spEak You’re bRanes

I’ve been reading posts by the poignantly tragic Jack Taft. He posted this first one in both “Who would be your dream duet?” and “How can the battle against drugs crime be won?”. I think it works well in both.

God rest his soul but a duet of Luciano Pavarotti and Paul Potts singing the Nessun Dorma.

Opera was never my thing but Luciano and Potts changed that for me, and I suspect, many others too.

Jack Taft, Birmingham, United Kingdom

It was a bit like when Nigel Kennedy turned the world of classical music on its head by wearing a denim jacket.

This one is from “Are some subjects tougher than others?”.

What in the name of all that is unholy is a GCSE in “Citizenship”?
[Vulpus_rex], London, United Kingdom

I took the subject two years ago, in yr9, yes my school just wanted to get it out of the way and not interfere with proper subjects, quite right of them too, looking back on it i realise there was a large element of the exam that tested how politically correct you were.

Labour’s Citizen, no wonder I failed then…
Jack Taft, Birmingham, United Kingdom

How the gibbering fuck do you fail any GCSE these days? Did you accidentally wipe your arse on it or something? All you had to do was pretend, for 60 minutes or so, not to be a racist. Even the BNP can manage that.

Thanks to Ben. I like this one. After fabricating this exciting story (or perhaps hearing it 5th hand via a chain of drunken, credulous simpletons), “skinnymuppet” obviously decided that it sounded fucking daft. He/she came up with a clever solution to this problem and has turned it from potted arse-beef into thoughtful debate, simply by adding “Consider this” on the front. Works a treat. You’d never guess it was going to be a load of insane nobgrease.

Consider this: Do 35 in 30 limit, punishment: £60 and 3 points. Now, the following is true: Fail to stop for Police, travel at 70 in a 30 whilst being chased, reverse into a Police car writing it off, drive through a park, seriously injure insecure passenger in rear of pursued van due to manner of driving, fight with Police when finally stopped. Punishment? £40 more than doing 35 in a 30. Still need to ask the question? Criminals laugh at the rest of us because there is no deterent
[skinnymuppet], United Kingdom

I saw a bloke doing ALL that and uploading the footage to YouTube WHILST RAPING A HORSE and he got GIVEN a £50 WHSmiths voucher and a hotdog and a large fries and a family-size drink and £50,000 and a fancy hat AND had a ride in a policecar AND he was allowed to wear the policeman’s hat ALL DAY. Meanwhile, the rest of us live in fear of the Zimbabwe Knives Mafia or maybe rocket-propelled paedos. Or muslim homo-speed-cameras. Or something. Anyway, I’m not sure what’s going on but I do know I’m fucking terrified. Or maybe just angry. Or confused. Mark my words.

After his stellar showing of church moderniser to paedophile apologist in one fell swoop of illogic, I thought it might be worth keeping an eye on the man in charge of the Ship of Fools.

What are Britain’s new social evils?

Britain’s new (and top ten) social evils (in no particular order):

New Labour
Nu Labour

B liar Labour
Brown ed off (with) Labour

Neo Labour
unap Plod ded Labour

Neo conned Labour
Brown-nosed Labour

Go (r) down Labour
Rob the poor Labour
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

You don’t think you maybe lost it at about the point you came up with “unap Plod ded Labour” do you? Perhaps you should stick to the Sudoku rather than trying your hand at the crossword.

Whether Spielberg is right or wrong is a very minor issue. The larger issue is whether the Chinese care about such futile token pressures. Me thinks the Chinese are far ahead of the game. Similar pressures were applied recently regarding Burma? What happened? Nothing!

Another interesting aspect is the timing of all this sudden awareness of human rights in China. When the Olympic Games were awarded to China what was the human rights situation? In what way & to what extent is it different now?
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

Well, let’s see. There was this little thing, hardly even worth it to call it an incident, a tiny little happening. A happening-ette. The very quantum unit of an event. It was called The Tiananmen Square Massacre. People who have the slightest awareness of current events outside their own country heard of it, oh, just about 20 years ago. But of course there was no Olympic Coverage for you to have an opinion about it then.

