spEak You're bRanes

On that Whitfield chap. Nestled away amongst people saying they didn’t know who he was, and people who’ve confused Spartacus with reality, was found this:

I shake my head in wonder and sadness at our readiness to sacrifice our beautiful and precious talent on the alter of political correctness that will not allow even the mention of alternative cancer treatments in the public venue, in spite of the overwhelming scientific evidence that some of them work very well.
think

Hollywood has a severe lack of proponents of weird health alternatives, yes. Why don’t you grind up your computer into a poultice, cram a quart of bee stingers up your pooper, cut all your fingers off, drink a bottle of rat piss and fuck off over there on a public awareness campaign? I’m not saying it’ll cure cancer, but it’ll certainly put you out of my gradually expanding misery. Which is probably better than curing cancer, in a lot of respects.*

*The ones that involve me.

Thanks to Lisa. Here’s Clive, from Oxford. You know, where you find punts.

Women of child bearing age are the problem! i.e. from 15 to about 45-50. It’s why they can only work in the public sector and menial/trivial jobs like services and cleaning. Who in their right mind would hire a woman??? The REALITY is work for women is privilege not a right, so in times of great stress, caused by wishful thinking (banks extended all that credit for profit AND to pull the masses up from the gutter, admittedly for future profit), the British people have to compromise and yes, SACRIFICE for their survival. Women just have to take a step back for a while, stop emasculating the wealth creators, and continue to propagate the species! Did they forget what their PRIAMRY role is? I’m sure the feminists are all up in arms, but men didn’t create humans, so it’s not our fault that women have children while we work!
Clive, Oxford, UK

Who would in their right mind would hire a woman? Not Clive, who’s clearly in his right mind, and who has a really firm grasp on the situation. If the situation was his cock, and the really firm grasp was caused by his miserable sense of self-loathing and the tears that flow bitterly from his eyes as he finds himself passed over for opportunities by women who came from the public sector and turned out to be much better at his job than he ever was. And, curiously enough, not grossly offensive people.

But hey, don’t go thinking Clive’s a middle-aged blimp with a gender-based inferiority complex who can’t stop having angry wanks. No. I’m sure that’s not the case of all. It’s just nature. And you can’t blame nature, or Clive for pointing it out, no matter how many times you’ve read The Female Eunuch.

So, ladies – step up to the plate, and take it on the chin. Or in the vagina. Whichever’s easier. And when you’ve saved the country by quitting work and having babies on some kind of production line system, just remember to thank Clive for pointing out nature and shit. You’ll find him in the empty women’s bogs at work, staring at the tampon machine and having an angry wank.

Thank fuck for David Starkey, eh? Here he is, eloquently arguing that he’s not racist by saying, basically, that “some of my best mates are black and look, some coloureds agree with me”. Have a read. You’ll see how deep a man can actually dig a hole.

While you’re reading that finely sifted horseshit – and the lumpy horseshit that makes up the comments section – remember to thank Charlie, who braved it all to find us some people who were decidedly less than eloquent about how they’re not racist and it’s all just cultural. Or genetic. Or both.

I await with interest the public explosion when some scientist shows that there IS a genetic difference in the races. I have taught mathematics for 45 years and in that time I have noticed that Japanese, Chinese, Indian and some white students thrive in abstract concepts -essential in advanced mathematics – but that sub-Saharan Africans find the whole subject a bore. This may be because I am a boring individual but then there might be other reasons.
tony2back

Yes. There might be. It might be because you Tipp-Exed numbers onto everyone’s foreheads because you couldn’t tell them apart otherwise. Incidentally, we’re on the lookout for the gene that makes people overrate their made-up anecdotal evidence. Can you help out? It’ll take five minutes with a sub-Saharan African and a small cup.

I am married to a Chinese woman.

Based on their different genetic make up and cultural background I could tell you a great deal of different characteristics between her and my white Caucasian sister.

The ability to get things down from high shelves without the use of a stool would be the first that springs to mind. My wife’s work ethic which puts everyone else I know to shame being the second.

By the definition of the word any realist is in fact a racist different ethnic make up equals’ different characteristics fact.
sailor25

See, this is why I bother with this shit. It’s to find out things you couldn’t possibly know until some prepackaged fanny puts it on the internet – in this case, I just found out that my wife, who’s been working 60 hour weeks lately and can’t reach the top shelf in the supermarket, is Chinese. You live and learn. Except for sailor25. He lives and becomes a bit stupider every day. It must be all the Chinese food his wife is inevitably good at cooking. Because she’s from China and she’s a woman! See! It’s genetics! And culture!

