Permanently Bewildered04 Jun 2009 01:18 pm
By Nelson

Thanks to Christine and Drew for finding this one over at the Telegraph site. It’s about painting stuff white to mitigate the effects of global warming. A bit like wearing earplugs because your TV is too loud.

Make sure you imagine all the random CAPSLOCK BITS being SHOUTED twice as loud as THE OTHER BITS.

I wish I could think of something ORIGINAL & witty right now, but the MORE IMPORTANT message I have for everyone is this:
Instead of spending another 10 minutes on this comment board, why not write a REAL, PAPER LETTER to this NUTCASE Shu ( or whatever his FKG name is ) & TELL HIM how much of a Truck-up (rhymes with) he is…
HE NEEDS AN 18 WHEELER TRUCK FULL OF HATE MAIL — EVERY TIME THESE JACKGLASSES ( rhymes with ) SAYS SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THIS, WE NEED TO COVER THEM UP WITH PAPER.
E-MAILS DO NOT MAKE FOR PHOTO-OPS, PEOPLE.
SEND ‘EM…. Just use his name, then ” US Department of Energy”, then Washington, DC, 20515.
It WILL get there….
THIS MORON AND THE REST OF ‘EM NEED TO HEAR FROM US EVERY STINKIN TIME THEY OPEN THEIR PIE-HOLES AND STUPID SIT (rhymes with) FLOWS OUT OF IT.
-30-
Gore_Idiot_Sans_Savant

You have to respect the honesty of someone who effectively precedes their brainsquawk with an admission that “I have neither the insight nor wit to make this anything other than bollocks but, fuck it, here goes anyway”.

I think he or she is doing themselves a disservice though. “JACKGLASSES (rhymes with)” is comedy genius.

Permanently Bewildered04 Jun 2009 09:45 am
By Alex

Thanks to Ellie and Sam.

I recently asked why the emergency buttons at stations are green rather than the logical and expected red.

I was told it was to be consistent with Europe. Guess which way I’ll be voting! For me, this is the most bizarre Euro-decision I’ve encountered. Enough is enough. They must be colour-blind in Brussels.
Martin Watson, Teddington, United Kingdom

Who was it you asked? Was it a guy you met in the pub? Or a face you drew on your own hand?

These ones are too easy. Not just for us to shoot down, but for the poster as well. All the edginess of thinking for yourself, with none of the thinking.

I look forward to the chance to vote BNP. Nothing says “Vote BNP” quite like being told “Don’t vote BNP”
Alison, Colnbrook with Poyle

In that case Alison, vote BNP. And look both ways before you cross the street.

Slow Readers03 Jun 2009 09:36 am
By Alex

From the debate about British soldiers’ human rights. Some background:
The Ministry of Defence said the convention could not be guaranteed in certain situations but the new ruling means the European Convention on Human Rights applies to UK forces abroad – even in battle.
But the family of Pte Smith had argued that soldiers should be covered by the Human Rights Act wherever they are in the world at all times.
The Court of Appeal said the ‘right to life’ meant the MoD had a legal duty to provide adequate equipment.

However, read through the eyes of an angry yet patriotic halfwit who dare not waste a second lest his own, ready-formed opinion be unnecessarily delayed, it clearly states:

The Ministry of Defence blah blah thingummy blah blah blah thingummy blah wotsit yaddayadda blah blah blah thingy blah blah European thingummy blah Human Rights something blah UK forces yewhat – thingy blah battle.
Blah blah family blah thingy-face blah soldiers blah blah thingy blah blah Human Rights Act thingummy blah blah blah blah probably muslims blah blah blah blah.
Blah Court of Appeal blah ‘right blah blah’ blah blah MoD blah blah legal thingy blah yewhat thingummy whatsitcalled.

What a nonsense. Bring all the troops back home and send the lawyers and judges out in their place. Let them make informed and effectively-debated decisions about safety and conditions on the battlefield, with deference to due process and precedent, naturally.

What a tragic shambles of a country we are becoming, where there is no such thing as an accident, and every single decision made in public life must stand up to scrutiny by a courtroom filled with parasitic lawyers and journalists.
David, Stockport

nonsense. troops home lawyers and judges. on the battlefield, naturally (due process). tragic shambles of a country filled with parasitic lawyers and journalists.

