. Then I’d head to where the ATI software engineers live (1994) and ask them for a DOS boot disk and a floppy drive so that I can run their BIOS flashing exe.

Thanks to Magnus for this one. It’s from a Times Online article about how the modern world lacks heroes. You can see the original article here if you really want to.

Where, indeed, have all our heroes gone? It would seem that to find civilian and non-combat heroes today, we have to look at the list of recipients of the George Cross (including its predecessors).

As the George Cross is the counterpart to the military Victoria Cross awarded for gallantry in combat, it is an award for those who of their own volition, and when they did not have to, stepped forward to put their own life and limb in jeopardy. Those heroes came from all walks of life, and (ranged from pensioners to school children as young as 13 and 14.

What is disturbing is to see that fewer and fewer whose actions have measured up to the George Cross standards.

1900-09 — 2
1910-19 — 31
1920-29 — 25
1930-39 — 91
1940-49 — 183
1950-59 — 18
1960-69 — 7
1970-79 — 11
1980-89 — 0
1990-99 — 3
2000- 4

(The war presented more opportunities for heroism.)

Is the Health and Safety Nanny breeding heroism out of the British character?
Bob Evans, Anaheim, California

Your chart really brought it home to me. Where’s the opportunity for heroism when all our wars involve bombing the fuck out of poor people, thousands of miles away, who are no threat to us whatsoever? We need to start a war with someone who’s:

1. Local
2. Armed
3. No, sticks don’t count. Armed like we are, with aircraft carriers and fighter jets and 500lb bombs.

Only then will we see the necessary rise in the number of people losing limbs whilst trying to save dying children.

Of course, this would all be rather inconvenient and expensive so, as an alternative, I propose that we just start awarding the George Cross to the people we’re bombing instead. We’ve got a guaranteed supply of heroes there. Every last one of them has tragically lost family members and body parts. Perfect.

Britain had an empire, we then gave it back because we upset some people apparently, now we have to turn over our society to groups that are not here for our good. Of course we should invest in space exploration and heavily, I for one think that we need to go and find another planet to inhabit, one where we can keep out any undesirables. This is prbably the best sokution all around.
Stuart Booth, Northampton, United Kingdom

Good luck with that galactic Empire.

Will ‘Angel’ be cultural icon of the south? More important, for Atom John, is the worry that those Frenchies are hatching yet another papist plot to install a Catholic monarch in England.

I think that the monument should be a group of statues.

Wellington. Churchill, Boadicaea, King Arthur, Hereward, Richard lionheart - to show the rest of Europe that we can defend our shores
Atom John, Derby, United Kingdom

Don’t forget Big Daddy and Geoff Capes.

Will ‘Angel’ be cultural icon of the south?

A UNION JACK!!!
Lets be brave and proud…..Someone should have the guts to comission it.
This is GREAT BRITAIN….Lets show it…!!
The voice of reason, Cheshire, United Kingdom

YES. You’ve evoked images of the glory days of EMPIRE back in the 90s when that orange whore put on that famous union jack dress! People weren’t ashamed to show their patriotism back then. Or their tits. Girl Power! Remember back in the 80s when we bombed all those penguins and that man got melted? Or the 70s when that detective was in a coma from the future? GREAT BRITAIN! GREAT BRITAIN! GREAT BRITAIN! And did those feet in umm numm numm.. la la la ENGLAND’S PASTURES GREEN. Cocking hell, I’m off for a wank.

Yes it does. PC Marxists have ensured the subversion of Christianity in our our country. Being a Christian is seen as something bad. It is high time we stood up as the moral majority in this country and made this country the society it once was.

The teachings of the Bible must be taught in every school in this country, that way we can become the God fearing Christian society, morally uplifted once again. It is time the Bible’s teachings were reflected in the law of the land once more.
pieter van der byl, Rhodesia, United Kingdom

How’s “Rhodesia” coming along these days Pieter?

Thanks to “Silent Bob” for this submission. Bob adds “I hope we can raise the morality of Britain using religion to the levels, of say, Sudan or Saudi Arabia. Hell maybe even the U.S.”

We brits need to admit to ourself that we have LOST control of what it means to be British and just ride off into the sunset with what pride we have left.
I am myself leaving in january with a tear in my eye.
FORCED out as a refugee by left wing biggots who have sold my country.
Mark, Plymouth

These fucking militant lefties eh? Losing control of what it means to be British! Careless fools! They should have kept what it means to be British somewhere safer (probably in an ornately carved box, lined with fur from Her Majesty’s own mimsy). What were they doing instead? Selling off our transport systems, hospitals and schools to multinational corporate communists, intent on redistributing our wealth, that’s what!

We need a law to FORCE corporations and governments to adopt capitalism and prevent this red plague from spreading further. If we fail, we will FORCE more breathtakingly gullible halfwits like Mark to ride off into the sunset with tears in their eyes.