I’m bored of this now. It might seem a bit premature, given that there’s 2,000 comments on there, but I got utterly sick of reading through debates made up of mindless bollocks spunked out by unmitigated realists, who, by pure chance, are all being realistic about black people.

Oh, alright, one more.

Listen to David Lammy: an archetypical successful black man. If you turned the screen off, so you were listening to him on the radio, you’d think he was white.
David Starkey

Yeah. And if I turned the screen off, so I was listening to you on the radio, I’d still think you were some kind of cuntish pseudo-celebrity trying to increase his exposure by aiming right for where his Daily Mail reading target audience like to be tickled. But if it helps, I’d also think you were white.

Letter to West End Extra. From a cunt, naturally.

FINALLY, Westminster Council have got serious in their plans to end rough sleeping in the borough, and the horrible soup runs and daily begging which blight the areas off Victoria Street.

I am a local resident, and have been for 25 years. I have spoken to many rough sleepers, and virtually all of them have serious problems with alcohol, drug abuse and or mental health / personality disorder.

The longer they stay on the streets the worse their problems become, to the point where it is almost impossible for them to live productive or constructive lives.

The truth is that many of them in Victoria and in Westminster have chosen to sleep on the streets and subsidise their drug / alcohol abuse by getting free food from the soup kitchens and spending every penny of their own money – made from begging or from benefits – on their drugs and alcohol.

Soup kitchens and people who give them money are, in reality, keeping them on the streets, dependent and irresponsible, making sure they never face up their problems or responsibilities.

The city council is absolutely right to do everything it can to make rough sleeping, begging and soup kitchens unacceptable in the UK in 2011.

It’s great, too, that the homeless charities have finally realised that rough sleeping, soup kitchens, begging, actually is the worst response possible.

People must be forced in their own best interests to accept the help that is offered from charities and the state.

It should no longer be their choice to live like this and force residents to put up with the attendant disorder, violence, anti-social behaviour.

Well done Westminster!

GR
Address supplied, SW1

The other day actually, me and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. In the end, we decided to find some poor, lost soul without even a roof over his head, and help him find the motivation to get off the street. To face up to his responsibilities and lead a productive, constructive life. To resist the lure of free soup and cups of tea and move into a lovely two-bed semi in Dorset. And what did we get in return? A stream of verbal abuse. Fucking ingrate.

Blah blah riots.

Thanks to Charlie.

just inmagin if we go through a national crisis like japan or food shortages or some pandemic just like nostradamus predicted humans will eat humans if anyone disagree just look at the above footage again we are becoming animals and animals becoming more civilised cant even think what it would be like if the goverment collapsed.
monjur

Right. You watch some twats mugging a kid with a bloody face, it doesn’t take a huge leap of the imagination to see them sat naked on their haunches, cocks swinging like little aubergines, chewing greedily on that same kid’s upper arms and thighs. And oh-ho, what’s this? One of them is happily lapping up his brain, holding the head like a punch bowl. See the look on the face there: a disgusting cocktail of agony, disbelief and horror, a frozen moment, like the kind of sick fuck Halloween mask you might find hanging in a weird, UV-lit, back-street novelty shop in Blackpool.

This is what happens when you take your eye, even momentarily, off the lower orders. As Nostradamus predicted: “The hooded ghost shall shatter the invisible wall / His bounty now within his grasp / Cities shall crumble and nations collapse / At his feet, clad in boxfresh Filas.”

Only the government can prevent this nightmare from becoming reality. With shrieking, reactionary politics and the kind of iron-fisted authoritarianism Michael Howard might’ve drawn the line at, they can force the revolting peasants back down where they belong, if not further. But they can’t do it without your help.

If you donate just £5 a month, we can supply the government with water cannon, baton rounds and funds for entertaining senior representatives of the tabloid press.

Together, we can deny them a future. Together, we can drain them of hope. Together, we can gang-fuck the poor.

Thanks to Ros, who found Asquith going on about… well, I don’t know. But apparently it’s riot related.

If the army is sent in, that in itself will be a national humiliation.

Its important to remember that women (the Base Unit) are programmed to measure men by social status (Alpha, Beta, Omega), which means that men, who are little more than USB Flash Drives that are plugged into women, have no reason or purpose to live without their “functionality.”

Human Beings basically do Three Things:

1. Create
2. Fuck
3. Destroy

If a man cannot do 1 or 2, then many will turn to 3.

Don’t forget the lack of male teachers, too.Only role models for boys are thick footballers and idiot rappers.
Asquith

Oooh, I don’t know mate. I’m sure you could be a decent male role model. After all, what society really needs right now is men who can turn everything into a diatribe about their inability to form or maintain relationships with the opposite sex, taking their own failures and extrapolating them into the root cause of big, complicated issues because it’s just common sense.

