spEak You're bRanes

Thanks to Nik and Darren for emailing this Mail story about how right wingers are less intelligent than left wingers. Everyone’s talking about how this study either proves everything they always thought was true, or how it’s inherently flawed.

Me, I’m a sceptic. How is it flawed?

This study does not appear to address the phenomenon of people becoming more right wing as they age. Many left-wing supporters abandon their opinions as the grow older and begin to realise that their socialist philosophy has been naive and simplistic. Faced with this evidence I would suggest that right wing views are often the result of life experience and accumulated wisdom. Or do the presumably liberal researchers who produced this study think that we just become stupid when we age?
Tony Vickers, Winfield BC

Yes, I too am utterly dismayed that the study didn’t include bits of apocryphal anecdotal information in its design and label it as Undeniable Scientific Fact. Why, now that you’ve pointed out this irrefutable evidence, I can only submit that the study is inherently flawed because Tony Vickers wasn’t consulted about What Common Sense Dictates To Be Gospel.

I hereby submit that future studies on any given subject that Tony finds to be contentious or contrary to common sense should include similar evidence mined from the dark crevices of his imagination. For example, we can now get along to our nearest social or medical research centre and pressure them to include gems such as “My grandad smoked forty a day since he was fifteen and he lived until he was ninety”, “You can’t get pregnant from the first time because when my wife and I did it for the first time she didn’t get pregnant” and “All Polish people are plumbers. They must be, because I met a Polish guy once, and he was a plumber.”

This is a joke ……right ? Only because anyone wanting there own culture to be saved is deemed “racist” by “inteligent” left wingers ? . Only in this dustbin they call the UK. The whole world is entitled to their own culture … but not Britain . A country decimated by an experiment gone horribly wrong by idiots and voted for by idiots and a lesson to others . Thats why we are laughed at . It is now a crime to even say this is wrong ! . Thats how far it has got .
david, england

Yes, it’s gone so far that now david is being persecuted for crimes that don’t exist and is being laughed at for some reason I can’t quite work out. It might be because he’s wandering around claiming that it’s a crime to say that immigration (I assume – it’s usually safe to assume these unsaid things are about immigration) isn’t something he agrees with. Which it’s not, obviously. Not even to say that in a profoundly stupid way. But nevertheless, the end result is that david gets laughed at a lot.

We must feel for david, going through all this, when all he’s trying to do is find another inventive and original way to show everyone that immigration has destroyed Britain and the indigenous population is under threat. He’s failing at that, largely because in order to fully understand his point, you have to tune your brain to Batshit FM. And who the fuck wants to listen to LBC Radio?

Unless, of course, david’s plaintive cries for common sense and reprieve for the downtrodden Briton are actually just a very convincing joke. And they seem to have a large element of comedy about them. So in that case, feel free to laugh at david if you see him in the street, because that’s what he wants. And don’t forget to point. The pointing is very important.

It’s a sad day when something ends up polluting your own safe haven. I’m not talking about Alex’s post, of course. I’m talking about NickNick, way down in the comments.

But, hey, I’m romanticising the place – let’s face facts, this place has always been a magnet for the kind of appositional dickhead who likes to think he can show us exactly how we’re wrong for thinking they’re cunts by using the kind of impenetrable logic often seen in the Red Lion’s pool room at 11pm on a Friday evening. Let’s see what the latest appositional dickhead in the grand scheme of dickheads with stupid, fallacious arguments has to say.

If a disabled person wants my help to pay their living costs, they should ask me in person – I’m fed up with money being expropriated from me, and given to any moocher who convinces a low paid, bored, incompetent bureaucrat to finance them, from my money.
NickNick

You’re right, Nick. It absolutely should work exactly like that. Every single disabled person on a benefit in the UK should have to go around to every single taxpayer and personally ask them for their share of the money they get every week. It’ll be what, about £120 a week, right? It’s only fair, and it’s only reasonable.

Let’s see… that’s £120 divided by 30,000,000 taxpayers… carry the one…

Okay! There’ll be a queue of 2 million disabled benefit claimants around in the morning asking for 0.0004p each, and 29,999,999 other taxpayers facing similar queues and calling you a burst haemorrhoid. By the way, some of those disabled people claiming some benefits might also be working and are also taxpayers, so they’ll also be kicking and/or punching you in the bollocks as their individual disabilities allow. You know, just to save time.