See, I managed to say exactly the same thing as you in much less time, and with even less thought. And it sounds like Radiohead. Try it.

Presumably a ‘elf n safety’ assessment will have to be done whenever we next enter a war zone.
The Rev Oik, Reading

That’s a bit better. Cut it down. Don’t bother thinking about the actual story, just hammer in your vague, raging scepticism at the key words and chuck in someone else’s catchphrase. You can get a lot more comments in that way.

No! and nor should anyone else. Revoke the act immediatley and deal with those who hind behind it
Alf Moores, Stockport

Too far the other way Alf. You missed out the all-important bit where you exempt your own rights. Otherwise people can just knee you in the nuts every time you express an opinion. And believe me, they will. Maybe add a quick “indigenous population” or a “law-abiding citizens”. Or recategorise soldiers as useless, overpaid public sector employees and rant about “hard-working taxpayers”. But don’t go painting yourself into a corner by forgetting that rights are for you and rules are for other people.

The world has gone mad!

Out of Europe NOW!
[Pizzey]

Brilliant [Pizzey], you’ve got the hang of it perfectly. Now listen carefully. Highlight the text, click on ‘Edit’ at the top of the screen and select ‘Copy’. Now go to another debate, click ‘Add Your Comment’, and then bellow “En-ger-laaand!” while holding down the key marked ‘Ctrl’ and pressing ‘V’. Do the same with all the other debates. Repeat twice every hour and we’ll be out of the EU in no time.

Outsiders and Self-appointed Sages02 Jun 2009 09:52 am
By Alex

Thanks to Lindsay. On why the overwhelming majority of rapes go unpunished. I find it slightly odd that HYSers are never in the slightest bit concerned about the rights of those falsely accused of car theft, burglary or black-on-black knifecrime, not to mention terrorism and loitering with intent. It’s political correctness gone shit.

What percentage of women lie?

Is it 65%, 1% or 1/65%.

Surveys suggest 60%, but if just one 65th of a percent of women lie, this accounts for 46000 rape allegations.

Since I know no men who boast of it, I conclude a tiny number of men rape several women each. Roll on DNA at birth
Charles, London

What percentage of proctologists lie? Is it 86% or 4.3%? My imagination suggests it’s whatever number best supports my opinion, but if just 97% of proctologists lie, I hate women. I hope one day I meet those two guys who buy all the pile cream. ‘Cos I’ve never heard anyone boast about the size of their arse-grapes. Roll-on deodorant.

Permanently Bewildered and Werthers Original Imperialists01 Jun 2009 05:40 pm
By Nelson

Thanks to Kate for pointing me at this Times Online article about Susan Boyle.

ITV and the media have used Susan Boyle, Now she is distressed. Perhaps the time has come for the Queen to use what power she has to command that Susan sings. such a move would be popular, not least among disabled people,their families and carers.
Angus Winfield, Brdgwater, Somerset, UK

SB had a young girl’s dream.Somehow,She found the courage to face a mirror &despite what she saw she stood in front of 1000s who laughed at her. Who could even speak after that? Yet SING she did! And the evil of the world had to tear her down.May the Queen honor her dream! USA is
is waitin for her!
SF, PP, USA

Another letter from Lord Chief Admiral Bumservant

Permanently Bewildered29 May 2009 03:23 pm
By Nelson

Been way too busy for SYB this week. I expect you’re all starting to regain your faith in humanity. Don’t worry, I’ll demolish it again next week.

In the meantime, have a link to something else instead. Bloody Cassetteboy are at it again.
http://cassetteboy.wordpress.com/

Normal People and Outsiders28 May 2009 01:31 pm
By Nelson

No time to sift through the shit this week, so thanks to John for finding this comment about glow-in-the-dark monkeys or something over at CiF. Quality.