Not that I’m comfortable with these dangerous assumptions, you understand. But if the cap fits – and preferably has a slogan on it about how everything is the fault of women – then, well, you should probably wear it. And then march in the street holding a big placard that says something like, “UNDERVALUED BECAUSE I HAVE A PENIS” or “I AM NOT JUST A PENIS, BASE UNIT”.

You could even riot. I note that the vast majority of the rioters consisted of socially retarded single males who got sick of watching too much internet porn and making shit up, the closest they got to fucking and creating. Well, actually, I just assumed it because of the blinding glare off the surface of the pasty-white crowd when they got close to the bits of society that were burning to the ground.

Please don’t blame me for this, ladies. It’s not really my fault, this tendency to assume things. The missus unplugged me without clicking the ‘safely remove hardware’ button first.

Here’s a parrot that can speak Urdu. And here’s a bell-end who thinks the parrot has learned English.

So a Parrot can learn Urdu as well as English while a bloke in Pakistan gets his wife to sue the British Government because HE refuses to learn English, and unless he does we won’t let him migrate here. It sort of puts things in perspective dosn’t it!
Marshian, Romney Marsh

Yep, sure does. For instance, I’m a long way away from you right now, but even from here I can tell that your brain is very, very small. Incidentally, the parrot can also bark like a dog, so you can expect him to start making comments on the Daily Mail website any day now.

are you crackers? it’s a PARROT!
rosy bertram, essex

That was quick! Also, hilarious.

Oh, dear. Something awful has happened. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, what with being trapped in your white, middle class, bubble of liberal idealism, but some serious shit’s going down right now. It’s so serious, in fact, that this cunt has taken a break from dishing out street justice in copious amounts because it’s just become far too dangerous. Luckily for us, he went and got on the internet straight away, just to make this outrageously docile comment:

I would have liked to help stop the thuggary but I did not want to get arrested, sued, breach their human rights, get fined by “no win no fee” solicitors, get a criminal record, lose my job. It looks like the law/police/goverment is on the side of the thugs, blindfolding common sence. If the the law is incapable then take away all their money including their family who shelter them.
david jones, walsall uk

Oh, fucking hell, David! Just when we needed you! Just when Commissioner Gordon was on the blower to me, asking exactly where you were, and if your Batman suit had come back from the dry cleaners yet – now you tell us that this is the point where you can’t help us any more! After all, when law and order has broken down, when the State has failed and when anarchy prevails, you’re quite rightly scared of getting sued! On contingency! These things happen. I’ve seen The Incredibles. You’d end up in kangaroo court or something, and I’ve heard they’re even more sarcastic than Judge Judy.

Just when we need David Jones where he does most good – on the streets of Walsall in rubber undies, wandering around with what the guy in the shop told him was a 12″ black rubber serrated baton – he fails us. The alternative plan of taking all their money away could work, but without David to protect us they’ll just steal all our stuff anyway! And they can do that even when they’ve had their benefits cut!

DAVID, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US??? WHO WILL SAVE US NOW!!?!

Two superheroes have been spotted in and around London over the past few days called ‘Blackman and Robbing’.
Call-me-Coconut, UK

Well, Clinical Depression Boy is about to turn up. Can he help us? Unlikely. He usually just induces catatonic foetal positions and extended absences from the internet.

TEAR GAS – RUBBER BULLETS – TASERS -STUN GUNS – CHEMICAL PARALYZING SPRAYS – HIGH AUDIO FREQUENCY BLASTERS – TRANQUILIZING ELEPHANT GUN DARTS – WATER CANNONS WITH PURIFYING ROTTING DYE – all need to be used ASAP and all we get from this home secretary is she tells us she is watching the CCTV…………………………….!!!!!!!
Roy, Essex

Oh, thank fuck for that. Our worries are over. It turns out that Roy will defend us all, weilding the massive hard-on he gets after reeling off the names of a whole bunch of fictional military technology what he did drew when it was raining. Just pray to God he doesn’t have a wank.

Anyway, never mind calling out for a hero. What we really need to know is how we can connect this to Muslims.

Here is another reason to outright BAN face coverings.
melita, ex pat

Thanks melita! And give my regards to Pat when you see him. Unless he still thinks you’re a cunt and avoids you like the plague, like everyone else.

Some of us have opinions about things like browsers. Some of us use Internet Explorer. All of us are spunking our lives away.

The interpipes briefly played host to a bit of a bukkake party last week, after reports emerged of a survey which supposedly found that the average IE user is blessed with a lower IQ than those who use Firefox, Chrome or Opera to look at tits and videos of cats in boxes.