I know this wasn’t exactly the solution you were looking for, Nick, but it does involve maths – and isn’t something that involves dividing by a really large number much better than just comparing you to a really large sexual organ?

Thanks to Kathryn for pointing out this illuminating – haha – discussion on light pollution.

All the light bulbs in my house have in total 300W. But my electric kettle is taking over 1000W. Maybe somebody will think about that? Microwave kettle? Rather then waste time on such a pointless discussion. We need a lights on the streets as well as in the cars. There is a massive waste of money, but not on the street lights. I think that everybody knows about who and what I am talking about?
LukeLoz

Let me guess: it’s you, and it’s everything that maintains your existence.

Please say I’m right!

Some tedious wank about fake disableds from some pointless whittering arse, who seems to get paid solely for being the most right-wing person in the room at all times. He sets the bar high for wounded, belligerent stupidity, but the bottom half of the internet rises beautifully to the challenge.

MrBishi
Today 07:20 PM

In the 1950s and 60s unemployment was as low as 500,000 and that included the disabled. A remarkably low figure bearing in mind that this was shortly after WW2. Separate disability payments did not come into existence until the mid 1970s.

The obvious conclusion must be that there are a huge number of “fake” disabled claimants or the NHS has suffered a catastrophic failure.

I don’t want to sound like a conspiracy nut but, what if, shortly before the 1950s and 60s, something happened that made an awful lot of building and tidying work necessary, while simultaneously reducing the number of humans by quite a lot? I think we should be told.

Thanks to Beth.

Here’s a horrible indictment on the state of the NHS, colourfully illustrated by a woman giving birth in the middle of a hospital waiting room in full public view.

The response from readers of the Standard? She’s fahckin’ brahn, intshe.

cost of one baby approx 20K, so she has cost 120K just in babies. I am not even going to mention the housing benefit she will get with 6 kids.
No sympathy from me, I am afraid.
Mike, London

No, no sympathy from Mike. Just a vapid assumption that the brown woman is on benefits. Had to undergo a humiliating experience in front of strangers and are one in a long line of examples of grossly inadequate services at a major London hospital? Fuck you! You don’t deserve sympathy. Have some scorn instead: hot British scorn. See, she’s fucking smiling in that photo – no sympathy! No wonder she’s smiling, living the easy life with those six kids on all that housing benefit it’s safe to assume she’s getting because she’s brown. And because, apparently, you get housing benefit for having kids.

I can’t really feel sorry. Ilford via where? Sixth child at my expense? I’m rather glad she didn’t get a bed. Perhaps if she goes home she might get a better deal.
Vomit inducing, London

Yes, we’ll be sending bailiffs around for your car and flat screen TV later so we can flog them on eBay to pay for her treatment. And then we’ll be moving two of her kids into your spare room. And you have to pay for them and look after them. But you can’t show them any love and they won’t show you any respect. Big Society thing. We’re doing direct democracy, but we’re trying the direct taxation thing first.

Max Clifford will be on the case with Cheri Blair chasing a buck on the human rights front…..Back home she would have been left in a mud hut to fend for herself thank your lucky stars your in the UK milking the system.
avalidopinion, London.Uk

Yes, wherever “back home” is, you can safely assume it’s unreasonably savage and uncivilised and people live in mud huts. Because it’s fairly obvious that unless it’s Spain (wonderfully decorated but sparsely furnished terracotta block housing), Italy (waterlogged but wonderfully decorated and sparsely furnished canalside block housing), Greece (wonderfully decorated but sparsely furnished villas in olive groves), or Egypt (they have hotels, apparently, I know a guy who went there on holiday, said it was hot, but nice, but there were a lot of annoying locals touting for business, haven’t been there myself, but it seems about right) then if it’s hot and people wear things on their heads, and they’re not royalty or something, they must live in some kind of mud hut. Why, even their hospitals will be made of mud or something! Stands to reason! It’s not racism. It’s common sense, and it’s a valid opinion.

Tip: if you have to state that you think your opinion is valid, then it’s probably a shit opinion, and you’re a giant fucknugget.