Should the “Mosquito” anti-teen device be banned?

“have RSPCA been asked what this does to dogs after all they need to be taken into account.” Derek, Dorset, 12 Feb, 11:03

A very good point! I’ve nothing against dogs or cats or animals! As a supposedly ‘higher’ animal we should protect them.

Generalising means:
Cats, Dogs & Animals in general Have rights!
Unruly teenagers & yobs Have Human rights!

What am I forgetting?

A billion blistering barnacles!

What about the Rights of the VICTIMS???!!!

Hello! Hello!! Anybody home??!
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

It’s true, you know. Just the other day I found myself the victim of some Teenagers Standing Around Doing Nothing. I was walking to the tube station and they looked at me. If it weren’t for this stupid Human Rights legislation there’d have been no obstacle to me chopping their fucking hands off, and deservedly so!

Roy Scheider: In Memoriam

“He looked good on camera, but thats about it. He wasnt a very good actor.” steven morris, dorset, U K Recommended by 22
11 Feb 2008 18:00

The grammar & spelling in this comment are great! What are you 23 people on? Preferences can’t be legislated but most people here and in general would agree that he was a good/great actor and not a looker!

But please get a life; all of you. Criticising even when someone passes away is ???
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

…is exactly what you just did?

Ryanair has been told to withdraw an advert which features a model dressed as a schoolgirl beside the headline ‘Hottest back to school fares’.

Mr Sherrard-…believed the advert was not irresponsible nor offensive and would therefore “not be withdrawing this ad” and would “not provide the ASA with any of the undertakings they seek”.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating! The kind of adverts you’re defending are fine as long as they don’t affect anyone close to you. Right?

Sire! Are you married? How many daughters do you have? How many underage girls in your extended family? How would you react if one of them came to harm??!
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

Are you offering?

Do you feel “broke”?

It’s a bit late to ask that question! With the current lot in power for over a decade, I’ve been like Humpty Dumpty since I don’t know when!
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

Fat, stupid, and needing a whole regiment of horsemen to keep you going?

Should the council be allowed to thieve even more of your heard earned White GREAT BRITISH Pounds to give to immigrants and single mothers?

Council tax to go up by 5% & police pay rise must be “under 2% to keep inflation under control.”!

Inflation is caused when too much money chases too few goods. This means that consumers create a huge demand for goods. Supply can’t meet that demand & the prices go up. Fine!

What has council tax got to do with demand? The councils say they are being asked to do more with less funds & Whitehall says this isn’t true!

REALLY beggars belief! Bah!

International waters ARE the best! I’m off!
Captain-in-the-Dock, Lost ‘n’ Found in Britain

If only I could believe it.

Maggie Jones, bless her, tries so hard with the iylismwdyglt’s:

I’d rather live in a decent city like Cairo where you don’t get knifed and people are polite
than live in this expensive, dangerous London.
Ibrahim, London

Your having a larf ! I’ve been to Cairo, and one thing it is not is decent. People harass you, pickpocketing, begging is rife, filth, smells, anti-westerners……..Ibrahim my friend, there are many airports here in the UK most fly to Cairo, off you go son, no-one is stopping you !
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

But sometimes she doesn’t quite pull it off:

The Western invaded Muslim countries! There’s not 1 Muslim country that’s not been either intellectually or physically invaded by the West - We don’t want Western style democracy in our lands, we don’t want your troops in our lands, the sooner you move out of our lands I for one will be happy to go!
Mohammed, London

Not to mention all those Muslim countries that have been invaded by brother Muslims, Iraq/Iran, Iraq/ Kuwait, the list goes on, and so should you!
Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

She also sometimes gets confused about what she thinks:

I wonder how many of us would eat meat if we had to kill it & prepare it ourselves. I reckon that 95% of the country would go vegetarian.
Chickens are reared in appalling conditions and suffer a horrendous death just to go on our plate.

They feel pain just like us, and their little short lived lives are worth just a couple of quid, Tesco’s have done themselves no favours here.