But now we must clean up, put our trousers back on, mutter some half-hearted goodbyes and shuffle away back to our families with our eyes fixed firmly on the floor, because it turns out the whole thing was a hoax.

Look on the bright side, though – Ian’s found this wanker lingering in the basement, still trying to get hard.

I mean look, IE is the default browser on nearly all computers sold, so of course more people will use it. The higher computer literate people might switch, and are more likely to, than the average user, im afraid to say mainly women, in my experience, who just use “The internet” and hope it works. I am not saying women have lower IQ, i am not sure what the test was about exactly, but it does seem likely that the people using IE, are because they have no idea there are other browsers, or just use a computer to do internet things and nothing fancy or power user(y)
jamieostrich

You know, “The internet”. It’s the stripped-down version of the internet that comes bundled with overpriced, low-spec computers in PC World, which are sold – I’m afraid to say, though I’m going to say it anyhow, without any justification whatsoever – mainly to women.

“The internet” was developed in 2009 by Magnup Hamilto of California. While working for a popular high street ISP, Hamilto noticed that his company’s broadbands were frequently being clogged up by casual users doing frivolous things like communicating with other human beings and online banking and what have you. His answer? “The internet”, designed to draw fucken n00b5 and chicks away from the internet, freeing it up for proper users who need hella raw digital power to do hardcore high-tech shit.

Real computer guys don’t just use “The internet” and hope it works. They use the internet and hope it doesn’t work. Because real users love nothing more than wasting whole evenings configuring software just so it’ll do the job it was fucking designed to do.
Magnup Hamilto

Hamilto is now developing Internet Pro, which is a lot like the internet, except you need a £500 license to use it, plus it has a save function or something. Internet Pro will be available to super power elite users in spring 2012. Why not order your copy now?

Thanks to Jo. The original comment has disappeared and left only foul smelling footprints all over the internet, but forward-thinking Jo has helpfully pasted it over for us (hint, hint). The original article about Rebekah Brooks getting fired, is here, but like the majority of things in Comment is Free, it’s a depressingly obvious piece of self-indulgent tripe written by a confirmed moron. So get on over there and read it, because it’s right up there in terms of CiF quality.

@Savale

“Are you a Daily Mail columnist?

If so watch out – we’ll be onto your lot next!”

What a horrible bilesome comment.

What’s going on here? A strong woman made a couple of mistakes. I’m sure that Rebekah would admit this.

She shouldn’t have hacked Milly Dowlers phone, but I’m sure it was done for the right reasons. Besides which, remember this girl was already dead ok? Tragic but true.

It that the sole community who are coming out in support of Rebekah are the gay community. Just like when Princess Diana was victim of a wtich hunt. We now know that Diana was a beautiful person, some dayn we’ll know the same about Rebekah I’m sure.
JaneKnowels

Yep. She’s a saint, alright. A big, ginger saint. And strong, too – strong enough to rip the sack from a man’s oysters if he even thought about crossing her. I hope Rusbridger’s got his chastity belt at the ready.

She’s incredible, really – she started off shagging Grant from Eastenders and ended up playing polo with David Cameron,* presumably using George Osborne as the stick and Grant’s left clanker as the ball. And I’m sure that just like Princess Diana, everyone is very keen to see Rebekah closely involved with about 10,000,000 landmines, and would pay quite a lot of money to see her in the middle of a minefield in Afghanistan.**

At least now we know they’ve expanded the definitition of saintly behaviour. Before JaneKnowels started this degenerate harpy’s canonisation process, I was convinced it was either a lifetime’s selfless dedication to the poor, starving and downtrodden, or it was spending your life giving sex advice when the nearest you’d got to sex was wanking into the Archbishop of Liverpool’s mitre while he was prostrating himself somewhere very holy.

So in the list of acts that will get you giving God a Dirty Sanchez for all eternity, we can now include the very necessary and absolutely defensible act of illegally accessing a dead girl’s voicemail so you can get some inside information on her family, and then using that to get an interview that sells more copies of the News of the World. After all, to deny Rupert the opportunity to buy another small municipality to stuff into Wendi Deng’s knickers would be practically criminal. There’s right reasons for everything, and making sure the scrotal-headed one’s garbage empire has its shares knocked up a billionth of a penny is the rightest of right reasons.

And it’s okay. Milly Dowler was dead. And that means nobody got hurt at all, and Rebekah Brooks will ascend into heaven on a cloud of cinnamon scented farts for everything she’s done for humanity.***

Amen, JaneKnowels…

…you massive lump of cock-cheese.

* I don’t know if this is true, but I’m taking my lead from a fucking saint, alright?
** Or dying a painful, lingering death in an underpass.
*** And if you don’t like cinnamon, they’ll smell like justice for the victims of paedophiles, just for you.