In the interests of balance how about a reporter from the Standard doing a background check on this story and finding out if this woman has the financial means to support such a large family, does she or her husband work? If not, just how much money does her family attract from the state? Also, keep an eye on the hospital and see if they do make a payout of tax payer’s money.
Pete, Northumberland/Iraq

Yes, that’s balance. I’m glad you’re familiar with the principles of balance, proportion and fairness and how they’re relevant to journalism today. For instance, it’s entirely fair and in the spirit of balanced journalism that if these people are actually on benefits, or if they receive any form of subsidy for the state at all – or even if there’s the merest non-race based suspicion that they do – then someone should violate their basic right to privacy and delve right into their finances just to be sure. Because if we didn’t know where they got their money from, then how exactly would we know if it was fair that she had to give birth in full view of complete strangers in the middle of a hospital waiting room?

Tell you what, in the interest of balance, while we’re using the Standard’s journalists to investigate this woman’s finances, let’s subject Pete to daily public colonoscopies without anaesthetic or lubrication. I have no real reason for suggesting this, except that I think Pete might have a better idea of what public humiliation and unnecessary invasion of privacy might feel like if we ram a 15ft tube up his arse in public every day for a week, and he might end up thinking twice before he suggests something painful, humiliating and invasive so he can get closure. Which, incidentally, is something his arsehole won’t be getting for a while if we go through with my plan.

How it can be ‘racist’ to describe the overwhelming of the NHS; the education system; the benefits’ system; and every aspect that is free at point of delivery, defeats me. The combined idiocy of the awful Blair-Brown Terror and their ludicrous open door policy has reduced this country to a shambles and practically ungovernable. France has a much better health service but their benefits are not in the same league as ours, so everyone flocks to Britain.

The person from Dundee ought to spend some time here in London. She clearly lives in a parallel universe.
David Llewelyn Davies, London, a Region of the European Soviet Union

You’re right David. It’s not racist to describe all of those things. It’s just racist when you say things like “back home she would have been left in a mud hut to fend for herself” and “Ilford via where?” and “perhaps if she goes home she might get a better deal”. Oh, and mentioning all those things and then saying something about a “ludicrous open door policy” and relating it all to immigration, and blaming people of a different colour. That’s racist – in fact, the blue riband of being a racist twat. It’s like a more nuanced, “I’m not racist, but…”

Just for fun, here’s another one about the same hospital, this time involving someone brown who died, but who has a husband with a better standard of English than most commenters. Can you spot the blame game in the comments?

That’s right… it’s the forrins we got for nurses. Merry Christmas. Seriously, have a good one.

Thanks to Claire.

Here’s Richard Dawkins telling everyone why he won’t debate with cunts. Wise words. Call them a cunt and then leave off. You could learn a great deal from this man.

Here’s someone who couldn’t, largely down to the burden of converting oxygen to energy and exhaling carbon dioxide.

So, do you remember that observed phenomenon when people extrapolate their own lives into the lives of the rich, famous, well-educated or hideously busy?

Of course Dawkins is reading this Toyo06.

What do you think he is, an Olympian God?

He wrote the little diatribe, he made his splash and now he wants to see the ripples.
Nainital

Yes. Richard Dawkins has been sat there, at his computer, continually refreshing the page, waiting for your comments. That’s what he does. He just writes articles for national newspapers, and then he goes on the internet to find the article and then he sits there and continuously refreshes the page waiting to see exactly which irrelevant shitmunching tossburger he’s pissed off this time.* And then he has another wank. He does exactly what you do – notwithstanding that you’re the irrelevant shitmunching tossburger in this whole paradigm, of course, and your involvement with any online community is very much the equivalent of a five year old child pissing in the corner of the room.

Has anyone else noticed that ‘Dawkins’ spelt backwards is ‘snik wad’, eh? I think that tells us a lot.
errrrr

Tells us either that you’re just a cunt, or you’re even shit at irony. But probably the cunt thing. It’s usually the cunt thing.

*Notwithstanding this statement, Dawkins has his say here. For God’s sake, please don’t get dragged in, Richard. It’s only a matter of time before you’re sat there at 5am in your underpants arguing on Yahoo News with a man from Texas whose considered opinion is that dinosaurs still exist and now they just all have jobs in government. At the very least, it shows that even the best of us can’t get involved in any part of the internet without exercising our right to reply. And that’s also my excuse.

Thanks to Ged.