Yes I eat meat & so does my husband, but humanity does not exist where there is a profit to be made.

Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

I just wish she could control these FUCKING MOOD SWINGS!

People are sick of war, too much indiscriminate loss of life, being in Jerusalem you more than anyone should be in favour of talks.

Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

I very often make bread & butter pudding with my stale bread, it was what my lovely Mum taught me, she taught me to never waste food, so what happens when my niece and friends came the other day looked at my bread & butter pudding and said Yuk !!

After I finally persuaded them to try it, within 5 minutes the dish was scraped clean, and to top it all my niece asked me for the recipe. It all comes down to education at the end of the day.

Its amazing what dishes you can prepare with left-overs.

Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

If these thugs persist in carrying knives to use in gang fights etc: and their desire is to kill & inflict pain on innocents, may I suggest they go to the front line in Afghanistan & Iraq, to get rid of their venom & anger.

When faced with their own possible death, they might know how it feels to be on the receiving end of madmen who would quite happily behead them or blow them up, fear works wonders for bullies & thugs ! Make it compulsory.

Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

Bring back the Death Penalty, abolish the PC brigade. Cut out all the luxuries of prison, give these thugs the rope, end of story !!

Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

But she makes up for all that with an edgy sense of humour. Ask her about binge-drinking, go on, ask her.

It all started with Jesus, turning that water into wine !

(Relax I’m Christian)

Maggie Jones, Cheltenham, United Kingdom

I think the thing that troubles the anti-multiculturalists so much is that when anyone of any race could be doing any job, how are you supposed to apply the rigid conformist class structure which they rely on to tell them whether to sneer or tug their forelock? If only they knew the class system isn’t dead, it’s just expressed in unfamiliar ways. Real Aquascutum vs fake Burberry, for instance. Or “creative” naming of your crotchspawn.

HYS, naturally, has a few comedy giants just itching for the chance to fuck up their offsprings’ lives.

We have three children two girls named Storm and Skye and a boy named Blade … if we have another boy, his name will be Raven, River or Rayne.

TJ, Hampshire, UK

Oooh, you should totally have another girl and call her Nyghtebloode. Or Scrythe. Or Deathhhe. They’ll make fantastic little goth bridesmaids when you finally get around to having your mediæval-themed wedding. Þuckwit.

I fell into this trap completely by accident with my son Connor. It was only when his first piece of post arrived that we realised he was C. Shaw.

Phil Shaw, Portsmouth

Haha yeah, the shit he must get in the schoolyard for that. C. Shaw! God, I’m dying here. Hyperventilating. It’s like you called your kid see-saw, if you only use his first initial and ignore that the stresses and sounds of the second word are completely different. What a gaffe!

I changed my name by deed poll to Jenna Dana Bananarama Rater. I’m now the Jenna Rater!

Jenna Dana Bananarama Rater, Cardiff, Wales

I bet you follow up introducing yourself by shaking hands, only you’ve got a hand buzzer in there! Or maybe a fake hand! Or googly eyeball glasses! Must be a laugh a minute sharing an office with you!!

I have had my future kids names picked out for the last 5 years: Spoon Marie, Toaster Thadious, and Grayson Basin Mason…maybe I should have 4 now that Tullulah Does The Hula From Hawaii has become free!

Cassie, Cardiff

Notwithstanding that you can’t even spell Thaddeus properly before inflicting it on some poor kid, I think you need to learn that the names that seem so cute on your bed-smothering collection of dead-eyed stuffed toys will not be so appropriate on actual living beings. Not that you’re likely to get impregnated on there. Any root action is going to result in a fatal landslip of Forever Friends. It’ll take days to dig your unfortunate paramour’s funfur-choked body from the ruins.

Thanks to Sam for these from the “Can Labour recover from the latest defeat?” thread.