This sort of thing is the future. I’m still more worried about a race of super human overlords than the possible cruelty to a variety of glow in the dark animals. Russian oligarch offspring capable of completely filling the screen on the original Nokia snake. The children of bank bosses with a genetically ‘enhanced’ sense of responsibility. How many of Richard Branson’s children will we have to see cluttering up the night sky, after having arrived in space without the need for a spaceship, before we say enough is enough? 10? 300 million? It is already too late.
jimmylazers

Permanently Bewildered22 May 2009 10:25 am
By Nelson

Thanks to Ellie for finding the amazing Catherine Oliver.

“Have you been forced to move back home?”

I havent forced to move back home because i havent been in that situation
Catherine Oliver, Crawley, United Kingdom

“Will you trade in your old banger for a new car?”

I think that cash for banger is a good idea. i cant trade my old car because i dont have a car.
Catherine Oliver, Crawley, United Kingdom

Do you think Catherine ever wonders why the computer is asking her these things? Maybe she’s fundamentally misunderstood the term “online dating” and is sat in Pizza Express right now with her laptop, dutifully answering all its stupid questions and hoping the boring little shit will stop bleating on about MPs’ expenses and the Ghurkas.

Curtain Twitchers and Tax Bores20 May 2009 03:00 pm
By Alex

Thanks to Stu. Another valiant effort to combine all society’s ills into one perverted, swarthy, benefit-guzzling scapegoat. It’s also divided into handy paragraphs, moving neatly from “largely sensible”, through “scared, angry skinflint”, to “conspiracy theory and free association”.

Posted by: ion | May 15, 2009 7:20 PM
It is obvious to see that things are very wrong at the highest level but isn’t time to start denouncing expenses and waste at a local authority level too? We pay council taxes and business rates and instead of seeing these taxes being injected into policing and infrastructure, things are degrading.
I have recently seen the most infuriating act of unjustified expenditure in my borough. A whole refugee therapy center in the center of London that not only cost approximately £2 million but also is planted right next to a school (nursery, primary). Needless to say that this very therapy center has windows overlooking the schools.
So not only money was spent by the council like there’s no tomorrow but rules must have been bent in terms of protecting children, very young children, from people that need therapy.

Thing is, if these refugees have had to leave their own children behind, the temptation to peer at photogenic, blue-eyed white kids through council-funded paedoscopes will be simply too much. And, as everyone knows, the psychological effects of torture include manic bummermania and compulsive sneakiness. As if this wasn’t bad enough, their (taxpayer funded) X-Ray Molesting Glasses have been known to cause face-cancer in normal people.

Best not take the risk and just spend the cash on “ion” next time, eh?

Outsiders and Plain Weird19 May 2009 01:00 pm
By Nelson

Thanks to Mark for pointing me at the CiF profile of fantazamaraz. Fantazamaraz is a “Writer-Director,Critic-Commentator,Former top British radio broadcaster US” and a fucking embarrassment.

fantazamaraz
17 May 09, 4:32am

YES WEV’E LOST FACE IN DEMOCRACY
THANKS TO THE WAYS OF THE LABOUR PARTY
THANKS TO THOSE PILFERING MP’s
THEY MAKE GREAT BRITAIN LOOK LIKE SLEAZE
WE NEED SOME POWER BALANCE DON’T YOU SEE
SO IT CAN’T HURT TO VOTE FOR A SOME BNP.!
IT’S THE OTHER WHO HAVE CREATED THIS MESS
NICK GRIFFIN HAS REMAINED QUITE SCANDALESS
CHARACTER ASSASSINATION PUT ASIDE
TO KNOW FOR SURE IS WHN THEYV’E BEEN TRIED
WEV’E NOTHING TO LOSE AND A LOT TO GAIN
TO LET BNP MAKE US GREAT AGAIN.!

I’m almost starting to feel sorry for the BNP, but I guess a voter is still a voter. So what if he has a few bits of mashed up banana on his face?

Having said that, it might take a few hours coaching to prevent him spoiling his ballot. Without a bit of training, he’s fairly likely to write “HA HA HEE! CAN’T YOU SEE? I WANT TO VOTE FOR THE BNP!!!” on it before waggling his eyebrows and dancing off merrily into the woods, playing the theme tune from Wizbit on a recorder.

« Previous PageNext Page »