Personally, I find it hard to approach the death of someone famous in a tactful way. Some people are more blessed. And others less so.

Its obviously something thats affected everyone deeply. The sheer unexpected nature of this is what is causing such pain. An accident is easier to understand. An illness gives you time to prepare. Even mental illness, whether its depression, bipolar or schizophrenia allows the relatives to steel themselves for this terrible possibility.

Its scant consolation given the apparent mystery surrounding Speed’s death, but all they have is good memories of a well-loved, well respected, honest, decent and admirable man. This will become important as times passes and, hopefully, some explanation emerges.

If he was suffering from depression or a related mental illness, it is a blessing that no one was the wiser considering his drastic action. They would have been powerless to help and would have had to deal with the wrenching pain of watching a loved one go through such horrendous torment.

Speed’s family and friends will be devastated, but they should hold on to what they had, rather than what might have been.
mikeygow

Yeah, it’s much better for his family and friends that he killed himself and they were none the wiser about anything. I’m sure once they’re done grieving they’ll take great solace from the fact that he wasn’t any trouble about it all, and at least they didn’t have to deal with a depressed bloke hanging around the place.

I shared a lift with Gary Speed in Albania in 1995. Although no words passed between us he seemed like a nice chap, although we were both heading for reception so there wasn’t much to say.
roastpudding

Yeah, cheers, mate! Let us know when you’ve not spoken to someone else.

Talkin’ ’bout washroom facilities.

I don’t find it acceptable to refer to the toilet as “washroom facilities” in a British newspaper.
wobinidan

My word, no. “Washroom facilities”? In a British newspaper? How dare you bring your crass Americanisms over here to our fair sceptred isle! This green and pleasant land, this land of hope and glory, of the Dunkirk spirit, Drake’s children, lion-hearted paragons of morality and truth, whenceforth did come the spirit – nay, freedom! – of the evacuation of one’s bowels and the damn near perfect British right to refer to the entire bathroom simply by referring to one of the features in said room! The toilet – the place where you go, curiously enough, not only to take a dump, but also the place you’ll go to wash your hands and have a quick Uncle Doug over the good old British page three stunnas in The Fucking Sun, For Fuck’s Sake. And allow any truly British person to be aghast, astounded and indignant should anyone try and not call it the toilet! For the way of the toilet – that is our British way!

I am aghast and astounded and highly indignant! Aghast, astounded, indignant and thoroughly ashamed that I managed to read that entire article and wasn’t nearly enough of an anally retentive, narrow-viewed, pedantically minded, jingoistic prick to notice that someone referred to the toilet as washroom facilities. Or, would you believe, not possessed of a brain so utterly dulled by a diet of Micro Chips, EastEnders and Simon Cowell brand orange pop that I decide to engage in an argument over the proper British terminology. Is is the toilet, or do we call it the lavatory? It’s so confusing! What’s the etiquette?

Clearly, I’m not British enough for our newspapers if I’m going to let such a gross slur on our national identity get by without remonstration, or even allow the remonstration to go without remonstration. As for the remonstration of the remonstration of the remonstration – well, I’m simply not man enough to go for the requisite eight weeks of continuous Typhoo enemas and intravenous Mr Kipling to get to that level of Britishness. And when you can’t imagine taking eight almond slices in the femoral artery, you know it’s time to move somewhere foreign and try to start again there.

There was a law voted in in Italy in 1988 initiated by the Communists guaranteeing free and unrestricted access to all the bogs in bars in Rome.

The result: all the bogs in bars in Rome suddenly had “Out Of Order” notices on them; the keys kept behind the bar for ‘valued customers.’

The moral of this story? Marxism cannot be introduced through social democracy.

( And the Italians are wily sods )
Gordonbnt

No, I think the moral of the story is that no matter how mundane and ordinary the discussion, there’s always going to be some cunt hanging around capable of reducing even the slowest and most banal of conversations to a geological pace with a demonstrative life story that makes all good and decent people want to kill their own children to save them growing up in the same world as that person. And the ancillary moral is that no matter where you go to escape there’ll always be someone ready to tell you why communism failed and why you’re stupid for not thinking of it

If anyone needs me, I’ll be outside standing in the rain, scrubbing myself vigorously with a toilet brush and singing Land of Hope and Glory until my skin bleeds steak and kidney pudding and I end up the right shade of pasty-white bovine spongiform British to actually be able to participate in the discussion. Cheerio.