(G)ordon B(rown) = Grown. Funny what our economy has Grown into. Little acorns. Sorry, i missed MP’s wages out. Wasn’t it long ago that the media was telling the unemployed to get jobs in the building industry? Yes. So much for that plan. B(row)n. Row us across to an island of Paradise. I’ll build a few cheap affordable houses out of Bamboo and tree leaf. In the cold winter i’ll take comfort in a stone cave and with a free log fire…Caroline Flint, (Flint) i need this to light a fire.
Nick, South Shields

Yeah. Um. That’s sparkling wit and dazzling wordplay, Nick. I always wondered who “Countdown” was for.

Here, I’ll help you out. Watch and learn as Metal Face Clive wins the open mic poetry slam.

prudence? inherited good economy robbed pensions stealth taxed EVERYONE to the max, reduced support for councils so taxes rise alarmingly, increased burden of civil service(and pensions) beyond belief, ripped motorists pitilessly, spent fortunes with little effect on services, encouraged irresponsible lending so when the wheel turns there is no leeway, raised in a manse forgot 7 good years and 7 lean years the worst chancellor on record. exams worthless crime rampant unions back election now !
clive pettitt, bridport

Some exceedingly conscious rhymes right there.

What do you think about Radovan Karadzic? If you don’t know who he is, just give your general thoughts on Muslims, that’ll do.

This arrest is unfair. War is a nasty business and people get killed - including civilians. Was Winston Churchill a war criminal because of the bombing of Dresden? If you knew Balkan history you would see the war against the Bosnian Muslims was justified. The Serbs are an ancient and proud people. For centuries they lived under the appalling persecution of the Turks. Why should they have lived under Muslim rule in Bosnia again? Bosnia and Kosova will be the new beachheads of Islam in SE Europe.

[SaxonHero], Lancashire, England (not UK)

PC gone mad I tell you! Next the loony left will be claiming Hiroshima and Nakasaki were a bit excessive.

This man is only a criminal if you are a muslim or an appeaser.

To true Serbians, he was a hero.

I suggest people do some proper research into what actually happened, and why Radovan Karadzic did what he did.

Don’t trust the EU censored version of events.

Toby Johnson, Hastings, United Kingdom

“Dreadfully sorry Abdul, nobody likes being ethnically cleansed, but if we stopped just on your account, that would be appeasement, and you know where that got us with Hitler.”

ohh so this hits world news now, what about the muslim and croat war criminals why dont use put them up world wide??? put the words “HERO AND PATRIOT” next to his name!

Serb Patriot, Melbourne

You know Serb Patriot, I’d always expected you to have completely the opposite idea.

The Serbs acted with great restraint given 50 or more years of occupation of their homeland by outsiders who have now ” declared independence” from Serbia.

don caskey, New Zealand

Next time I hear someone talking about Israeli ‘restraint’ while blowing stuff up, I’ll point them in your direction. Unless they’re carrying ‘restraints’, in which case they’re probably heading your way anyway.

I could download music and and the ISP would not know as I wouldn’t be on a file sharing site, I am not going to say how it can be done but it can and you will never pick up a virus or trojan or anything dangerous by doing it. I bet this doesn’t get posted
Dean Stockton, york, United Kingdom

Thanks to Andrew for spotting Captain Perspective here.

Many here claim that gays are born that way! Let’s for a moment accept that. In a few years or many years later the following say that they’re born that way and are God’s children too:

~Murderers, serial killers, mass murderers
~Rapists, serial rapists, gang rapists
~Paedophiles
~Necrophiliacs
~People indulging in bestiality

WHERE DOES humanity draw a line? Or is it just a case of ‘enough’ people of a particular type getting together and demanding acceptance from the majority? Tell me!

[KING-of-the-APES], Rumble in the Jungle

As Andrew says, “Rather beautiful really. Acceptance of homosexuality is a slippery slope to people murdering kids and then knobbing the corpses. While giving a dog a handjob.”

I like to imagine that when KING-of-the-APES board a bus, he grabs the driver by his lapels and shouts “WHERE DOES this bus go? Do you stop when ‘enough’ people of a particular type ring the bell? Tell me!” Because that would just confirm that he’s an orangutan’s oozing uterus.

If I were a rock star and finally got my break …I wouldnt like it if my music was being shared illegally over the net !!!
deja vu

Your music will never be shared illegally over the internet.