Thanks to Erik.

Who would have thought that a Britney Spears concert would be shit? Well, the Telegraph obviously took time out to review it, as befits its status as a major piece of cultural history and a turning point in 21st century musical…

…no, who am I kidding. I can’t even be ironic about it. It’s all just shit. Not everyone thinks so, though.

You can tell a man wrote this!!

Britney has done an amazing job with her comeback, there’s not many people out there that could’ve done the same!

Lets be fair….. anyone with human emotions would look a little ‘unsure’ of themselves when on stage in front of thousands of people if they were bullied and hounded by the media like Brit is!!

And the reason Rhianna’s gig sold so many……well, personally I think that white people are becoming a minority in this country…..enough said!!!
Jessica Hulme

Yes, it’s the gender of the author that really distinguishes taste. After all, if this had been written by someone with a vagina, you could put your house on a very favourable review. Britney’s struggles with being an alcoholic, dope fiend, terrible parent and remote controlled pop wank are very much something all females can relate to, especially if said females are utter cretins that buy the fucking magazines that pay the photographers and journalists to bully and hound her. But I bet you’re not one of them, are you, Jess?

And enough said about the reasons Rhianna sold so many tickets – it’s all those black people taking over the Great White Britain, stupid! I know Jess didn’t say it as such, but her clumsy attempt at disguising her inherent bitter racism raises interesting philosophical questions. For instance, can you be white and like Rihanna? If the races mustn’t mix, where do we stand on Ricky Martin? Are the chances that you’re a groundlessly snobby piece of racist white trash wallowing in some suburban hole significantly higher if you admire Britney Spears? If a rancid fartbubble with an attitude problem and a false sense of smug superiority mutters racist comments behind the backs of their co-workers and there’s no-one around to hear it, does HR make a sound?

Oh, Jess. I feel like I know you. In the sense that I’ve known many people who make trashy, snide comments behind people’s backs and who feel the internet is some kind of safe refuge, some magical land where they can use their Twitter account to comment on Telegraph articles, without realising that their real name appears on it and they can’t delete it.

erm, I went to the Rihanna gig at the 02. Was mostly white. I’m confused about what you’re implying?
Diva Devotee

She’s implying she’s a massive racist. Or am I inferring that? No, I don’t think it’s an inference when someone’s just done the internet equivalent of nudging you in the ribs ten times with an elbow and an exaggerated wink. Also, I don’t think you’re confused – I think you’re being polite. Just call a spade a spade. Jess does.

I don’t know why but I have a strange relationship with Britney. There is a sweetness and vulnerability that will always make me root for her like I do no one else. I would probably even go and watch her if she decided to come out on a wheel chair and mime to her hits.

The problem I have is that many of the decisions in her life- including being on tour- don’t seem to be her choice. I was horrified to read that she doesn’t even have control over her own money, due to her mental state, but they seem to think it’s okay to trot her out on tour.

All is obviously not well in camp Britney and I actually feel guilty parting with money that may lead to the prolongation of this painful puppet show. However, Britney could make not spending money on her a whole lot easier for me if she stopped releasing albums that are just so damn addictive (ie. everything after, and including the Blackout album) .

Get well soon Brit. I’m rooting for you!
Diva Devotee

Yes, if only she wouldn’t carry on releasing those albums and doing those shows you’ve just said she’s being forced to do. Then you wouldn’t have to go and see them. Not that you have the power of independent choice or anything. No, it’s okay. You just keep knowingly contributing to the downfall of someone you consider sweet and vulnerable, and give us a frank admission that you’d continue to do so way beyond the point of farce. It’s not like it’s a complete tragedy and an indictment on the way we elevate and destroy celebrity status with some kind of bizarre, insect-like mass behaviour. Not when you get to dance around the front room to her CD for 20 minutes on the weekend.

On second thought, I think Jess did confuse you, didn’t she?

Thanks to Nik. Thank you, Nik, for the aneurysm.

Why is it that my ears prick up when I hear a story about the possible extinction of the human race?

It would have landed but word has got around the Universe about speed cameras, parking charges, clampers and road tax. However the little critters that live on it were quite happy about the ability to enter the U.K. without the correct papers !!!
Christopher P

Ah. Yes, that’ll be why. It’ll be because it’s stacked with helmet cheesers of absolutely epic proportions who, astoundingly, would probably go to some lengths to argue exactly how they’re actually quite correct, erudite and amusingly astute, when the reality is that they’re actually just helmet cheesers of even bigger proportions than previously thought. And worse still, not only are they all keen to hand over their shitty, barely thought out opinions, but someone, somewhere, decided that it should all be interactive and we should all have the option of hearing them. Well done, someone, somewhere. You complete cunt.

Slowly, The old man managed to free his trapped leg, He was in what appeared to be a small cave, dust was gently landing on his sore head, a crack of light hit his right eye like a white lazer, he managed to crawl towards the beconing light, Silence was all around, Stifiling was the air, Bruied and battered he approached the #$%$ of light, As his eyes adjusted to the incoming light, It was with a Painful reality he saw utter Desolation, chaos, Destruction,… all was gone, all he had known, gone, What was that noise behind him? another Survivor?…Twisting his body around he Crawled towards the sound,…Whats that, a Face? Yes, I can see a Man’s face, With all his might he moved ever closer to the man at last, at Last Dust ever flowed down onto the old man, not now, surely he won’t die here in this hole,… Closer,…Closer he moved on his elbows toward the man. the man, was a Mirror……I Thank you x
Justice

Oh, fuck off.

I’m going to go out on a limb here: there is no reason for the people commenting on this article to exist. At all. Not just the comments – the actual people. I’m absolutely serious. No sarcasm, irony, no belittling someone’s level of education or the rabid nonsense pouring out of their feebly constructed ego – just to say that if there ever was an acute example of the pointlessness of human existence, it can be found right on that Yahoo webpage. Really, for once in my life I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just Having My Say. Look at these cunts:

Shame it cant be guided towards the middle east
Englishguy1

Well at least let a few bits of that asteroid hit Pakistan — Any Middle-eastern countries
Richardo Stallmanu

Come on asteroid, give us ya best shot! C’mon, right in the mush,…. right there! *points to cheek*,…. Ha! Can’t do it can ya?!! I’ll be long dead when, (if), you do hit in the future. Pity really as I’d quite like to see it happen. Hope it lands right in the middle of the middle east. Do us all a favour.
Chris

Yes. Do us all a favour. There’s three comments, all saying exactly the same nonsensical, ridiculous thing, intended to be funny but which, in reality, just leaves a taste in your mouth like a cat piss hangover. And on each of these insanely bigoted, poorly thought out, grammatically incorrect and badly spelled comments, there’s at least two other people in the world who agreed with the content of the post – at least in principle.

294 people agreed with the following comment, with some people even taking the time out to reply to tell Fred how fucking funny he was:

good job it is moving so fast or our goverment would have put a tax on it
Fred

Yes, Fred. That’s literally hilarious. That’s exactly the kind of joke that gets them rolling about on the floor when they’re watching My Family, misusing words like ‘literally’ and ‘hilarious’. Because the government taxes everything, including trees, rivers, individual blades of grass, dark matter, squirrels, thinking, pubes and especially bits of rock, free floating or otherwise attached to planetary bodies. But not books, children’s clothes or non-luxury food items.

Meanwhile, further down that thread – and for the sake of my own health, that’s the last time I ever go to Yahoo in any form, ever again, probably – there’s people who are arguing the toss with these people. On Yahoo. With these people. On Yahoo.

That’s right. On Yahoo. And now, I charge, these people are guilty of the worst crime of all – enabling. And it is they who shall be first against the wall when I go round to their houses and line them up against a wall. Because, and here’s the final conclusion to the first intentionally unfunny post I’ve ever made here: they encourage them. And you should never encourage insane people in their delusions. Not unless they’ve got a gun against your head.

Don’t reply. Don’t get into the arguments. I know it’s ultimately very tempting to take someone to account on their bare-naked stupidity, lack of reason, outright bigotry or any other negative human quality that people seem to think that the internet was created to let out – but don’t. Just say no. Because you look worse than they do, and you’ll waste your time. Send them to us instead. Or me, seeing as everyone else has died or got real jobs or something. At least until the domain expires because Nelson doesn’t give a shit (and why should he?) I’ll be here… because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s making people sound like cunts. Especially myself.